WOW....Where did all that come from? Sorry for the rant. That really took a departure form the response did'nt it. Sorry guys. Rant over.
No apology necessary! Please vent here, or somewhere.
I just have a few minutes (literally) right now to respond, I'll try to write a better response later.
Obviously, you are holding all this inside -- and, it's backfiring. You have had no one to talk to about this, and the one you most need and want to understand is your wife, and well, it sounds like she's not really available right now.
At a minimum, please talk here and get some of it out. I'm guessing over most of these 13 years you have swallowed most of what you need to feel -- since, letting it out and in the open with your wife seems dangerous. If so, that surely has taken a significant toll on you.
I have been there very recently in the withdrawn/don't-want-to-be-passive-aggressive-but-probably-am mode. I partly got out by getting to have sex (having waited over four months), and partly because my wife is taking steps to help us make progress (scheduled a MC visit).
I recall one conversation where my wife was very hard on me ("You're lazy, unambitions, don't make enough money, etc.), and it became clear she had been oblivious to all that I had done to make her life bearable with the kids, etc. I'd never talk to her like that. And, in someways, I feel directly responsible for her capacity at this point to have a pleasant/happy life. It was shocking, and very difficult to swallow. I can't quite express how much so.
But, I suppose, at the time when her life was hell and mine was too (as a result), she really didn't have the capacity to understand how much help I was giving her.
I'm starting to think none of that matters, though. What matters is the fact you need to feel loved by her, and you don't. She either doesn't know or doesn't care. To spend time trying to talk about anything other than that with her may not get you anywhere -- sort of taking your eye off the ball.
She's got to be made to understand how bad you are feeling about this. How to do this in a productive manner I have no idea. And, maybe she is completely self-absorbed, or incapable of feeling "love" towards anyone but her kids -- I don't know. But, my hunch is talk about any other "problems" in the relationship is likely to result in just going around in circles.
Well, I got to go for now. I hope my off-the-cuff response isn't counter productive....I usually give these things more time and editing. Bottom line, don't censor yourself here. Find somewhere to vent (here is fine).
