I am so sorry that you are hurting, but you don't have to hurt like this. As others have already said there is lots of help out there.
Reading what you've written it's very clear to me how much you love your kids. What do you think this would do to them it you were to end it all? Do you know what you will leave them with? They will be devastated but they will also be haunted that they couldn't save you. They will feel a nagging guilt and blame themselves. I know this first hand. You will be out of your pain but their's will be just beginning. Think about them! Those are your babies that you will be hurting. I think you love them way too much to want that.
You need to take care of yourself first. Get help and then you will have a clear head to be able to figure out what it is that you need to do.
