So i think i truly understand deep down what it means to let go. I understand why everyone here posts to take care of myself, and not concern myself with her right now.

I snooped. I found an email she wrote to her sister. "I'm crazy about him. hes a good catch, and super adorable." Something about thinking about her and her sister having girl talk about how wonderful this other guy is while she was hurting her children made me angry. (her sister is a sociopath, no lie, my wife will agree with me)

I told myself forget about it, but i didn't - i confronted my wife. and as you can imagine it didn't go well. I told her she needs to make a decision, because she can't live in our house and live a seperate life at the same time.

We fought for the first time in months. It felt so ugly. I could see how badly she hurt, and I stopped. All it was doing was enforcing her feelings that we can't work. I understand now.

She is convinced that she got to the point where she can no longer have feelings for me. And while she won't say it, she thinks its easier to run to something new than to work on the resentment she has built up inside. There is probably a lot of reasons she feels this way, but i'm going to stop thinking about WHY, and just start moving forward. Her feelings are hers to deal with. I don't have to agree with them, but i need to stop disagreeing with them.

I have heard many times how she feels, and I need to start accepting it. Fighting it is only hurting me.

I am going to start working harder on myself for myself. For the last 4 months everything I did was for her. Now i need to do things to improve myself.

I have always been somewhat closed off, and maintained only a few intimate relationships (intimate - meaning I am truly open with myself and to others). I am working hard to change that, and posting here - albeit anonymously is helping in that transformation.

I know that a divorce can change me for the better or for the worse. I don't want to add more layers of armor to myself. I want to walk away from this stronger, confident, and more open.

I still believe in my wife, and I still believe that while we are broken, we can fix us. I am just stepping aside to allow her to grow in the directions she needs to grow right now.

I don't expect anything from her now. I still love her though. She is my best friend, the best lover i've ever had, and a fantastic mother. Whatever she is doing now doesn't change that for me. Thinking about things like "is he better for her", doesn't change how good we were for eachother. I miss her, but I miss myself too. I'm not sure where he went but i'm on a mission to find myself again. Who knows, maybe then we will be able to find eachother again, i'm not planning for that anymore though.