It's been awhile

[SvenTheRed]

tyler,

First, I know you're hurtin' - there is a lot to process so know that I understand.

That said, some of what I have been prescribing might sound counterproductive to saving your M, but I'll tell you it can work. If NOTHING else, it will, with some time and some courage, liberate YOU - and allow you to heal. I would hunker down a bit and re-read Divorce Remedy. I think it might be time for you to prepare yourself for an LRT or even LLRT - but prepare yourself for it - for once you start down that path, it is most important NOT to go back on it.

I suspect you read through my stich but I'll summarize it for you - from a frame NOT of saving my marraige, but of saving myself.

The bomb was around July of '05. This came after several years of me climbing the corporate ladder and making it nearly to the top - but that turned into 80 hours per week, frequent travel to Europe - mostly because the "boy" in me believe this is what "we" all wanted. "We" meaning my w and family. My boys became distant and W lost all attraction, then love for me.

I moved out in August and was crushed. I did start to clean up my act with all my spare time. I downshifted careers, focused my attention on my boys, lost 35 lbs, and redid my wardrobe. For much of the fall that year, in my mind, I was doing it to win my W back. Meaning I prioritized my changes NOT for me, but for saving my M. I picked up DR in November (after my W's second waffling on me moving home) and a only a couple days before she told me she needed to pursue another guy she knew from high school.

I then got on the board here and started getting the help of many and started coming to the realization - and the relationship with W and the OM started to get hot and heavy. So that is when I dropped the first of a couple bombs (LRT). The first was the P&A 180 you read about. Afterwards, she cried, a couple weeks later, she had a total meltdown. Several weeks after that, she asked me if I was dating anyone - I was "dating" a woman friend of mine that was going through something similar - so we were more like emotional crutches for each other. She lost it after that as well. I told her we could use a mediator instead of lawyers and that I had a divorce proposal I could share with her when she was ready. Much of the time I was semi-dark - meaning I would only answer one of three times she called and I wouldn't always tell her where I was and who I was with.

A couple more months went by and that is when I sent the letter you mention below. Once again, she lost it. In short I was bringing our R/M to final closure (call this a LLRT). Two weeks later, she asks me move back in and the OM is history.

Now, I got lucky - turns out the OM was a 40 y/o confirmed bachelor and freaked out at the thought of suddenly having three kids, etc. On top of that he was a jerk - 'er I should say, a MANS MAN. Now this is something W really wanted from me, but that I never showed. I was a wuss, let her, the boys, others roll over me. Well not any more.

One thing I got out of the whole process is that it was time to start becoming a man. Time to kill the inner child that lived on - afraid, subservient and trying to please at all cost. This was tough, but needed to be done. Now that doesn't mean that I become a jerk, but it did mean that I needed to start living for ME as a man and as an example of a man for my boys.

Once the boy was dead (figuratively speaking of course), I took control of my LIFE and it started paying dividends immediately. Furthermore, I STOPPED trying to justify MY feelings and disagreeing with my W. Instead, I sought to totally understand her and said it is her journey and if it means were not on it together, then so be it. I also fully ACCEPTED that my marraige was OVER and the most important thing I could do was to embrace that and keep moving forward. If a time came when she wanted to join me, I'd consider it....

Luckily, my W and I had a very strong foundation - and I said to myself that I was okay with us being friends - for that was better for us all (especially the boys).

In short, looking back, there generally were several things that worked for me and I impress upon you to give them some real thought - if not to save your M/R, but to save yourself. I've often requoted the FAA required speech by flight attendants "put on your own mask before helping others". Why, because your useless to others unless you keep yourself healthy first.

So first - accept where your W is at. Not easy. In her mind she is NOT wrong and the more you argue that in any form - or try and defend yourself, the deeper entrenched she will become. You further prove to her how needy you are and that kills ALL hope of reconciliation or her being attracted to you in any way. Second, GAL - work out, go out, start a new hobby of some sort. A treadmill and some rockin' tunes is what saved my life. I could sort out and figure out so much when running. And the natural endorphin rush can do HUGE things for your brain. Trust me. Lastly, find a great network of MALE friends. I have one off the board and it is great. All are folks I met through the BB and I get out with them occasionally (the ones that are local).

Anyway, this might be a lot to process so I'd suggest you read and re-read this and as well as posts by Grasshopper, Frank_D, and ToughLover. These guys all took their lives back for themselves first and were huge help to me and others. It's time for you to take your life back tyler, so what is your plan?

Oh, one other thing - regarding your SIL and FIL. Big warning there - be very careful what you share and what you take from them. This can backfire in a very big way. I was very cordial with my MIL and SIL but that was it. I didn't talk R stuff with them at all - even though they were in "my camp". In fact both of them knew who the OM was and didn't like him - but I refused to add fuel to that fire. Instead, I worked on ME and making myself the obvious CHOICE over him. That worked. And it worked for Frank_D.

Anyway, a blisteringly long post. I look forward to seeing your plan. What you got?

Hope that helps.

Sven