Thanks everyone for all the support - it truly helped me while talking to him knowing you were rooting for me
I remember some more things I told him (hope you don't mind me gloating a little more :))
When he said he didn't know why I couldn't move on I used a version of what you said GEL. I told him "for a year while you were having your A, you were dealing with the guilt and pain of it. But now that it is out in the open and not a secret anymore, you are able to release it and move forward. However, all I had were suspicions that were being suppressed during that same time period and now that the "secret" has been exposed, I am just starting to deal with it. Where you have had over a year to sort things out in your mind, I am just beginning"
We also talked about his yelling fit and he said he didn't yell at me and that he was "just expressing" himself. I responded with "that was not an "expression" it was your frustration and scars from your past that was talking and I didn't deserve that treatment". I then went on to say, "you used to tell me I cam first in your life, and now I don't know where I fit in".
He says, "well, I'm here aren't I". I said, "yes you are here in body but if you don't want to do what's necessary for me to heal from the pain you have caused, then that also tells me a lot about where I fit in your life". Silence
I have also noticed lately that he puts his hand up to cover his mouth a lot, and plays with his moustache. That is a CLEAR sign of someone that is nervous - and he should be because he doesn't know how determined I am now. I have found a new sense of strength in all of this and I am moving forward and no one is going to stop me. If he's lucky, I will let him come along for the ride. If not, then he can wallow in his own self pity and miss out on all the fun
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Of course he's nervous he's losing control of the situation...and he's being forced to step up and:
#1 face your pain #2 REALLY face the damage he's done to your marriage #3 Release information that he's been "in control" of as a condition of saving your marriage. #4 Last but not least deal with a new Heywyre...who isn't backing down as she normally does.
The possibility also still exsists that he's nervous about what you will see on those phone bills etc. I hope that's not the case, the aforementioned is enough to make him jittery all on it's own.
Yes, it seems he is a little nervous because when he finally agreed to let me see the bills he added "there will probably be a lot of questions you will still like answers for" and I said "you are probably right and you will have to be understanding of that and answer them as truthfully as possible"
I hope there is nothing on those bills but if there is, it WILL be dealt with.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Just go into receiving those bill assuming you will see something you don't want to. I find that's the best way to go into those situations...then, if it's not there you are pleasantly surprised. However, with him making a comment like that...I'm betting he's been in contact with the OW. Just assume he has.
IF he has...THEN, he needs to change his cell phone number. Obviously after that you will have all bills for that phone available to you...if her number appears again you'll know he had to have given it to her. If there are other suspicious numbers you can deal with that then.
This is of course IF he has been in contact with her....or even someone new.
Yes, that is the way I was thinking of approaching it. If I assume the worst and its not, then it will be a "reward" of sorts. I don't like to be so pesimistic but I think that is the best way to approach this particular situation
IF her number is on there, then that means he not only called her, but he also saw her - guaranteed! (if she was "available" that is - after all, from what he told me, she was a little pissed off at him for "dropping" her - like I care?) Of course, I would get the "I was just curious and wanted to see if she was still in business" line - but it ain't gonna work with me because that will be a set back, right to square one just about.
But I am being paranoid right now and its best I just wallow in my success and try and not think about it for the time being. The cut off for the cell is the 13th so I won't be seeing the bill until around the 16th of the month so IF there is something on there, he's got plenty of time to fess up and prewarn me
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Well this woman "in control" kicked butt again tonight.
We were on our way back from the C - it was a pretty good session, nothing too heavy but we got into some issues about the dynamics of our relationship and how it affects each other.
We were talking about a few things on the way home and then he said something that was perfect timing for me to jump in about him making sure the cell company was notified about him needing a detailed printout.
I asked if he had arranged for it - he said no, and didn't know what the "big hurry" was all about and that he "would get to it"
I said "isn't it amazing how you can spend 1� hours on the phone this morning trying to locate the right kind of axles for your Jeep but when it comes to my needs, and our R, you don't have 5 minutes to call the cell company." - he didn't like that at all and repeated "what's the big hurry about it, I'll get to it".
My response was, "what's the big hurry? The big hurry is there is a cut off date and I am concerned that if it is not taken care of ASAP it will be too late to deal with for this month and then, conveniently the date that I am the most concerned about will be inaccessible. I would just appreciate if you would think about my feelings and how this affects me."
He didn't have much to say after that - so, like it or not, I will remind him again tomorrow but I am sure the excuse will be "well, its Saturday and the office isn't opened until Monday". Well, I will just keep bugging him until he tells me he's done it. I DON'T want to get caught missing that cut off date (13th) and if he does - purposely - I will tell him in no uncertain terms that he is to give me access to it online (like it or not) because I can go back 1 additional month to the current month on there.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Of course he's going to stall. Especially if he's got stuff on there which he'd rather you didn't see. I think Greeneyedlasses suggestion is a good one.
No we didn't address it directly because the C thought it might be a good idea for us both to "digest" it for a week, after I gave him the heads-up, and try and sort it out between ourselves since it had already been rectified (of sorts)
We did touch on the whole trust issue though, but never got into the details of what happened the other night. We go back to see him next Friday and trust me, if it hasn't been taken of by then there is going to be hell to raise.
In the meantime, I will be addressing it again today (because I know the cell office is opened on Saturday) and if he still hasn't done it I will take your suggestion and just hand him the phone
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
