I appreciate your reply. Any insight about what my wife might be experiencing is especially useful.
At first, we approached this as if her zero-drive had a physical cause. It began with the birth of our first child, about eight years ago. But, now that I think of it, there was tons of resentment in her then -- about being stuck being a mother, and being a wife. I honestly had no pre-conceived ideas about what "she should be" (other than a romantic partner), and I helped her soooo much with our infant daughter at the time (and, our second too) -- but I really think she resented me just the same.
I can't recall how long we went after the birth before having any intimate contact, but I'm pretty sure it was on the order of 9 - 12 months. And, I can remember finally getting to the point right before then that I literally pleaded with tears in my eyes for some sort of affection/physical contact. That was a most humbling experience and one that probably sealed my fate for a few of those years, at least.
Over time, she has tried to address the problem. She recognizes it is a problem. But, I really don't think she understands how much it hurts. And, she seems happy to ignore it until three or four months roll by.
One strike against the resentment theory is she claims that even by herself MB, which is apparently a rare event, it's not very pleasurable for her, and she cannot reach orgasm most of the time. Before the first baby, MB alone would not have been a problem. And, with me, things usually "worked" for her.
When we finally are together, she's been much more reserved about what we do in these last eight years, compared to our life before children. There have been a few exceptions, usually involving alcohol. But, generally, when we are together in bed, she is really uptight.
For awhile, she claimed that no one, not even "Tom Cruise" [uhm, it was a few years ago] would make her feel interested in sex. Though, at other times, she certainly has dumped on me the reasons why I in particular fail to excite her.
Sometimes I worry that she could fall into an emotional or physical affair, given the right circumstances. It seems unlikely that I would myself. I grew up watching my mother be tormented by my father's obvious-EA-with-PA-undertones. Also, I'm typically not in circumstances where finding someone would happen. Shy isn't the right word, but it's close enough; I just don't have the "gift" for attracting women. I've only had one other "girlfriend" in my entire life. But, I can see how it happens, and I'm certainly not immune or of perfect character. Life right now is very lonely. So, I appreciate your warning.
We will be having a sit-down soon. From our last discussion about our miserable marriage, she offered to call her long-time-no-see counselor to set up a MC appointment for us. That's in a week or two. Meanwhile, we've had an anniversary. I got her a very thoughtful card (blank, which I filled in) and a very thoughtful present. [She got me nothing.] She has tried to give me a few hugs and a kiss the last few days, and I've tried to gracefully receive them. But, it is very difficult for me to reciprocate or accept -- my inclination at this point is to tense up, because there is a lot of resentment in me.
I honestly don't know if or how much I love her at this point. It's frightening. Maybe I should let her see that in our MC appointment. But, I don't know if it would wake her up or just be the final straw.
