Is verycrazy piecing or just crazy?

[25yearsmlc]

VC,

so I get this straight, h said a bunch of this again, last night? WTH??

Talk about projecting his guilt into anger at you...the weird thing is his lack of self awareness. Like he doesn't ever wonder why it's HIM that is holding onto all the resentment, HIM that is dealing with internal conflicts--guilt??hello??...how tiresome for you. Have you ever, CALMLY wondered out loud, "gee, do you think you might be rationalizing/justifying behavior you KNOW isn't consistent with your past behavior (not to mention morals)? Transference? Projection? Just a tiny bit? How about, "H, you know Even good guys like you make mistakes. The hard thing is admitting you're human like the rest of us, and that you/we've learned from this..."

Now and then, when I speak of downsides of his fantasy, sort of clinically without judgement, h concedes things, in small manageable parts...I left h a vm today asking him to look at the numbers/situation objectively. He brings up wealthy things the others there own or do, like having a plane or going to Europe 3 times a year....and I said, "everywhere we've lived since getting out of the Army, we've known docs who do/own weathy things. Not just Alaskan doctors. We knew doctors who simply did their jobs, raised their families, and stayed in the same place and invested, like we were doing. And as for real estate opportunities, there were/are plenty here on the coast of California, New Mexico, DC (we have family in these places and the winters aren't below 0' at all...) See VC, I'm spiralling downward, but it feels logical to me!

You have the patience of a Saint, which does not mean doormat. But still, how much denial can he maintain? Zero responsibilty? Can you handle that forever?

I wonder if you'd ever say to him, "how long are YOU (h) going to hold onto Your anger, (and expect me to maintain my amnesia)? And do you, h, know that your behavior is just as nasty behavior as I ever could have given you? And you, h, are aware of it, doing it intentionally, even now?" I mean, when are we going to be Even?" Does he know? Does he want YOU to leave? Is he pushing you away b/c he doesn't deserve you?

You know, it all sort of goes back to , when can you feel safe again? How can you feel that he won't justify another A, any time HE feels you aren't paying enough attention to him? And, does he at least acknowledge the obligation HE has to inform you when things are bad enough with the M, that it's okay for him to cheat? Not just the "should have taken over sooner..."

Oooo, me thinks me is a little mad and maybe projecting my anger at my h, onto yours...?? Hey, take it all with a grain of salt, like we all should.

BTW, the heroes made me an offer yesterday, over the phone. The responsibility level, as far as I can tell, is high and the pay to start out is, alright. Not great and about a third less than I expected/hoped/fantasized. Oh What the hell, I'll just tell you on email all the numbers. When I told h, that it was too low and that it shakes my desire to move up there instead of staying here (like my desire to go there is high) h was upset...not so much angry as freaked/afraid a bit.

Oh BTW, here's my first negotiation tip, which I've read many times and finally practiced. Hero gives me ballpark salary number and while I remain silent, he keeps filling the silence with more talk about how great it will be eventually b/c of al l the opportunities down the road...and then ups the offer about 15% up...hmmmmm. Anyhow, I was disappointed but not insulted. And just between us, it was twice what I earned before...but it's up THERE, and besides, what I earned before was a long time ago...and this is a lot more work. What am I afraid of, job wise anyhow? Maybe the idea that there are other things I want to do that are not in keeping with h's expectations of me...and tough to that, you know? Or is it fear of failure too? Surely it is at least part of this...gotta go find my PMA now. Sorry!

j-