The darkness does not endure!

[BeingMe]

Journalling ...

I am off on a trip to my old city. It's a 12-hour drive which includes a ferry trip (1.5 hours), a big city with awful traffic, a mountain pass that can be brutal, and then some prairie land. Should be interesting. My H will be away on business for the next 2 weeks, so my D14 and S19 (soon to be S20) will be on their own while I am away. I am hoping to see my D19 (who is now about 3 months pregnant) while in the old city, and spend Mother's Day with her. I am also hoping to convince her to leave her idiot BF, and come home (I am not too hopeful, but one can only try). I am also excited to be seeing some good friends, and my nieces and nephews.

I want to be home in time for my son's 20th birthday on May 22 (his twin sister was here last year, while he was away for their birthday. At least I will see her on this trip). I don't like being away from home too long, and this is the longest I have been away on my own. I am going to make sure I get to see as many people as possible, and play tourist while there, so I don't get homesick too quickly. I will take lots of pics, and even take my watercolour paints and stop along the way to sketch and paint a little. I am hoping this will be a time to strengthen my independence, find a little of my passion in life, and detach from H (even if lovingly) because I still feel he is distant, emotionally, and not too terribly into me (I feel like a bomb is going off any time, and I want to be prepared, mentally, for that possibility. Not to say that I want to live my life constantly walking on eggshells waiting for the explosion, but to know that no matter what, I will be okay, and not be devastated by the loss of my M because there is so much more to life than just being a wife).

I am whaffling on somewhat, but I have been doing a lot of thinking, praying, and sending positive messages into the cosmos (per The Secret instructions). I do realise that I deserve as good as anyone else has, and that I control my own actions and choices. Right now, I choose to be calm, loving (to H, children, friends, other family), and seeking the path that I must take that will enable me to be the best BM possible. I always feel as if I am selling myself short, betraying the true me, and abandoning the girl I once was, that there is something I should be doing, and not fulfilling my full potential. It all comes down to self-awareness, self-confidence, and one's self-esteem. We sometimes have too much rubbish in the way of reaching our true potential, and it clouds the path. I think fear is what keeps many of us from moving forward. I am trying really hard to be courageous - I used to be one of those fearless people, who dared to do things, was always laughing, risking love, seeking adventure, passionate about things, idealistic, had a positive outlook on life, expecting things to work out, no matter what. I lost that person somewhere along the way in this M. I think she is buried under a lot of old pain, disappointments, and fear.

Time to dig out, I think.