Preparing for the end game, maybe.

[LoginName]

a little journaling. I think if I get some of this out of my system, I'll be able to concentrate on work and other aspects of life.

I feel I shouldn't complain. My sitch is going in a positive direction. I see little positive signs. Baby steps, right. But Since my W will be moving away fairly soon, I despair sometimes that the distance will kill any chance we may have. I think the fear is unfounded, or at least over blown, but it affects me.

This morning she touched my shoulder as she went past me. It's so hard not to jump up and make a big deal of it and thank her and then push for more; more commitment, more touch, more love. But I know I have to be cool.

My W is under a lot of stress. The R is only part of it. She is finishing her PhD - I'm thinking more and more that this contributed to the bomb - she is starting a new job, moving to a new state, buying and selling a house, tearing the family apart, worrying about kids, and she does have this pesky marriage thing to worry about too. I've told her that she needs to focus on finishing her PhD, starting her job, and the move, and the kids. We, the M\R, can come later. I hate that, but feel it's the best path. She needs to feel safe, under control, and unpressured before she can turn toward me.

She broke down a couple of days ago, thinking that she couldn't finish the PhD, that she's not smart enough, that she's ruined everything. She asked me for a hug!!! She cried on my shoulder. I listened, validated, and then supported and built her up. I TMed her the next day with encouragement.

I'm being, and have been, very supportive, and I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do, because it doesn't hurt me (much), because I love her unconditionally, because if we were divorcing, I would probably be doing this anyway - so it's by my choice. I can't feel resentment, or even boastful pride, if I'm doing by choice and for me. I'm asking myself constantly, Is this what I want to do? Why do I want to do it? If the answer is I'm doing it to win her back, or to prove how good I am, than I shouldn't do it. If I'm doing it to get even, I shouldn't do it. I'm trying to make sure I'm doing it because I want to, because I think it is right.

Meanwhile, I still occasionally flash on thoughts of the OM. The pattern I see is that I am wishing and wanting my M to work, my W to start moving closer (faster?). I think I try to think of the reasons why she isn't falling in love with me, and then the OM pops into my mind. I wonder if I will overcome those feelings on my own in time. If she says she loves me, how will I feel about the OM? Do I need or want her to talk to me about him someday? Only if she tells me how messed up he is

I think I am almost peicing, but I think it's still MLC (mild compared to most here) too. My W is still thinking of herself mostly.

Well, this has been working. Just starting made me able to concentrate on my job - which means I'm not focusing on making sure I write anything good. Oh well. They pay me. No one at DB does. Enough for now. Good luck