Originally Posted By: Greeneyedlass
Ummmm Eagle,

I'm going to gently say this to you, but I want you to take this comment very seriously you must stop conversations like this with your XGF. They can lead you down a very dangerous path...without you realizing you are heading down it.

I know you had a reason to ask her that question but you need to steer clear of talking about issues within your marriage with a woman from your past, especially one you had an intimate relationship with. I'm not saying you are having an EA, but this is how EA's start. K?

Does your W know that you talk with this woman? If she does know you talk with her, does she know you talked about this? I ask these things to make sure you aren't doing something you wouldn't tell your W about, that it's out in the open. Hiding it is DANGEROUS. I just want you to avoid a pitfall.

Have you ever seen a Neural Psychologist? It's surprising what they can do to help you retrain your brain. They can literally teach you to think with a different part of your brain...so that when you find yourself behaving in a manner you don't want to you conciously switch to another mode of thinking. My H had to do this in order to get over his defensiveness and constant negativity. It also helped in how he viewed/thought about me....and our relationship. It's just a thought for you.

I still think the right sex therapist would be able to help you tremendously as well. It's my belief that for men like my own husband and yourself a large part of learning to be the aggressor in a sexual relationship is forcing yourself outside of your comfort zone and forcing yourself to do things you don't normally do, even if it's small stuff at first. Like perhaps as Nopkins has suggested before walk up behind her and nibble on her neck...then walk away. It may feel REALLY awkward for you at first to do this, but make a concious effort to do it maybe once a day for a week....you'll be uncomfortable at first doing this, but then it will become more comfortable. The first time you may have to somehow just take a deep breath and go for it...but you'll get through it, and she will so appreciate the effort.

Then, next week...add something to it. Perhaps a neck nibble and you reach around to fondle a breast...something like that.

Do you think that might be a way for you to start? These are some of the things my H is learning to do and it makes such a difference for me.

Ya know....I know I'd love it if my H would "ravage" me too LOL, but that's just not gonna happen and I know that. But there are other things, like I just mentioned, that let a woman know she's desireable to her spouse too...and those things really help.

GEL


My wife does know I talk to her. She does not know of that conversation, but I wouldn't hide that from her. It was a legitimate question. I know what you're saying. I can handle this girl - she's burned me enough in the past, with that "don't you want me?, get me back, then dump me crap." I have no intention of going back with her. Plus she lives 7 hours away, so it's not that practical.

I've been thinking part of my problem is just, plain old-fashioned fear of rejection that could be stopping me from initiation. I believe I can overcome this. However, I cannot make these sort of advances right now, 'cuz we are not actually having sex at this time. Our relationship is in trouble, and I am at a stage where I am letting her have her space and getting myself mentally better. It may be awhile before I can regain her trust in me or desire for me. I am willing to take it slow because I know reacting in a typical manner will only continue to push her away. I'm taking advice from this website actually.
Thank you for the advice, concern, and encouragement. I do appreciate it!