Starting to really piece it back together

[Heartbroken]

WOW - brief may be hard to do!! I love to talk!

1) Learned true DETACHEMENT and I truly let him go - actually pushed him out when I found out he was back to talking/seeing OW. I told him to go to his bachelor apt and see the 'true' R they really had going. I was ready for him to D but figured the apt was our last shot. I just could not allow a 3 person R continue...it's a really hard call with this one though (every sitch is different)...

2) I killed him with kindness - he said he really was amazed at how I helped him move out and set up house at the new place. I surprised him with food purchases when I was out grocery shopping (fave cookies, bottled water - apt water is rusty) and was generally ALWAYS POSITIVE around him (cried my eyes out when apart - he NEVER saw these).

3) I talked often about KIDS stuff and house business NOT R talk sometimes asked him to do family stuff - only if he really wanted to (which he did).

4) We still had some trust levels between us which allowed us to set up 4 promises to each other a.) No spending/giving money to OW b.) No OW around our kids c.) No filing for D unless we did it together and d.) H agreed to come to me if he ever needed help with anything!!!

It's hard to apply what works in one sitch to another but this is what worked in mine. Their R was doomed from the start they just needed the harsh light of reality to open their eyes and it went down that way. OW ex-H was a raging man (they got D w/out him even knowing the true reason - this A) and he and OW had a very volatile sitch going on that my H really wanted no part of.

TD-

Not sure how I dealt with my feelings. Detachement helped the most - kept printouts of what was detachment in my car, at my work and on my nightstand - read them constantly!!!! Intially I wrote in a journal for the first 6 or 7 mos and was always reading postings here. But I did not post here until FEB - which amazes me - this group was/is an awesome support group. I wanted to throw in the towel so many times with the intense pain but then I just did not want my kids to go through all the pain of D. I guess I was a lot stronger than I felt at the time.

I read a ton of others stories - got ideas, web links, quotes and whatever else to help me get through each day. Finally I came to realize he could only come back if he really wanted it or we'd be in the same boat 5 yrs from now. DB'ing becomes part of the marriage not just a temp attitude until they come back. We will still have communication problems no doubt - but I will never take him for granted again!

My motto all along has been BABY STEPs - sometimes we overlook the little things b/c we want to get through this ASAP but it's all the little things that make up the one big thing - getting our spouses back.

I hoped I helped somewhat???!

HB (but heart is now healing)...