I'm so glad to see you here and say this...."When you said "initiation", it was like hearing my wife. Part of it is a messed-up feeling in the back of my mind that I shouldn't be treating my wife like a "whore" even though she's telling me that's what she wants!"
Having a healthy/loving sexual relationship IS NOT treating your wife like a "whore", it's fostering a bond between the two of you. There literally are chemicals released inside people when we make love to our partners, endorphins and oxytocin to name two of them...that help create that intimate loving feeling between a man and a woman. It's really not just about the physical act of sex itself...which many people have a tough time getting past.
My own H for the longest time didn't get it, and he still struggles with it.
I'm so glad to see you here and say this...."When you said "initiation", it was like hearing my wife. Part of it is a messed-up feeling in the back of my mind that I shouldn't be treating my wife like a "whore" even though she's telling me that's what she wants!"
Having a healthy/loving sexual relationship IS NOT treating your wife like a "whore", it's fostering a bond between the two of you. There literally are chemicals released inside people when we make love to our partners, endorphins and oxytocin to name two of them...that help create that intimate loving feeling between a man and a woman. It's really not just about the physical act of sex itself...which many people have a tough time getting past.
My own H for the longest time didn't get it, and he still struggles with it.
GEL
What I meant by that is she wants to be ravaged - I don't know - "taken" like a romance novel ... it's just a metaphor for feeling a desire from me. She knows I love her, but she needs reassurance that I "desire" her.
Oh, believe me...I do know what you mean. I've lived it LOL.
You could do something as simple as walk up behind her and kiss her on the neck and turn her around continuing the kiss...there you go, you've just initiated. It's desire for her.
I cannot tell you how many times I've said to my own H, "it would thrill me to death to have you take me by the hand and lead me to the bedroom." However my H, at least the past would turn it into needing to be some big production in his mind...like I wanted to be ravaged like some heroine in a romance novel.
Has she flat out said to you in the past....I want to be ravaged? If so, well then...I can see why that might have been difficult for you. If not, then what gave you that impression?
I can say (at least speaking for myself) that I never once told my H I wanted to be ravaged. I told him I wanted him to show me he desired me or found me sexy....and HE interpereted it to mean that I wanted to be ravaged like in a romance novel, which kept him paralyzed because that was way beyond him at the time.
Catch her at the bathroom sink. Come up behind her. Press yourself up against her. With your hand, wipe her hair out of the way so you can get to her neck. Kiss/nibble the nape of her neck working up to the lobes of her ear. Don't thrust your tongue in her ear, but nibble/lick the lobe and edges while you softly breathe into her ear that you want her right now.
Gently but firmly push her back forward over the sink. With one hand in the middle of her back, slide down her pants and underwear (or her skirt up).
Urgently rub her while you bend over and kiss her neck again. Keep working on her with your hand until she is moist, then drop your pants and have at it, not overly rough, but passionately.
Use your imagination.
If that doesn't seriously mess with her, then I will buy you a steak dinner.
Give it a shot.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
The ONLY times my H has ever become aroused (that I'm aware of) have been when I have manually made that happen, or when he has been doing something lately to initiate sex.
He's never gotten an erection by doing ANY of the following:
Snuggling or spooning and in the five and a half years I've known him he's NEVER had one in the morning. I have honestly never seen him with one, or even a semi that we didn't work to create.
GEL
That's a pretty good indication that the plumbing's NOT working. Viagra (or better yet, Cialis... less side effects and 24-36 hours of potential playtime!) may be just the thing for him. (Well, that and the counseling he's been getting)
Since I got on antidepressants, I've encountered the same thing... I can get an erection sometimes, but it takes a lot of work and any distraction at all causes it to instantly deflate. Before I started on ED medication, I was afraid to start anything or even to touch her; I thought that getting her revved up and leaving her hanging would make her more frustrated than not starting anything at all. Of course that's a recipe for disaster if it goes on too long.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Actually...the plumbing is working according to his Dr. (who would not prescribe Viagra when he asked), there's a disconnect between his mind and his penis. However, I think we are going to retry the Viagra on our own simply because he has had extensive counseling now, his mind is in a different place than it had been previously...so this "might" help jump start things for him. Then again it may not and we will simply deal with the cards we are dealt.
The plumbing is working "according to his doctor" - hmmmm, is his doctor sitting there while you two are ML? I think it has to be the people involved who decide on that. I know for one, my H is totally against Viagra for whatever reason but maybe he will change his mind too once he gets to a certain point.
I think with some men (particular ones like yours and mine GEL) they feel a little too much pressure and if that pressure was off, i.e. being erect no matter what was going through your mind, it would make it easier for them to say "hey, this is ok and I can do it" type of attitude. If the little guy needs a boost, I say why not.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
The reason his Dr. said "the plumbing IS working" is that he can get and maintain an erection....so he would not prescribe anything.
However, because my H has brought Viagra up again recently...I'm all for him trying anything that might even give him a mental boost. I kind of figure even if the pill itself doesn't do anything for him, mentally he might think it is...and THAT would have an effect, thereby building confidence in that area KWIM?
FWIW...not long after I found out about his infidelity I did find a bottle of Viagra. He had gotten it online through one of those websites when we were dating, because his Dr. wouldn't prescribe it and he wanted to see if it would help. Unfortunately it did cause a bit of a meltdown in me (it was a trigger when I found it...and a few pills were missing and I NEVER received the benefit). He told me he tried them and they had no effect and that he'd given one or two away (I'll never know if that's really true or not)...but the majority of the bottle was still there and waaaaaaaay out of date, so I threw it away.
When he brought it up again I told him "go right ahead, lets give it a try" but that I was glad he was talking to me about it so I wouldn't stumble across a bottle again and trigger again like I had. I realize guys don't generally talk about prescriptions like this, but considering our past...I'm really glad he didn't just buy it, try it, and not tell me...and then have me come across the pills again LOL.
Interestingly enough, one day I went into his desk to get a stamp for a letter I was mailing and there was this little blue pill. I asked him about it and he said a friend of his gave it to him to "try" - he never did but obviously the thought was there, otherwise he would have just said "no thnaks". Whether or not there were more of them and they got used with someone else other than me, I'm not even going there.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Oh, believe me...I do know what you mean. I've lived it LOL.
You could do something as simple as walk up behind her and kiss her on the neck and turn her around continuing the kiss...there you go, you've just initiated. It's desire for her.
I cannot tell you how many times I've said to my own H, "it would thrill me to death to have you take me by the hand and lead me to the bedroom." However my H, at least the past would turn it into needing to be some big production in his mind...like I wanted to be ravaged like some heroine in a romance novel.
Has she flat out said to you in the past....I want to be ravaged? If so, well then...I can see why that might have been difficult for you. If not, then what gave you that impression?
I can say (at least speaking for myself) that I never once told my H I wanted to be ravaged. I told him I wanted him to show me he desired me or found me sexy....and HE interpereted it to mean that I wanted to be ravaged like in a romance novel, which kept him paralyzed because that was way beyond him at the time.
GEL
Oh yeah ... she has used the word "ravaged" several times. It's just been hard for me to act like an aggressor (initiator). There was a time for a short while after I got my vasectomy that I did act like this, but I don't know why it waned. I can only conclude that I have some F-ed up, deep-seeded weirdness going on in my mind about being the initiator, and it keeps coming back to haunt me. I recently was emailing back and forth with my high-school girlfriend on MySpace and I flat out asked her if she remembered me being sexually aggressive. She thought about it and determined that I had not been. Now, this was a time when I believed I was - I used to have phone sex with that girl for like 2 or 3 hours at a time. But apparently I have not ever been perceived as an initiator. And the hell of it is ... I want that kind of sexual relationship - I just don't know how to make it happen. Perhaps thats why I always dated more agressive girls ... like my wife and my high-school girlfriend. Even my first girlfriend! This is something I'm really hoping to figure out in therapy - along with getting rid of my depression. I just hope it's not too late for my marriage.
