Thank you for responding. I hear what you're saying, but I honestly don't believe he is involved with anyone else, and that's only because I know pretty much where he is at all times in terms of work (since he's been doing remodeling work at various friends' and neighbors' houses, all of whom are people I trust implicitly). He doesn't seem to be in that mindset right now, but I realize I could be wrong.
You are right, too, about this being the most emotionally trying time I've ever faced. I just never thought we'd be here, in this position, and I never thought that I would feel that I just don't know who this person is anymore. I am trying to do the best I can, and trying to remain positive, but it is so difficult on so many days. My daughter keeps me going, absolutely; I know her needs have to come first, and that she's going to need me to be stronger than ever, once she understands what's happening.
Yesterday the new checks for my individual checking account arrived,and my H seemed so shocked that I had actually opened the account. (???) I don't know what he was thinking, that I'm going to continue to subsidize his existence while he's divorcing me? Get with the program, please. I just truly wish I didn't love him anymore. I have to get to the point where I know that what I am mourning is what he used to be, not who he is now. Maybe when he gets out on his own, he will understand what it is he's doing, and what he is throwing away. But I won't put my life on hold, waiting for him to get it. I deserve better and so does my daughter.
I don't wish him any ill things, I truly don't. I hope he finds whatever it is he's looking for, but I fear he won't because he's not truly dealing with the individual things that have gotten him to this point, he's just chalking it all up to our marriage and what he feels is lacking from it. I viewed this as such an opportunity to really strengthen our relationship, and a wonderful chance to get to know each other again and build on some new things, but he seems to have had his mind made up for awhile now. So now he's got to deal with the consequences of his choices.
I just can't til the day when we're past this, whatever that turns out to be: a meaningful reconciliation or me in a brand new life with potential for a healthy relationship. I love(d) being married and having a family, and not because I don't want to be alone, but because that's how I'm wired. I love taking care of people and having that family unit in tact. It breaks my heart to see it shattering. Sorry, I'm getting off on a rant.
Thank you again for your insight. I truly do appreciate it. Where are you at in your process? Is your D final? I wish you well.
