lots to consider...I'll think about it a lot. Good post. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey guys, I was wondering if this is what is referred to as the roller coaster, or something else.
Tuesday night, we were having dinner, and S finished, and left the table. I don't remember what was said, but I didn't bring it up. H said how long am I going to feel all this resentment? I didn't know what to say, so I just told him it depended on him, if he enjoyed it. He said no, and I said then that it was up to him to let go of it. Then S piped up from the other room, What? And H said your mother. I couldn't finish my dinner, and after sitting there for a few minutes to let him finish, I just got up and went into the other room for a while to compose myself. I wanted to scream at him, that I, too have resentment, and I didn't cheat on him.
Then last night, I was still feeling yucky and down, so I was nice to him and talked about his work, but I didn't talk a whole lot. When we went to bed, he wanted to play, so we did, and I was more subdued than usual. I was wondering if it's normal to feel almost like the emotional connection to them is breaking a little. I don't always feel this way.
Then this morning, he wanted to play again, so we did, and then I made him breakfast. He can be so nice to me for awhile, then I don't know what it is, he will start harping on the past again. It doesn't last as long, when he rants, because I try not to give him ammunition to use against me. I have told him I know what I did wrong in our M, but it's like he forgets and has to tell me again.
I feel better this morning than I did the last two days, and I will go and read my DR book. And clean the house.
wait, who was asking how long THEY were going to feel resentment towards whom? I'm unclear. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well, that's what he said, that he has a lot of built up resentment against me for our M. He says I never worked to help out. I did work some, and until I was 7 mos. pregnant, then stayed home with our S. When S was in elementary school I did volunteer work almost every day. In middle school, it slacked off a lot, but I was available for stuff at the school, and for transporting kids to activities away from school. We had talked about my going back while S was in middle school, but time just slipped up on us, and here S is in the 8th gr. He said I neglected him sexually, and I would say that was true, but have made a COMPLETE 180 on that, and he has said so. We argued, and he would stand in the doorway and ask why I hated him. I would say I didn't hate him, and sometimes he would get nasty and call me names, and I would say he made me that way, and he would go off and cry in another part of the house, or go downstairs and drink and pass out. He said I didn't care enough to come and see what was wrong, because if I had, I would see that he was crying. He said the EA was my fault, and he had to have someone to talk to, because he couldn't talk to me, and that he had tried to tell me things were bad, but he never sat me down and told me things were this serious. He said he did, and that he would tell me and our S that we would miss him when he was gone. He said his plan was to wait till S was 18 and then just tell me he had had enough and walk out, or to just leave and not say anything at all, just go. I never knew he could be so deceptive, or write our marital history, as though it was all bad. What's weird is that recently we will bring up fun stuff we have done over te years, and I wonder if he is beginning to think that maybe it wasn't as bad as he thought it was. Well, anyway he said the EA was not wrong, and he had no remorse, and he didn't want to be forgiven, because he did nothing wrong to be forgiven for. Now, that was months ago, and I can tell that the guilt did bother him, maybe still does. But, anyway, that is why he says he doesn't know how long he will hold onto the resentment. Maybe since I told him what I did, he will think about it, and decide it isn't worth it to hold onto resentment as though it were a precious possession.
I have been feeling forgiveness towards him, and I try to make our home a peaceful place for him, and he is coming home on time most of the time, and usually will call if he will be late. He just says he wants to know why I didn't change years ago, and it seems no matter what I tell him, he has to ask again another time.
so I get this straight, h said a bunch of this again, last night? WTH??
Talk about projecting his guilt into anger at you...the weird thing is his lack of self awareness. Like he doesn't ever wonder why it's HIM that is holding onto all the resentment, HIM that is dealing with internal conflicts--guilt??hello??...how tiresome for you. Have you ever, CALMLY wondered out loud, "gee, do you think you might be rationalizing/justifying behavior you KNOW isn't consistent with your past behavior (not to mention morals)? Transference? Projection? Just a tiny bit? How about, "H, you know Even good guys like you make mistakes. The hard thing is admitting you're human like the rest of us, and that you/we've learned from this..."
Now and then, when I speak of downsides of his fantasy, sort of clinically without judgement, h concedes things, in small manageable parts...I left h a vm today asking him to look at the numbers/situation objectively. He brings up wealthy things the others there own or do, like having a plane or going to Europe 3 times a year....and I said, "everywhere we've lived since getting out of the Army, we've known docs who do/own weathy things. Not just Alaskan doctors. We knew doctors who simply did their jobs, raised their families, and stayed in the same place and invested, like we were doing. And as for real estate opportunities, there were/are plenty here on the coast of California, New Mexico, DC (we have family in these places and the winters aren't below 0' at all...) See VC, I'm spiralling downward, but it feels logical to me!
You have the patience of a Saint, which does not mean doormat. But still, how much denial can he maintain? Zero responsibilty? Can you handle that forever?
I wonder if you'd ever say to him, "how long are YOU (h) going to hold onto Your anger, (and expect me to maintain my amnesia)? And do you, h, know that your behavior is just as nasty behavior as I ever could have given you? And you, h, are aware of it, doing it intentionally, even now?" I mean, when are we going to be Even?" Does he know? Does he want YOU to leave? Is he pushing you away b/c he doesn't deserve you?
You know, it all sort of goes back to , when can you feel safe again? How can you feel that he won't justify another A, any time HE feels you aren't paying enough attention to him? And, does he at least acknowledge the obligation HE has to inform you when things are bad enough with the M, that it's okay for him to cheat? Not just the "should have taken over sooner..."
Oooo, me thinks me is a little mad and maybe projecting my anger at my h, onto yours...?? Hey, take it all with a grain of salt, like we all should.
BTW, the heroes made me an offer yesterday, over the phone. The responsibility level, as far as I can tell, is high and the pay to start out is, alright. Not great and about a third less than I expected/hoped/fantasized. Oh What the hell, I'll just tell you on email all the numbers. When I told h, that it was too low and that it shakes my desire to move up there instead of staying here (like my desire to go there is high) h was upset...not so much angry as freaked/afraid a bit.
Oh BTW, here's my first negotiation tip, which I've read many times and finally practiced. Hero gives me ballpark salary number and while I remain silent, he keeps filling the silence with more talk about how great it will be eventually b/c of al l the opportunities down the road...and then ups the offer about 15% up...hmmmmm. Anyhow, I was disappointed but not insulted. And just between us, it was twice what I earned before...but it's up THERE, and besides, what I earned before was a long time ago...and this is a lot more work. What am I afraid of, job wise anyhow? Maybe the idea that there are other things I want to do that are not in keeping with h's expectations of me...and tough to that, you know? Or is it fear of failure too? Surely it is at least part of this...gotta go find my PMA now. Sorry!
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It was Tues. night,and he said I wonder how long I will hold onto this resentment, and I said it depends on if you like it, and he said no, I don't, and then I said that then it is up to him to let it go, that it is his to decide. That is the first time I had suggested that he likes it. So, I am hoping that with me saying something like that, he will really think about it. Because even though I have some resentment over his behavior, I have forgiven him, and am willing to let it go. He seems to be willing to show me he is being honest now, I think.
I did, when he broke down to me those two nights, tell him he was a good man, and that I DO love him. I don't know that he is really so much in denial,though he may be to a certain extent, as he is ashamed of himself, maybe, and the guilt makes him upset, and like you said he is projecting that at me. He has said a couple of times, usually after a church lesson on men and leadership roles in the church and home, that he should have taken the lead years ago, and that he let me get out of hand, and that is as far as he would go in admitting his role in it so far.
I love to negotiate deals, I seem to be good at it, and once when H and I agreed on a price to offer a car dealer, I lowered the figure by 1000 dollars, and they upped my offer by 500, so I got us a really great deal. Next time, I guess I will let him do it, and we might pay more.
I will say this, it is my faith in God that keeps me sane, and since nobody outside of this site, my S, and my counselor knows about our situation, the people here have been so important to me, and the advice has helped tremendously. Everyone who ever posted a reply to me, I want you to know that I will go and read your thread, so I can know about you, and your sitch.
have been too overwhelmed to post on my own thread/make a new one. Kind of easier to discuss other's situations than deal with my own, kwim? I WILL post, with God as my witness. But an old dear friend (with a bratty/nutty 9 y/o son, "playing" with my d9) is visiting this weekend so my time is limited. Your talk with your h sounds like a possible pivotal step. Maybe small, but in a new direction. Good for you. I will post probably tomorrow night and somewhere else I got instructions, since I'm computer illiterate, I'll continue to be like Blanche Dubois, and "rely on the kindness of strangers."
Like you, I am SO grateful for this bb. My dear friend can barely contain her disbelief that I am not divorced, and I appreciate her restraint. I'd tell ME to get divorced if I were in her shoes, so, oh wellll. I know you get it.
talk to you soon, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
my friend is still here, with her large noisy odd boy, who has the worst table manners of any child I've ever seen....they are not leaving yet...hmmm. Aren't I cranky today? Not sounding like my usual wonderful kind self. Must improve... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I was wondering if it's normal to feel almost like the emotional connection to them is breaking a little.
I think it's normal to feel a little disconnected when your h is still holding onto his resentment. It sounds like the resentment is fading, though.
I'm feeling a little less connected to my h right now, too. I've been euphoric for the last couple of weeks, since we have been getting along so well. Today, I'm feeling a little down. Lack of sex and h not seeming to want to do anything about it causes mine. Unfortunately for me, all the little things he's been doing more of also make me want to be more intimate. Telling him that would probably push him away since he is "too tired."
