I kind of found that once things were moving in a positive direction, I had to stop thinking about this stuff altogether and just DO and BE for a while.
We're just a couple months away from the first anniversary of the bomb being dropped. Been a tough year.
I wanted to stop back in and answer a question I had when I started here last July as a way of updating my own sitch, which has really been pretty good for months now.
"How can I ever trust him/her again." It can be done but it ain't easy and it required, in my sitch anyway, a tremendous effort from the WAS as well as a lot from myself as the LBS. But it was my wife's efforts that made me willing to trust her again. It ain't perfect, I can tell you that, but it's pretty good. There's still a little bit of doubt on occasion gnawing at me when she says she's going to be somewhere, but that gets easier over time as well because she's gone (and goes) out of her way to accommodate me if need be.
Detachment is important. I think very often when we say we have a hard time trusting again, it's because we're way too dependent on our WAS. One thing I've noticed is that while I would certainly be hurt if she did this again, it wouldn't (couldn't) blow me away like it did. One big step here was that once she started finally giving me the respect and attention I wanted, really just her loving companionship, everything started falling into place. Really slowly, but nevertheless.
Now when I have those moments where I wonder or have questions, my response is better. In the past, I got angry and insecure. Thanks to a little detaching and GAL'ing, now it just reminds me that while I don't want to go through what I did before, if she takes that path, I know I'll be fine and that she's really just hurting herself. Freedom feels much better than all the emotional nonsense. I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt, but I know I'd definitely handle myself better because I've accomplished a lot through this unfortunate process.
And I don't think it could have happened if I hadn't been ready, willing, and able to just move on by myself and be fine with that.
So, to wrap this up, things really have been pretty great. We went through a period where she was actually more loving toward me than I was to her, and I put her on the spot a lot, questioned her sincerity. Thankfully, she was patient with me through that and it's mostly behind us now. I've had to work really hard to put that behind me, but she's worked equally as hard to both put it behind her and go the extra mile in my direction.
If we'd have been treating each other this way from Day 1, I don't think we'd ever have gotten in the mess we were in.
We're actually looking forward to our wedding anniversary this year and will celebrate it for the first time in 6 or 7 years. Our marriage is actually turning into what we always wanted and intended for it to be.
That's interesting because last summer I really thought she'd have divorced me by now.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Wow - great to hear. Always nice for us still struggling to hear the success stories - thank you and I wish you all the best
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
TL, it's really good to hear from you. It's especially good to hear that it's all going well (I'm sure there are some 'challenges' but that's always the case, right?).
Thanks again for all the good advice you've given me. I (kirby) followed it the best I could and can and am making progress. Where one man goes, others may follow, so it's good to see you doing well. Also, if nothing else, this experience has taught me more empathy. I am glad for your sake that things are going in the right direction.
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And I don't think it could have happened if I hadn't been ready, willing, and able to just move on by myself and be fine with that.
I think that's the key, or one of the keys. Weird how detaching can bring you closer.
Best wishes. Thanks again.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
TL, I am always happy to see a post from you. I've quit having my own thread here, but I login everyday to see about the people I care for, and post to them occasionally.
Please do keep checking in. It's nice to see hopeful situations and potential for 'happy' endings. Take care.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Hey TL , i'm so glad things turned around for you guys, you've worked too hard and for a moment there I thought you'd lost hope again.
I see that is yet another level on the piecing train, that all seems to be going well and the past comes up unexpectantly and jumps at you with a new twist, been there done that a few weeks ago.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks, cat. I've missed ya. But had to get away for a while.
Things are really getting better everyday. It's not like I expected, though. In fact, so little of this has happened anywhere close to what I expected, really.
There's a lesson there, somewhere, and we can really make more misery for ourselves (and we, of all people, don't need any more than we got!) by insisting that everything happen the way we think it should. That's not to say that we shouldn't expect to have commitments and boundaries obeyed.
We have mostly good times and fun now. As I always say, it ain't perfect. I still carry a lot of disappointment and deal with resentment. I understand why people quit. This can be really tough.
But our vows have to mean something...now more than ever. We have been blessed and, I believe, rewarded for our obedience and our marriage is really more loving and, well, friendlier than ever.
I'm not walking on sunshine or anything. Just mostly happy with my wife.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I also stayed away for a while, it helps sometimes... and sometimes (like now) I come over here and remember where I came from, and get nuggets of wisdom... ===== we can really make more misery for ourselves (and we, of all people, don't need any more than we got!) by insisting that everything happen the way we think it should. ==== ... and get back on the horse stronger. I totally agree with your next to last statement, my M is much better now, and I can truly be happy without carrying on resentment and misery.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
