I kind of found that once things were moving in a positive direction, I had to stop thinking about this stuff altogether and just DO and BE for a while.
We're just a couple months away from the first anniversary of the bomb being dropped. Been a tough year.
I wanted to stop back in and answer a question I had when I started here last July as a way of updating my own sitch, which has really been pretty good for months now.
"How can I ever trust him/her again." It can be done but it ain't easy and it required, in my sitch anyway, a tremendous effort from the WAS as well as a lot from myself as the LBS. But it was my wife's efforts that made me willing to trust her again. It ain't perfect, I can tell you that, but it's pretty good. There's still a little bit of doubt on occasion gnawing at me when she says she's going to be somewhere, but that gets easier over time as well because she's gone (and goes) out of her way to accommodate me if need be.
Detachment is important. I think very often when we say we have a hard time trusting again, it's because we're way too dependent on our WAS. One thing I've noticed is that while I would certainly be hurt if she did this again, it wouldn't (couldn't) blow me away like it did. One big step here was that once she started finally giving me the respect and attention I wanted, really just her loving companionship, everything started falling into place. Really slowly, but nevertheless.
Now when I have those moments where I wonder or have questions, my response is better. In the past, I got angry and insecure. Thanks to a little detaching and GAL'ing, now it just reminds me that while I don't want to go through what I did before, if she takes that path, I know I'll be fine and that she's really just hurting herself. Freedom feels much better than all the emotional nonsense. I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt, but I know I'd definitely handle myself better because I've accomplished a lot through this unfortunate process.
And I don't think it could have happened if I hadn't been ready, willing, and able to just move on by myself and be fine with that.
So, to wrap this up, things really have been pretty great. We went through a period where she was actually more loving toward me than I was to her, and I put her on the spot a lot, questioned her sincerity. Thankfully, she was patient with me through that and it's mostly behind us now. I've had to work really hard to put that behind me, but she's worked equally as hard to both put it behind her and go the extra mile in my direction.
If we'd have been treating each other this way from Day 1, I don't think we'd ever have gotten in the mess we were in.
We're actually looking forward to our wedding anniversary this year and will celebrate it for the first time in 6 or 7 years. Our marriage is actually turning into what we always wanted and intended for it to be.
That's interesting because last summer I really thought she'd have divorced me by now.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
