So H is still planning on going out of town this weekend. He e-mailed me yesterday and said that his friend is going to be coming over to our house this morning to meet H at around 9am and that his friend is going to leave his car here while they're away this weekend, which is fine.
So I guess silly me was just hoping that maybe, just maybe H would come home last night and stay with me since he had to be home in the morning anyway. I know I'm not supposed to be getting my hopes up, and it wasn't a huge issue, just a thought.
So I finished up doing some errands last night and called H about a quarter to 8 to follow up on some business items. I guess part of me was hoping I would reach him in person, but I did not. So I left him a message and then had to go into a meeting and didn't get done until around 10:30pm.
So I got home and H wasn't there, and there was no return phone message or e-mail from him, which I thought was odd. Then I got to thinking that he may have spent the evening with her, since he's going to be gone the next couple of days. So I was upset thinking about that and ended up driving up to office and OW's house to see if he was there. I haven't done that in a while and guess after all of his smaller baby steps I've seen over the past couple of weeks just felt like I wanted to see what was going on in that situation.
Sure enough, H's car was at her house, conveniently "hidden" parked up the street.
Then I got back home and checked his credit card, and there was a charge last night to a nice restaurant.
I was upset but more angry than sad. Again, I know I'm not supposed to be getting my hopes up, but it just hurt to know that he's going out of town for a few days and he chooses to spend the evening before with OW, not that this is any different than it has been as far as him spending time with her. I've just been cautiously encouraged, especially by these last few days, and it just was like turning that knife in my heart again even further.
I just don't understand how Monday night he can come home and spend the night with me and snuggle naked with me in our bed and tell me how sorry he is, Tuesday he gives me a passionate kiss, Wedneday he gives me two passionate kisses, and yet he's still spending the nights with OW? How does someone have the conscience to do that?
So I haven't slept very well, just angry and wondering when one just decides that enough is enough. I'm grateful for the baby steps that I feel H is making but still am having such a hard time internalizing how he can play both of us like this and not knowing what I should do as my role in this whole thing.
H will be home in a few hours, and there's a part of me that just wants to explode on him, as much as I know I can't do that, not right now.
I plan to call to schedule an appointment with Jody (DB coach) to get some guidance. I feel like I've made some great strides with detaching and GAL and that H is responding some. At the same time, I keep feeling this anger inside me that I'm just getting tired of all of this and don't know how much longer I want to hold on. I was re-reading parts of the Divorce Remedy last night, and it says to be distant but loving and not angry or even cold. Right now I feel like being angry and cold. I feel like I'm trying to be loving by accepting his kisses and affection and being kind to him, but is that what I keep doing, or do I need to put some more anger into it? I just don't know...
I know I shouldn't have snooped but just needed to know for myself whether my suspicions were right. I was hoping I was wrong...
So now I'm trying to figure how what else to do to further change the dynamic. Do I not accept his kisses/affection anymore? When he comes home again to spend the night, do I tell him he can't and needs to leave until he's going to come home for good? I'm struggling with how to be nice and give him a warm place to come home to versus standing up for myself and not allowing myself to be treated like this. Again, I'm grateful and encouraged by some of the positive baby steps we have made over the last several weeks. Do I just keep going as I have and be more patient?
There's a part of me that just wants to vomit when I think about him going out to a nice dinner with her last night and sleeping in her bed and then coming home to our house this morning, in theory possibly trying to give me a passionate kiss before he leaves. How can someone live like that? I just don't get it.
I wish I could just go absolutely and completely dark for a while, but I can't because of the business. I've been trying to keep my distance but yet be nice when I do have contact with H, but now I'm just so angry and just don't want to talk to him or see him at all. This is going on 6 months now since the official bomb, and I just don't know how much longer I want to do this...
Anyway, I'm planning on not being home this morning when he comes home, which would be a 180 for me, as usually would stay home working and see him. I'm just so angry this morning and 1.) don't want to even see him and 2.) am afraid that if I do see him I will possibly say and do things I shouldn't because I'm so angry right now. He will be home on Sunday morning to get ready for the races. He will have to come home to at least drop his friend off at his car. My plan is to also not be home then and also to not go to the races on Sunday.
I know he will contact me today about those business items, and there is a part of me that just doesn't even want to respond to him. I'm not trying to be immature; I'm just so mad.
Again, I'm MARRIED, and my H is staying the night almost every single night with OW? I feel like I am CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for letting me vent. I knew it would be better to do so here and try to get it off my chest than to go off on H. I would appreciate any feedback that you have. I plan on calling DB this morning to schedule an appointment with Jody. It's been about a month and a half since I've spoken with her, and I feel like I need some more guidance as to the best steps I should be taking now. I don't feel like I'm ready to give up yet, but at the same time, I am tired of this... I know I'm just angry right now because this is fresh on my mind and that I'll "get over it." I guess I'm just tired in general of "getting over" my H sleeping with OW... Do I just need to be patient and keep doing what I've been doing? I know I can't expect him to come closer to me (and he really has made some huge strides this week as far as coming closer to me), and then just completely cut things off with OW right away, but last night just really made me mad. I know I'm not supposed to have any expectations, but for him to be playing us both like this just makes me so angry. And it makes me mad and confused to feel like to DB that I have to be distant but still nice to him while he continues to play me.
