My w is seeing OM. It's her old boyfriend. We have been married for 18 years and now she tells me she has fallen out of love with me. We are seeing seperate coucl. we have a joing meeting next weds. She calls the OM everyday.( he is married and lives out of state. I know it's 90 % her and 10 % him but he calls her. I have been giving her space to work things out. I am taking my 10 year old son on aa week long camping trip. On the day we leave I am going to give m W a letter telling her when we get back she has to decide if she wants to save the marraige or not. I will tell hershe cannot contact him anymore or it's over. I have been keeping the affair to myself but Will let the family and freinds in on it if she refused to stop talikng to him. What do ya all think about my plan.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
What is the quality of your R with your W? Has she stated that she wants a D?
Do you know what she's unhappy about? What problems is she running away from?
Have you diligently been DB, and working at improving your personal relationships, and doing things that you enjoy?
I need these questions answered initially, before I can form an opinion about your plan for an ultimatum. I want to make sure that you've done everything you can, and that you've given your W enough time to work things out.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
How long has the EA been going on? I found N Pic’s of them 1 mo. ago.
How long have you been considering an ultimatum?
From reading mesg. Bds I found out I was making the common Mistakes of telling her how much I love her, asking for goodnight kisses ECT. I have since learned that I need to give her space so that is what I have been doing. I have been trying to get her to go out on the town with me for the last year but things always came up with her. So this week I decided I’m going out anyway and called my daughter and her boyfriend and we are going to shoot some pool this Friday. I didn’t ask my wife to go. I haven’t been out in so long I was thinking I’ll get the layout of the place and then maybe ask my wife if she would like to go out (on a date) and shoot some pool. She does not call or talk to him in front o me but like other mistakes I did check phone records. I am not going to look again for awhile because I’d rater not know.
What is the quality of your R with your W?
Married 18 years. I have 1D 25 and 1D 23 from previous marriage. We have 1S 10. We have not had sex for the last year. She was going through meno and When ever I brought it up she would get upset so I jus attributed it to her hormones. Besides that we hardly fight. If I say something that upsets her and she starts to yell I back off.
Has she stated that she wants a D?
She said she does not know what she wants. She wants to find out why she is not happy. She is working with her councilor to try to find out when in our marriage she started being unhappy.
Do you know what she's unhappy about?
No
What problems is she running away from?
This OM (he old BF) hurt he really bad before we got married. Thinking back I don’t think she has ever really opened up to me because she didn’t want to be hurt again.
Have you diligently been DB, and working at improving your personal relationships, and doing things that you enjoy?
Just started.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
My husband told me I could no longer have any contact with the OM who also lives out of state too. I said I wouldn't but two days later I did. He found out. How? I'm not sure. He won't say. So he said it again and I'm still talking to him. I need to be the one that makes that decision, not him. I know it's wrong but I need to end things on my terms. Doing it any other way would only make me resent him even more. The funny thing is the more positive changes I see in my husband (he is working very hard) the less I want to talk to the OM anyway. I feel myself pulling away from the OM more and more every day.
Workaholics Wife Thanks, I know it has to be her decision. But it's hard when I know she is not happy and I want to help her. I am hurt that she won't talk to me. I have stopped looking at the minutes on our phone bill to see when she talks to OM because I get depressed when I see it. I'm not putting my head in the sand but I am trying to keep a positive attitude. I think if she wanted a divorce she would have said so and left already. I do so much want to make this work but I also don't want to be made a fool. This is the first "support group" I have come across so far that has a positive outlook on things so I think I have found a place I can vent my frustrations. I would appreciate keeping in contact with you as you are kind of the other half of my problem and maybe you can help me see thing through my wife’s eyes. Unlike you my wife never did tell me she was unhappy until now.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I know you're in a difficult position right now. I feel guilty just reading your posts because the last thing I want to do is make my husband feel like a fool. He struggles with finding a balance between not allowing me to walk all over him and backing off too much to the point it would make it too easy for me to walk away without thinking. My point is be careful with ultimatums unless you are 100% ready to back them up. It's hard for me to talk to my husband as well. Especially about the OM and my feelings right now. I need to be able to tell him anything and not worry that he will use it to hurt me later and lately I haven't been able to. He always throws things back up in my face. Another thing he has always done is tell me my feelings are wrong. I hate when he tells me how to feel. Nothing shuts me down faster than that. Could you be doing any of these things to your wife that could keep her from opening up? A few weeks ago I had my husband sit down and read my journal for the last 4 years. I think thats when it finally sank in and he began to acknowledge my pain,lonliness, and attempts to get his attention. Feel free to contact me any time. I think we could learn a lot from each others experience that could really benefit our marriages. I appreciate your insight into the "other" side.
My sitch is similar to yours. I know everytime I put a demand on my W it blew up in my face and made our sitch worse off. You may not want to make any demands at this point. I know this is a rough time and that you just want it to end. You also don't want to do anything rash and make things worse off. Keep coming to this board to vent and get support. This is a crazy season for all our lives and in the end we will be better people for it.
Workaholics Wife, Your perspective and suggestions are valuable to alot of us out here. Just from what you posted on this thread you seem to be in my W shoes, accept that you are at this site which tells me you want your M to work. That is not the case with my w at this point. Please chime in on my thread and let me know how badly I am screwing up.
Workaholics Wife What kind of things to you talk to the OM about (without getting to personal). Also if you don't mind me asking is your OM married also. This is also something that bothers me. being married himself Is he a player and just using my W?
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I think I will hold off "demanding" anything right now. It’s hard to give it time but I do want our marriage to work. I do feel better after reading others are feeling the same as I. This is a great place to get re- focused on the problem at hand and not the OM. Thanks everyone
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I’m trying to give my W space. But sometimes like now when she is at work I want to call and just see how her day is going. Is this a bad Idea? I think I know the answer
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
