YOU DID AWESOME!!!! I am so very proud of you! I had a feeling if you didn't placate him and you didn't back down that he'd take you seriously and provide you with what you required.
I also tried to be as understanding as possible. I said several times that I knew it was putting him in a vulnerable position and that it would be out of his "comfort zone" but that I was in a very uncomfortable place right now too. I think that helped a lot to let him see this wasn't just for me, it was for "us"
I also tried to compromise (within reason) letting him know that I was willing (temporarily) to back off about the sex issue we are dealing with too. Mainly because he kept saying "so its all about me" and getting VERY defensive. I told him it wasn't about him it was about us and we needed to work together to get through this. I suggested we work on the trust issue mainly and try and rebuild what we lost and that I was sure, if we could do that, the initmacy and sex would slowly come back into our relationship naturally. It was like I had taken the "pressure" off him and he agreed, plus he said perhaps we could slowly start working on that too.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Very good Heywyre, you're a sharp cookie! I've found with my H that empathy goes a long way, he's not used to it...but it's effective to attempt to put myself in his shoes.
I cannot tell you how many times (when he's gotten defensive) that I have taken the heat off by saying..."this isn't about YOU, it's about US...this is OUR issue."
I was fairly confident he was going to see sense because for men like ours...it's really tough to fight logic.
Yes, my H is ALL about logic - sometimes waaaaaay too much. But he can't fight it anymore than yours can.
So now that I know that "button" it will be easier to push in the future. Part of the problem, like the C said, was that we have been putting too much attention on him, which I felt initially was needed, however now it is unbalanced and being that my H is a "libra" we need to get him back to the balanced stage. I find he is very hard to deal with when he is just a little off to one side.
One of the things (and I keep remembering them bit by bit) last night was he started saying things like "I can totally understand everything about what you do at work but you don't understand what it is like to do what I do" (he's a truck driver - 53 footer). And he's right, I don't have any idea of what its like, I have never done it and I don't care to. However, I make a point of trying to be interested in what he does, even when I hear the same stories over and over. When he said that I agreed with him, but then I said "I like to cook, you don't understand that either, does that make you right and me wrong" - deflated once again.
I appreciate all the advice you have given me GEL but the one thing I used, and will continue to use, is the logic. Why didn't I think of that earlier, being the type of person he is? Probably because I wanted him to see things "my" way, more analytical but that's not who he is. I never thought fighting fire with fire actually worked, but this was a perfect example of how it DOES work. I caught him at his own game and, like you said, it was pretty hard to disagree with logic
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Another thing I remember about our conversation was that he kept bringing up the thing about secrets and how there were a lot of things that had happened in his life that I didn't know about. And I said "well there are a lot of things in my life you don't know about either" - which threw him off a little but he came back strong and said "so how can you expect to know every little thing about me, some things need to be kept secret" and that's when I returned with "I agree, some things do. Some of my friends have told me things that I have never repeated to anyone because I was asked not to. But this isn't about other people, its about us. Those secrets that were told to me, AND TO YOU, had nothing to do with our R - that's the difference." - dead silence!!
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
My H said something similar to me and I responded with something akin to "whatever happened in your past that you choose to keep secret, before me...isn't what I'm concerned about, unless it directly concerns our issues today. However there should be no secrets between "US" now within the scope of our relationship."
And that's pretty much the same thing I said to my H last night. Whatever happened before is in the past, and I added "including things you think I don't know about" but that doesn't matter, what matters now is from this day forward. And, I just left it at that.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
It's going to be interesting to see what the MC makes of all of this. I'm optimistic your H is getting an real eye opener as to how his own behavior as added to the problems you two are having...even after the affair.
