Now he asked if he could sleep in the basement. He made it clear that he didn't want to talk. Wonder why he even bothered to come over. Maybe the boat is feeling a bit cramped after 10 days.
Hi Matilda - It is a shame he is still not ready to live authentically. His confusion though should not be your problem. I guess what I am saying is that his actions should not create an inconvenience for you. Would living in the basement mean you have to cook his meals?
It would seem that he assumes your life revolves around his whims - perhaps it is time to let him see that you are moving on?
perhaps it is time to let him see that you are moving on?
Yes, you are right, Slowly! The problem is I'm not there mentally. Working on it. Personally, I think it would be easier if I wasn't worried about D16. Of course, the current state of affairs isn't healthy for her either.
Woke up this morning deciding I will not wait for H to make a decision! Here is where I start:
1. Ordered tapes from DivorceCare. I am considering a group, but first I thought I'd listen to the tapes. Hoping this will help me build up my confidence to be alone (having been married for almost 30 years I am a bit scared to be on my own!We are almost near retirement....hate the thought of changing my plans and dreams at this time of my life)
2. Learn all I can about our finances (H has always taken care of our investments)
3. Research a new job in an area I can afford. I need to be settled by the time school starts next fall. I need to talk to a lawyer about moving out of state.
Matilda, you sound good--detached from his BS and focused on you and D16. It's nice to see glimpses of the old H, as with the phone call to your parents; enjoy those, but continue on your path to taking care of yourself and moving forward.
Matilda, It takes courage to take the steps you're taking regarding beginning the preparation stages for D. He's forcing you to take these steps, with his actions, and lack of interest in the M.
I hope he "wakes-up" soon and prevents a great tragedy in his life. He is wounded in some way, yet is keeping his pain to himself, rather than expressing it in a healthier way.
You have no choice, but to hold him accountable for his neglect of the M, and failure to repair the R, and begin the healing process from mistakes in the past. His failure to face his pain is going to create a great upheaval in his life, and to those he loves.
I'm still holding-out hope for you two.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
continue on your path to taking care of yourself and moving forward.
Just wish it wasn't so painful!!!! Woke up at 3am worrying again.
H was at the house yesterday when D16 got home from school and she asked him what his plans were. He said, "I haven't decided yet". I suggested she avoid asking him questions about us. That way they can have a more enjoyable relationship. He mentioned to me that he might invite her out on the boat on Sunday. I hope he will follow through!
I haven't detached enough! Saw a letter on the computer (it was just there...did he want me to see it???) He's taking her flying on Sat! It made me so angry!!!! Why couldn't he have bothered to do fun things with ME????? Also, saw he had purchased something from a flower shop the other day (we still have a joint checkbook so it really wasn't snooping, was it?). I haven't gotten flowers in years (except the ones I bought myself!). AND HE TELLS ME IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD; I HAVE NO VALID REASON TO NOT TRUST HIM!
I so want to call BIL and ask him what he thinks of H and FF's relationship now. BUT I WON'T. I want to show up at the airport on Saturday am. I considered calling his FF and ask if she'd like to have coffee with me Saturday am and see how she reacts (She had suggested coffee before H decided to leave). I thought of showing up at the boat Sat am with breakfast and watch him squirm when it was time for him to leave. I have thought of tracking down his FF's supposedly BF and suggest we both meet at the airport.
So those are my evil twin thoughts! Instead I know I need to find something positive to do for myself!!!!!!! Matilda
Thanks, CL. Nice hearing from you; and amd, NNP, and Jak! It's only been 2 weeks this time, but it seems like a life time ago. I am trying to balance some positive hopes for our future with the reality of the situation. Guess right now the positive is H is still just contemplating what he wants to do. Unfortunately for me, he is having a fabulous "holiday" away at this point. No cares, no chores around the house, no dealing with homework issues, or no normal day to day activities. Heh, one day like that would be delightful!
Here's a question I need help with. Should I suggest H share D16's care? I need some time for myself to make a decision as well. She could stay on the boat with him over the weekend or he could at least come to the house and have dinner with her several nights a week. I could arrange to be gone. Normally he is out of town 3 days a week for his job, but he's got a couple weeks of vacation now. It's not that she needs a lot of care, but she does crave attention. I am afraid he would just think I was trying to restrict his activities (which is partially true! .
Thanks for "listening" and for the feedback. I have only told one person so there is a lot bottled up inside. Once I know my path I will be more willing to talk. Our 30th anniversary is only 5 weeks away. I am wondering if we will have a direction by then. A couple days after he left he told me he thought he would call me up sometime and ask me for a date. Should I remind him or just wait and see what happens?????
"Should I suggest H share D16's care?" YES, he is her Dad. He is responsible for raising her to. Who cares if it restricts his coming and goings. He being a Dad is a responsibility, IMO, that cannot be ignored.
"A couple days after he left he told me he thought he would call me up sometime and ask me for a date. Should I remind him or just wait and see what happens?????"
Personally I would let him bring it up. He mentioned it to you, which means that he is thinking of you. Keep up the PMA he is thinking about you and expressing that to you. That is not happening in my sitch.
This is a long road, sometimes the pavement is smooth and other times you cannot move an inch without hitting a pothole. But in the end with or without our S the road will lead us to a place where we are much stronger, confident, and better people.
.