I can do the 3x a week promise. I do believe in myself, but I'm afraid that she'll view it as "pushing" her. I'll probably get hit with the "too little, too late" thing again. I don't mind being held "accountable" for it.
Just put it on the table without a deadline and it won't seem pushy. You could even express it in a way that made it clear that it is something you want for yourself and intend to make a goal in the future with or without her participation. Of course, only do this if you really do want to be a more sexual person in the future. When my 2bx called me and tried to proposition me recently he also said "I'll probably never have sex again." in the same conversation. That didn't exactly inspire my confidence in his renewed sexual drive.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I may have missed the 3x per week thing...but I would only assign that number if that's something she's expressed she would like to shoot for.
I guess just looking at it from my own perspective from a few years ago...as hurt as she is right now, and as hurt as I remember myself being...if my H had said that so shortly after I'd have moved out I would have questioned whether or not he was trying to manipulate me into coming home...whether he was sincere in it or not.
Thanks, it's good to hear that. It's just hard to know that when she's moving out on Saturday. It's one more step in the wrong direction.
Hopefully she is seeing changes in me and is starting to believe that things can be saved. I just need to break down her wall a little at a time. May be her moving out will help her, but I just don't see how.
I've got to keep working on it and it is frustrating.
I've been hesitant on doing a "promise" like that at this stage, because she'd very it badly. You've said it better than I have.
I think promises now will only push her further. I think sticking to the "fighting of the marriage / her" is what I need to keep up with. In the future I can make a promise.
Look at the walls she's built to protect herself this way. They went up one brick at a time, over time. That wall can't be smashed through, it has to come down the same way it was built...one brick at a time, which will take....time.
Moving away from you CAN actually be a good thing...it can give her an opportunity to MISS you. The more consistent you are in your actions and words, the more you fight for your marriage by making changes and working to be the man she's longed for....the more you give her to miss while you are apart.
It won't be easy for you, but it CAN be a good thing in the long-run.
I just talked with my wife. The conversation was pleasant and we talked about her evening out with one of her friends. I also asked her to bring some clothes from the house when she comes to work tomorrow.
Then I asked her, when we talked earlier today you said that 3 weeks wasn't enough time to know the changes were going to stay. Are you seeing changes. She said yes, she guessed. We talked some more and I told her that I was going to keep fighting for her and the marriage. That I was giving her space, and that I was only doing that so she could think that I really wanted to show her more, that I was fighting for her.
She said, between tears, that this hadn't been an easy decision and it wasn't something that she just came up with yesterday. That her life has been in limbo for so long. That she thought that she had already made her decision. That she was moving out and it was final. I said that it was still her decision weither she wanted to end it or to continue. That I had had a wake up call and was working on things and knew it would be different. She cried more and became more angry. Saying that her life is still in limbo and that if she had her way she would get a lawyer tomorrow and file.
My immediate thought was, what's holding you back? But, I knew better than to ask.
She said that she was really tired and she's been working long hours and all weekends. And that she wasn't mad at me, but that she needed more space and time to think. That we had talked every week since she left and people who are getting a divorce don't do that. --- Well, I don't want a divorce.
I may have pushed her too far. She's very tired and hurt. I wish I could help her.
What should I do now?
She's going to be out of the house by Monday. I'm guessing if I need to communicate with her about something non-R related I should only do it thru emails. Wait for her to call me. She knows that if we get divorced, we'll probably have to sell the house. She also knows that we'll have to get the house ready for the market and has agreed to help in that process. I think I should wait until she makes arrangements to help with the house and not bring it up again.
Let things go right now....you are doing great you really are.
I'm really proud of you for not taking the bait at this comment "Saying that her life is still in limbo and that if she had her way she would get a lawyer tomorrow and file."
Because the fact is...SHE IS IN CONTROL, if she really wanted to file...she would have already. There is nothing keeping her from doing that....but she hasn't yet. Why? Because she isn't sure herself that's what she wants to do. Someone who REALLY wants to move on with their life won't waste time finding an attorney and filing.
She's also given you insight that....you still have a chance and she's vacillating between her feelings for you and her pain "she thought that she had already made her decision." She "thought" she had already made her decision? See, she's vacillating....keep your current behavior up.
This comment was interesting to me too "people who are getting a divorce don't do that", well...like you said YOU don't want the divorce so why behave as though you are? Honestly, she's not acting like someone who really wants a divorce either....now is she?
Honestly, you are doing great!! No, you haven't screwed up, but it feels foreign to you doesn't it?
"she thought that she had already made her decision." -- I think what she ment is that she had made up her mind and that I just wasn't getting it. The decision was already made.
I've been telling her it's up to her if she wants to continue or divorce.
I think she really is having a hard time still. But, I may need to back off for a week and give her some more space.
She may be thinking that she's doing me a favor by not filing right away. But I really think she's still having a hard time taking the next step. --- I just need to be careful not to piss her off and push her to file.
"she thought that she had already made her decision." -- I think what she ment is that she had made up her mind and that I just wasn't getting it. The decision was already made.
Actually...I would take her words for what she literally said and not assume her meaning. People make that mistake waaaay too often in life. Even if it was a slip-up, I think she gave you insight....even if unintentional.
