Husband has no desire

[Heywyre]

As for 2-3 times a month being normal, I don't accept that.

Well, honeybun, if I got sex 2-3 times per month I tell ya I would be one happy camper. Try 2 times in the last 4½ years (yes years) and see how you feel then

[Greeneyedlass]

As for porn, This may sound SO niave (sp?), but I've asked him outright (heck, I've even ask him is he was gay) and he says that he doesn't look at anything like that. And I do believe him. As for the computer thing, we have cleaninter.net and nothing gets by that baby. I can't even buy langerie or romance novels online However, he is away at the firehouse 24hrs a day and they have "websense" now that I think about it, so no go there either. Never found anything as much as "naughty" hidden away anywhere....I do know one thing, he orgasms quick and it bothers him. But I've never made it an issue because he always cares for my needs first. Lately, he has taken viagra.

Hi Passionate,

Firstly, no you are not naieve in asking your H if he views porn (or if he's gay) and taking his word for it, however...FWIW, I also asked my H those things and he lied to my face.

Secondly, my H also has an issue with being a "quick shooter" as our MC puts it. I have always believed this is an issue for him and that he's embarrassed about it, but I NEVER make an issue out of it...and he makes an effort to make sure I'm taken care of.

I would steer clear of hypnosis....BUT if your H is willing to see therapists, which it appear he is since you two have been to your pastors and a couple of other therapists....what about a therapist who specializes in Marital/Sexual issues? They do indeed exist. You need someone who literally specializes in the issues you two are having. Someone who will recognize it's not as simple as you initiating all the time because...well, that kills your spirit as you know....and does nothing but bypass the issue. The counselor who told him "she wants you go have sex" didn't get the gravity of the issue. I'm betting he's experiencing something akin to....he has a drink of water in front of him, he's dying of thirst....but for some reason his arms just won't reach out for that glass of water, no matter how much he wills them to....only take that analogy and apply his want to have sex with you.

My H experiences something similar to this himself. He WANTS to have sex with me. He knows I want to have sex with him and I will NEVER turn him down, but there is SOMETHING inside him that prevents him from actually taking some action to initiate. He'll talk about it during the day, something like "lets make sure to settle in early tonight so we can mess around"....but then he'll let the night go by and never do a thing. The next day I know he's disappointed in himself for not doing anything.

I however, do not take the lead anymore (unless I'm really horney). Why? Because he has to learn how to take the lead, my taking the lead too often doesn't force him to step up and out of that comfort zone.

Interestingly enough my H mentioned something about Viagra the other day, I don't think it will work for him...because the plumbing works....but I told him if he wanted to give it a try...I'm all for it. I'll support him in any of his efforts.

Find a therapist who specializes in sexual issues.

GEL

[Greeneyedlass]

As for 2-3 times a month being normal, I don't accept that. That's what has happened in our society because folks are worn out working 2 jobs and caring for kids, jobs, and keeping up with the joneses, and watching too much TV. Perhaps that's why there are so many affairs and broken marriages these days...
(just my opinion, I have it on authority that everybody has one

I'm not sure if you were responding to me or not on this...but if you were. I didn't say once a month was "normal" I said it was regular...there's a difference. Having a regular sex-life simply means you have it at fairly regular intervals...whether it's once a week, twice a week, three times a day....whatever. It once a week still may not be enough for you...but it IS a regular sex-life. Heck, for that matter....4 times a year is a regular sex life if it's done quarterly LOL. Is it satisfactory...no.

In my situation we've gone from 1-3 times per year (yes that little) to a couple times a month now. For us, that's a HUGE improvement!!!

In your situation I imagine that having sex once a week or so would be perfectly fine for you....IF your H pursued you. You might still like to have it more often (can't deny that), but if he were pursuing you that would be meeting other needs of yours as well which would make you feel more loved all around.

[Heywyre]

Absolutely GEL - that's the WHOLE issue right there. If my H pursued me, heck once a year would be wonderful

Being that you were only getting it once a year - hmmm I guess there is still a chance eh?

I know my H wants it, hell he cuddles up to me and I can feel him getting aroused. Will he go any further? No! Instead, he says his back, leg, arm, anything is sore and "needs to turn over" and that's the end of it. Does he think about sex? I am sure he does but he won't, if his life depended on it, initiate it. He craves the cuddling and no matter what, that is always there, but when it comes to sex - no way!

He even told me about an article he read in the paper yesterday that said 9% of couples "spoon" (which we have done for years, that's pretty much the only way either of us can fall asleep. When I asked what % the other couples did he said "I don't know, that's the only statistic I was interested in". So the interest is there, he reads about it because he craves it but does he do it - never

[12_51]

[quote=passionate1]
My H experiences something similar to this himself. He WANTS to have sex with me. He knows I want to have sex with him and I will NEVER turn him down, but there is SOMETHING inside him that prevents him from actually taking some action to initiate. He'll talk about it during the day, something like "lets make sure to settle in early tonight so we can mess around"....but then he'll let the night go by and never do a thing. The next day I know he's disappointed in himself for not doing anything.

I've felt this way often, however, we generally weren't talking about it during the day. Just in my head I'd planned to do it, but couldn't.

[12_51]

Heywyre,

I too have always liked the cuddling. And it usually does get me aroused. And then I continue on with sex. My W however, would always say roll over and let me snuggle you. That was nice, but I didn't get aroused.

If I get aroused, I'm ready to continue.......

In the past year or so of the marriage, she didn't ever want to snuggle. It was like "if he doesn't give me what I want, I'll be damned if I'm going to give him what he wants." She even started putting pillows in the middle of the bed.

[Greeneyedlass]

My H also loves to cuddle. I unfortunately have a tough time with it, although I do make an effort...I absolutely cannot sleep that way though, wish I could...I get so warm I sweat. My H calls me his portable heater...needless to say he really misses me when he's off hunting in October & November LOL.

I noticed that during my really resentful days though 12_51 that I wouldn't snuggle at all...I had the same mind-set your W did sort of. Except for me it was more of a defense mechanism...I just didn't want to get close to him because I was so hurt.

[12_51]

I think that being hurt was also part of the problem. And she couldn't fall a sleep that way too. She prefered to snuggle me, then I would fall a sleep and she'd roll over and sleep.

But I know that when I snuggle her and I'm pressed against her warm body it really does get me aroused. Also, if she moves/rubs some.

[Greeneyedlass]

12_51,

The ONLY times my H has ever become aroused (that I'm aware of) have been when I have manually made that happen, or when he has been doing something lately to initiate sex.

He's never gotten an erection by doing ANY of the following:

Snuggling or spooning and in the five and a half years I've known him he's NEVER had one in the morning. I have honestly never seen him with one, or even a semi that we didn't work to create.

GEL

[OhioEagle]

Wow! I think your husband and I should go bowling. I'm having a very rocky time of my marriage at the moment. It's like a carbon copy - the things you're complaining about and what my wife has complained of for awhile now. We recently had a serious discussion and (I don't know if this has any bearing on your husband), she told me the biggest problem with me is that I'm unhappy. And she's tried, but she can't make me happy, so she can't try anymore. Sexually, she has always had a higher drive than me, but I'm finding that there may be other factors causing that. I too, am an only child. My parents - particularly my mother is/was not open about physical contact and she's a worrier and also somewhat unhappy with her life. I have some hang ups that can be attributed to my problems. When you said "initiation", it was like hearing my wife. Part of it is a messed-up feeling in the back of my mind that I shouldn't be treating my wife like a "whore" even though she's telling me that's what she wants! Part of it is my depression and part of it is my lack of role models. I just started with a therapist for my depression, so we'll see what other factors might be giving me problems in the bedroom. Now, when we had sex, she was always fulfilled - it was good - but she wanted me to initiate and make her feel like I wanted her. Sadly, my marriage is in trouble at the moment and I don't know if I'll get that chance again. Perhaps you could suggest to your husband, the idea of talking to a therapist. It might help. Try to be patient with him, but know you need to find the root of the problem.