I say don't take that ring off until the divorce is final. If you don't want to give up then don't. She hasn't even filed yet. If SHE wants the divorce then SHE needs to file for it, otherwise....you two aren't divorced right?
Personally because of her emotional reactions to you...I still believe there's a chance she's going to come around for you. Her guard is way up there but you get throug to her and she doesn't trust herself....to trust you again.
I've always said that it's not final until the Judge's ink is dry. I guess I've just been questioning things and venting anger... wanting to strike back.
True, we're still married until the divorce is final, but she hasn't even told me where she is moving to. I have a wife, but I don't know where she lives?
I'm not sure I remember exactly what she said today, but it was something to the effect of "3 weeks wasn't enough for me to show her I've changed." And "How could she know if she could really trust me." (Actually it'll be 5 weeks on Monday.)
It's a good question, but I do believe I've changed and understand better. And more important I understand the problem better and WANT to change.
Any suggestions on how I can answer that? I told her that relationships and life were full of risk and it just depended on how much she valued the relationship and how much she wanted to risk.
Now, I have a few questions I'd like to ask her. Does she see changes in me? Does she see these changes as positive? Why does she think things won't be different in our marriage?
She's right you know....three weeks isn't enough for you to show her you've changed. YOU know inside that you have changed, that's a given as far as I'm concerned....but you need to try to remember she's lived with you for YEARS trying to get her needs addressed. If she were on this BB instead of you, trying to get advice on how to help the situation...many of us would tell her that three weeks isn't enough time for you to prove you have changed as well. It's just simply not enough time...to prove that your changes are indeed permanent, make sense.
This is going to be tough for you, it's awful to watch someone we love moving further from us....and sure it's not going to be easy to not know where she's going, but eventually I bet she'll tell you. Right now, she needs space to heal. Give that to her.
Until, as you say, she's filed and that ink is dry....there is still hope. In fact there is still hope after that ink is dry that you would reunite.
Now, I have a few questions I'd like to ask her. Does she see changes in me? Does she see these changes as positive? Why does she think things won't be different in our marriage?
Because you're like the thief who only repents after he's been thrown in prison. She has no way of knowing that you won't go back to your previous ways as soon as the pressures of marital life return and the pressures of single life are eliminated. However, I really do think your sich is more hopeful than my 2bx's because at least she seems to be unhappy with your separation and miss you. I have zero desire to ever share a living environment with my 2bx again so the sexual problem is pretty much moot.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Ok, if my W were here what would you tell her? How long is enough time to tell? What would you tell her to watch for?
I really don't see how anything I do can really change much at this point. It's really something she has to work out in HER head. I can change everything to being the perfect husband, but if she doesn't let her guard down some she'll never see the changes.
I understand the "theif who only repents after.." analogy. But it really is something she has to work out in her mind. There really isn't anything I can do to prove it, right?? Doing things like not begging, GAL, etc are all good things that I'm doing and it will make me a stronger and more attractive person. But, it really won't prove anything to her about things changing in our marriage.
Honestly it's going to take consistent action/words on your part for her to believe your changes are for real. If she were here I would tell her that if you kept up your behavior for months (not weeks) that then...I would think she could believe you have made some REAL changes. I don't say that to discourage you either, but to be honest with you.
It's just a sad reality that many people who attempt to make changes do so for only a short period of time....a few days, or a few weeks, then they revert back to their old behaviors. IMPO...if someone can sustain their changes for a few months then they are likely to become habit and become permanent.
In your W's situation it's going to take consistency and persistence from you before she will be likely to let that guard down. Consistency in your words of desire for her, consistency in fighting for the marriage you want, and the persistence to keep the behavior up and be a man of steel even when you don't want to be....in order to fight for her.
Did you look up CSW's threads? If not, or if you cannot find them...I'll look for them for you. His story will give you hope. His wife DID leave, she had an affair too....and he began doing what's been advised to you. They are happily reconciled now.
I understand the "theif who only repents after.." analogy. But it really is something she has to work out in her mind. There really isn't anything I can do to prove it, right?? Doing things like not begging, GAL, etc are all good things that I'm doing and it will make me a stronger and more attractive person. But, it really won't prove anything to her about things changing in our marriage.
You could just say something to her like "If you give me another chance I will initiate sex 3x a week, every week, or I will leave and file for divorce myself and do x,y and z to make things work out in your favor if that happens." She's not going to believe you unless you believe yourself. Right now, you "feel" like you will be want to be able to be more sexual in your marriage but feelings change. If you express that you are willing to back up the feeling with concrete, measurable action for which you will be accountable and pay a price if you fail, you will obviously make yourself more trustworthy just like you would in any other endeavor.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
You say "consistent action/words". Can you give me some examples?
Words of desire -- Should I tell her I love her when we talk? I haven't been doing this because I've read that it's bad to do this. I have however told her, very consistantly, that I don't want a divorce and that I know the problems in our marriage can be "fixed".
I have shown consistency in fighting for the marriage. (I have however had some times when I did question myself. Felt angry, etc. But with her, I've been consistant.)
I haven't looked at CSW's threads, but I'm going to go look for them now.
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MJontheMend,
I can do the 3x a week promise. I do believe in myself, but I'm afraid that she'll view it as "pushing" her. I'll probably get hit with the "too little, too late" thing again. I don't mind being held "accountable" for it.
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I've read Michele's SSM book and most all of the DR book. Also reading the 5LL book too. The thing I want to be careful about is becoming a "problem" for her. I have to be careful not to get to where I'm saying these things so much, she just get's tired of hearing them.
Honestly I think you are doing great right now. Telling her consistently that you don't want a divorce and that you want to fight for your marriage is an excellent thing to do. Letting her know consistently that you are following through on your action plan to address this issue (dr's, therapists, prescriptions, diet, exercise...whatever it is) is great! Stating that you are determined to SHOW her you are making permanent changes is great! Honestly, you are doing what I believe it takes at this point....it's just going to take TIME and that will be the frustrating part for you. Earning someone's trust back is a very difficult thing to do...but it CAN be done.
