Just wondering Jen...are you happy? How do you "feel" about your H? Only asking because my feelings are absent...not really feeling much about H one way or the other. Normal?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Haven't posted for a bit, but I thought recently it might be time to broach with H the subject of intimacy. He's quite LD which I'm fine with but I like the hand holds, the compliments, the kisses (smackers rather than dry pecks). He always said if I had a problem just tell it to him straight - so I did. I wasn't critical, I said I understood it would take time and that a solution would be out there somewhere, it may just take it a while to find. Then on Sunday we got slightly drunk and had a silly row - bad things were said on both sides. We talked the next day and I asked if we could forget it, H agreed. But I don't think he has I am worried I'll put him right back to his ILYBINILWY and so for now I'm backing off all R talks, making sure I cheerlead him when he does something well, making sure too that when I'm around him I appear relaxed and happy. It seems to be going OK, I'm hoping he's just in his "cave" and he'll come out in a few days. I suppose I'm posting cos I STILL need you guys!!! Why do I manage to royally mess things up? I always seem to be getting it wrong. Life was SO HAPPY then I try to improve our R and H feels got at (despite me telling him that everything else in our life together is great and that he DOES make me happy). I feel like I can't win here, that to stay married I have to pretend everything is fine all the time and have no complaints and make no attempt to improve things. Sorry - getting a bit dramatic here I'll be OK - and I'm looking forward to the phone call to Memphis and also CM - I'll be back on the phone to you too, been hiding out a bit over this issue.
Take care all
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I felt that way too. I didn't feel like I could actually have any sort of R talk! Unfortunately, my H was leaving for a year deployment and I finally had to get up the nerve to talk to him and I did and it was ok. He's gone now and I'm sure glad I actually talked to him. I think there are 2 things: (1) you can either keep this up for awhile longer until you feel like things are truly going to be ok and then talk to him or (2) decide that you need to just get it out -- either we're going to be ok or not and I'm not going to walk on eggshells anymore & this is how it is, but in a nice & gentle way, you know? I kept putting it off -- I was scared that it would send things right back to the D bomb stage, but like I said, it may have to be like this for awhile, but sooner or later, you may have to finally just air everything out and it's going to go one way or the other.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Jen, you're falling into a trap that's really easy to do - believing that the fate of your R hangs in the balance, hinging on the impact of a single action (particularly a backslide). But backslides ALWAYS happen - even in the best Rs, there are mistakes from time to time. When they occur, it's not important that you and H can forget - it's important that you both can forgive.
I suspect you are right and H is in his "cave". My suggestion: Act As If all is forgiven on both sides and be your normal wonderful self around him. I bet he'll let it slide if you do.
Looking forward to talking to you this weekend!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Cadesmom - you are absolutely right and it's a decision I've come to. What works for us is me leaving things for a while. I know the times H is receptive to talks and it's when he's relaxed, we've talked of "safe" things and he's laughing and in a good mood. Then I approach him with a kind of "there is no way I want to hurt you and I really regret our argument" and he's usually open then.
Rob - i hadn't thought of it as a trap, but now you've said it YES I do see it like that. I realised I was keeping my focus on the negative, I said in my previous post I was getting a bit drmamtic and you know what? I had gone right into PANIC!!!! mode, and that never gets anyone anywhere.
There are planty of positives, but I was overlooking them. H HAS been holding my hand, he HAS been giving me a few more hugs. It's not much, and it's not all I want, but I will accept it's a small step towards a larger goal.
One of my H's biggest "things" (for want of better word) is to feel that he makes me happy. He has said many times he likes it when I am happy. It's very touching. SO - when I've caught him in the act of taking one of these baby steps toward more intimacy I've shown my appreciation - not too over the top, that would look false, but a simple smile works wonders for him.
I've realised as well I need my old friend patience. I have very little and like things to be resolved quickly, and am happy to take charge of something when I feel it's not moving along. Now, at work this is a GREAT trait for me to have but it's the complete opposite for my M. So I have been "acting as if" and cheeleading H. Tonight we are both staying out with friends (different friends) so I'll see him tomorrow, and although my heart feels it would be nice to be together my head tells me "don't be silly! it's ONE night, you'll both have a great time and come back to each other refreshed". H and I do need the odd times apart (nights/days out I mean) because it IS good for us.
OK - I'm back on track. My diary helps A LOT!!! I filled in 4 sides of A4 yesterday, but better to sort my thoughts out on paper than try to explain them to H when they are really muddled. Which leads me to the last point, I didn't feel I expressed my "I would like more intimacy" very well. I wasn't goal orientated enough. I will sort that out when H is open to talking and tell him some of the things I like - for example, when he scrubs my back in the bath, or when he tells me I look lovely. Concrete things he can achieve - at the moment I feel he is trying to work out what I want and fretting that he's going to get it wrong. The time to talk will come, but I will wait until he's rceptive.
OK - gotta go, Friday night awaits Take care all - the way of the DB'er is not an easy one but it IS a noble one.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Well.....life was great again then I got another curveball ... don't think it's a biggie but I need my DB head on.
H wants to give up smoking, in fact he's adamant about it. So far, so good. he says he feels unhealthy and has problems breathing. he says he feels bad. He has his constipated face back on. He then thinks "all the other things" will fall into place - by this I am assuming he means the fact he wants to ML only once in a blue moon and then if I'm lucky.
Oh ... I'm getting this so wrong. I begged and cried and asked him not to leave - he says he isnt' leaving but the ILY's are not really forthcoming. I'm starting to wonder if it's all just too much for him and he's too weak to be married. If there is a problem he seems to want to put his head in the sand and hope that it will go away. I'm staring to wonder if I wouldn't be better off leaving.
I dunno, I'm confused so no action right now - just back to focus on me, I know for the next few days H will be going through nicotine withdrawal, I will be joining him on Saturday, so I know giving him some space would be good. I just don't know what to do after that. maybe my old friend Patience will turn up to keep me company - god knows I need her now!!!
just a bummer that I thought we were doing so well and now H is "unhappy" again - seems I can't do anything right for him
I know it won't be the end of me - but I do feel if he could just see things my way then all the problems would go away - and he probably feels exactly the same, so I know forcing my view on him is worthless. I dunno ... confused, a little left out, bewildered, all I wanted was some more physical affection and now he's withdrawn again ... I just hope giving up smoking will help it all fall into place .. maybe if he has more energy and feels better about himself... it just annoys me to see his miserable face moping about when I KNOW the key to happiness lies within oneself and to get happy you GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND DO SOMETHING!!!
OK, I'm ranting - he IS doing something. Ah well - put up and shut up time for me.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Thanks CM - I think I may well be taking an online trip to Amazon soon (book website)
And ... now the good news... he comes home and it's a complete 180!!!! He's smiling, handing out hugs and complimenting me on my cooking .... THUD..just fell over...er....180's are amazingly powerful.
If this is the effect one day of not smoking has on him then bring it on!! But we'll see... changes may not last
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
) what immediately came to mind is