Light at the End?

[~Sol]

He said he was moving around this summer. He's from NY, but I hope he makes it all the way to Greenland!!!

He also said that he was "in love" with SIL. What a snake!!!

I won't stand for having him in my life. Only way this will work is for him to fall of the face of the earth - for him to move away or for us to move away.

[lovelyolive]

So, does your SIL know that your W had a PA with this guy? You're right.. he is a snake! What a predator!!!

[*KS*Chick*]

How do you know she still has contact with him? Did she really quit her job?

[whatisis]

Sol, What has struck me lately when I peruse your posts is the bitterness and anger you hold towards W. This may be holding you back as understandable as those feelings are. I think that it is quite normal for us long termers to fall victim to our ego, our pride and the enormouse hurt we feel. Those little voices are always screaming "don't put up with this crap", "be a man, have some pride in yourself" etc. But, we can't DB when our thoughts are clouded with that anger, resentment and an ego that does not see beyond us! We become mired in our own hurt. Therefore, as I am discovering, we must look to LOVE. What action on my part will preserve or enhance love with this person? Many of us are parents and regardless of how our M's turn out we will ALWAYS be parents together. The only way to be the parents (and people) we want to be is through preserving love with our partner, in whatever from that may be. Look to love Sol, the answers are on that path.
P.S. Tough love is still love but it cannot be done based on anger and seeking revenge.
Put love back into your heart and the head will follow guiding you down the path you need to follow. Now, I just need to follow my own advice! Take care.

[~Sol]

I see what you're saying whatis. I just have all of this newfound anger and resentment for learning the truth. And this is overpowering any loving thoughts or feelings I might have. Plus, I am really tired.

I know she still has contact because she calls him on her lunch breaks, I see the phone bill. She likes to hear his voice, and he's someone to talk to for her. I just wonder if she's still probing him again to see if there's something there. OK, I'm going to stop assuming here. I know she will do whatever she's going to do.

And after this snake was done with my my wife he now moves onto her sister, and SIL took the bait. I told SIL what they did, she deserves to know, this snake has already met all of my W's family. But wait, W says they are just "friends" now and that I drove her into his arms when she had her A.

At least she's being nice to me now and asks me how I am doing. But I question her motives.

So there is the question of starting to love again, and starting to trust. Hard to do.

[~Sol]

I also realized one very important thing. I am feeling all of these different emotions because I am NOT FREE!! I haven't let go, and I haven't forgiven.

[imLIN]

sol...I have just read your post here...I want to tell you how sorry I am...it sucks...I know as my H had EA/PA...he denied it to the bitter end but eventually I discovered someone who put him in her town with no other reason for him to be there...it was not pretty so I do applaude your ability to sit on this and try and calm down...

One thing I would like to comment on is the OM telling you about the PA...just curious but could it be he is just trying to stir trouble and that it wasn't really a PA as your wife says???

I know there is the STD issue but in reading all about that if either of you have had sexual partners in the past this could be from that...so, it might be that you/her have had this all along...it says a man can go his entire life with no symptoms and not even know he has it...yet he can pass it on to female partners and keep reinfecting them....just something to consider here...unless you were both virgins...which judging by the age of her son I would have to say she wasn't...but what about you???

I know the reasonableness of all of this is they probably did have an A...and really we all know that is a mute point in the big picture because an A is really the symptom of the bigger problem...I am not minimizing it...it hurts like hell...I never ever ever believed that my H could do such a thing...yet he did...

Supposing your information is correct...and your W is confronted with this new information....and suppose she still lies...you have to really consider why she is lying...I know this seems silly but after going through this with my H I finally had to accept that he lied because he could deal with my reactions...so I had to change my reactions to bad news...I had to prove myself...I know this seems unfair...but it can work....

Next...don't let your W's actions fool you into thinking she feels no remorse...my H acted as if he was totally justified in all of his actions...then one day...he totally broke down...this was almost 2 years after he began his affair and probably a good year after it was over...he admitted how eaten up with guilt he was...how he didn't feel worthy of my love...how he had never meant to hurt so many people...my point is...you W probably is hiding her very true feelings..

As for staying in contact with OM...not unusual...he was a lifeline...remember BandAid...for her pain...and I found in talking honestly and openly (after my H found he could be safe with his feelings around me) he admitted it takes time for those feelings to go away...I know he stayed in contact with OW for some time after they "ended" things...just like they don't fall in love in one day...or don't stop loving us one day (although it can feel like this)...this illicit A will also take time to close...for my H it was at least a good year and half till he could get to the point of realizing that it wasn't really love...that he really was over having feelings for her..

Sol...I know this all stinks worse then stink bait in the sun on a hot day in humid July...but it really might be worth it all to make it to the other side...I am almost all the way home myself now...H is in counseling...we will be starting couples communications classes soon...after more then 2 years I see us coming together and rebuilding a very healthy and strong relationship...

Take care....Sol

PS...I would divert all emails from anyone who is your support so that she is not aware of them at all...I know this seems like you are hiding things...but to have them in her face is really justification for her to keep contact with OM...you deserve a secret haven (provided you are keeping it chaste)...but she doesn't need to wonder about you and have it in her face...KWIM?

[whatisis]

Sol, just don't let anger, resentment and hurt rule how you are going to approach your M. If you do, any attempt will fail. Your W had an A, that is fact, but where do you go now? Do you follow the path love sends you down or the one that bitterness chooses? I know I have allowed anger etc to rule me lately and, like you, I have been very tired. I know I need to now take the reins and choose for myself which way I am going NOT react in a kneejerk emotional fashion every time my W does something provoking. I need to act directed by love not anger. I think you can do this too.

[~Sol]

I think I just need to get past this shock. It's like I found out Friday about the bomb for the first time.

I am still up and down, throughout the day. I want to get past this. And I would like to see her stop calling that SOB, let her addiction fade and die. I know I am partly to blame for this whole mess.....

[whatisis]

I know Sol, it's a kick in the gut. Feel what you need to feel, then get up and move ahead. I think the liklihood of an A has always been on your mind from the beginning, it was torturing you. Now, you know and that knowledge may actually help in your healing. I feel for you, guy.