I agree with ROOT you can not change your W heart, she is in lala land rightnow. The only way for her to get transplanted out of it is for her to see that lala land is not a great place to be in. Planning fun events with your kids is a great way for her to see what she is missing. I have been thinking for a while to bring my 2DD to Disney for a week and not bring my W. I think hearing all about the week and the fun we will have will really make my W think, especially if she thinks back to the memories of our trip there two years ago.
"So how do I do this - should i just not try to be available? Is anyone else in this situation? What have you been successful with? "
Well I think we all have struggled with these questions. For me nothing has seemed to work. The cloud of deception that my W is under is so thick that she couldn't see her hand if she put it in front of her face. Keep trying different things everybody sitch is different and there is not one cure all - I wish there was. Keeping GALing... you are doing great. You are a great man standing up for your M like this. Keep you chin up.
Yeah, lala land is correct. I know i can't change where she is, it doesn't matter how much it hurts, the only thing I can do is be confident and attractive, and help seeding doubt in her mind that way.
I started thinking today about being attractive to my wife, and i am going to try to start looking at it differently.
Instead of thinking how to be attractive to my wife, I am going to think, how can I be attractive to women in general, since i don't have a clue what my wife wants anymore. What can I do to make myself more attractive to a woman. #1 on the list right now is break out of this depression, and get my self-confidence back. #2 is smile more, laugh more.
Looks like my stats are similar to a lot of peoples here. I hope the best for you guys. I just hope that our wives affairs fall apart quickly, and we are all still in a place to try to fix things if they come back.
____________________________________ Me - 30 W - 34 Together: 9 yrs Married: 6 yrs Kids: 2 girls (4 and 6) Informed of EA: Dec, 2006 Seperated: Apr, 2007 Informed of PA: Apr, 2007
One more thing... when you do these fun things with the kids, take lots of photos. Get a few good ones enlarged and put them on the fridge or take the best, frame it, and stick it on a shelf.
Also... if you're separated or going through divorce... I took a bunch of old family videos, had them transfered to DVD and gave my husband copies.... I figured this would be the best way to remind him what a great family he had. Although I learned later he didn't even look at them!!! Oh well...
Nextsteps_4us, Trying to make yourself more attractive in general is an excellent idea. Regardless of what your wife does, it will help you feel better about yourself, gain self-confidence and help pull you out of any depression.
Go to the gym, start running, lift weights, get some new clothes, great cologne, etc... Try to keep in mind, even though you look great and women will find you attractive, you are in a vulnerable place, so try not to get involved with anyone beyond friendship (you just don't need to add that complexity to your life at this point).
My prediction is that being attractive, self-confident and happy will probably have a very good chance of making your wife stop and think about what she's doing. Of course, the person you need to do this for is not her, but for youself.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Think back when you were a bachelor. That confidence went hand in hand with the PMA and happy go lucky attitude you had. You naturally had fun wherever you went and whatever you did. Entertaining yourself was really easy. You had the world by the b*lls.
Your girlfriend breaking up with you wasn't so bad because you always knew there was a new one out there to replace her. Sometimes, you were juggling three or four Woman at a time and the variety was exciting for you. It was the land of plenty and loosing something or someone wasn't so bad because you could replace it/them. We traveled light back then and didn't really have all that much to worry about loosing anyway.
Your financial responsibilities were not as heavy on you. Changing Jobs because you were bored or wanted to try something new always gave you a sense of freedom you don't have now. Changing jobs was not so monumental, you got a high from trying something different.
Marriage and kids change everything and that sense of responsibility overtakes your carefree sense as a bachelor. As time goes on, you loose your individualism tending to everyone else's needs. With a little tuning you can get back to that frame of mind of bachelorhood and still be a responsible and involved Father. The sense of loss doesn't have to be so emotionally debilitating. The only difference between then (bachelorhood) and now is that kids are involved. You can still maintain the relationship with your kids and even enhance it. You can "let her go" her own way and be that whole person you use to be. That's the person she fell in love with to begin with. If she come back, that's great, but if not, then at least you've regained control over your life and happiness.
It's all really in the mind and how your perceive your situation. Don't think of yourself as a victim, think of your situation as an opportunity to re-discover yourself and what truly makes you happy in life. Others around you will feed off your enthusiasm.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I'm not sure what to think anymore. While I have been in better spirits, and felt a great deal more confidence, my wife seems to notice that and try to knock it down a peg.
I have to keep telling myself i'm a catch: - i'm young (30) - i'm in good shape (5'10" 160lbs) - trying to add some more muscle. - i'm intelligent, and experienced. - i'm successful. - i am a good father, with two sweet kids. - i have a nice house - i dress well - i'm even tempered
so now I just need to smile more, laugh more, and live like I believe the hype. Its hard when i am on this rollercoaster.
Two days ago, she is confiding in me, telling me how she doesn't know what to do. That everyone is telling her that she should stop seeing this guy until her and I are completely apart. At the same time she doesn't want to break up the family. At the same time she knows that she can't think straight right now do to the infatuation. (she is logical in her crazyness). She is questioning her feelings for him, and her lack of feelings for me.
She bounced around, and I could sense a desire to spend time with me and have a good time. Something is there, maybe its just her brain telling her this doesn't make sense. Yet she was verbally clear that she has strong feelings for him, and he is crazy about her.
i think any man who would do this to a family is not a good man, and that has to manifest itself somewhere in the future.
Anyways, she even asked me why I'm not standing up for myself more (half jokingly), as she is getting the best of both worlds. A crazy 'in love' infatuation, and the stability of being at home.
I told her that I have given this a lot of thought, and that after looking at all the ways I could handle this, I felt I was standing up for myself by being strong for my children. I told her I understood how she must be feeling, because I can still remember what it was like when she and I were first together. She can remember that too, she knows she was crazy about me, and that this doesn't make sense. Part of her thinks she should stop seeing this guy and find a place to move into to be alone. Yet she knows she can't detach from him right now.
I'm jealous of the guy, I provided for my family, and even if she leaves me she is still set financially. Crazy huh? What does she have to lose? All this guy needs to do is be around, and give her the attention she needs. She doesn't need anything from him, because together we secured our future. Now he is getting to be included in the dreams that we once had together.
Still i sensed a lot of positives in the conversation, and I felt i handled it well. I listened, agreed, empathized, and let her know that i didn't feel like she needed to rush into making any decisions, and that she should find some time to think.
Then this morning, she made sure to throw out all sorts of mixed signals. A friendly conversation, then a couple of stabs at me to work away at my ego, and the information that she planned to go out tonight. I had to leave the house fast to avoid blowing up.
I wish i could stop riding this rollercoaster. I know that I need to stop letting her affect my moods. But i've read enough posts to know that we are all, or have all been guilty of scorekeeping. I'm not sure what my score is anymore but its harder to want to be in this relationship the more she hurts me.
Today I find her less attractive as a person. How could she say she would be more happy when moving out would require her to not see her kids for 182 days a year. (50/50 split). I know I can't see myself as being happier without my baby girls.
I think we need to find opportunities to have a good time together without talking relationship. I'm not sure how to pull this off yet, but i'm thinking about it. So one day a week i'll try to manufacture that, the others i'm going on with my life. I'm going to treat her as simply a woman I find attractive that I would like to date.
Any guy who chooses to have a relationship with a married woman is no catch. There are enough worthwhile single women, who have already worked through their baggage and are ready for a healthy relationship. The fact that he's willing to be involved with someone married, confused and who will ultimately be a crazed basketcase if the whole thing leads to divorce indicates he probably doesn't himself have much to offer in any "real" realtionship. A guy like you is worth MUCH more than that. And there are plenty of women who would realize that...
Now... when are you having your night out with the guys?
By the way, I'm very impressed with how patient and level-headed you handled everything with your wife. It takes a lot of strength not to lose it and say something foolish during emotional situations like this. I also think it's good that she feels comfortable enough to confide in you. That's friendship and it's the first steps towards a better relationship.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks for putting it that way. It helps to remember that this guy is a total loser. I'm not saying my wife isn't a total catch, but any young single guy looking to date a married woman with 3 kids is an ass.
I need to get out of the house. My wife is going out tonight, and I'm about to lose it, i'm an emotional wreck, but i had the smarts to excuse myself from being around her right now. Right now i'm doubting how well I can handle all of this, and just want to blow up and tell her off. I just have to keep thinking about my kids, and maybe i'll get through another day.
I think it's good to get out and away when the tension gets high. Try to bring it down by doing some SPECIAL THINGS FOR YOU. Go hang out with a guy friend, go to a bookstore, get some coffee and read some books (relationship ones!!!), take yourself out for a nice dinner and a drink and even sit at the bar and strike up some conversations... Heck, get a Harley and join all the MLCers!!! (only kidding on that last one!).
Unfortunately, there are some people who don't realize that the grass is not greener on the other side until they actually experience it for themselves. And if you don't give them enough leash to figure this out, they'll continue wondering and not appreciate the lawn they have.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I see that with my wife right now. Its like she is under a spell, and i can see that her ending her relationship with OM won't really change anything at this time.
I met with my IC yesterday, and he voiced regrets that she and I are not meeting for MC. He asked if I thought she would be open to it. I had to answer honestly, and say probably not.
I went ahead and told my wife what he said, and how i said she probably wouldn't be in to it. She laughed and said Yeah probably not a good idea right now.
Then later she said, "if you want me to go, i'll go." - i said its not really up to me.. Anyways, part of me feels like I should ask her to join me, another louder part of me says, just ignore it for now as she isn't in a place to get anything out of MC at this time.
As long as she is "in love", MC is just another attempt to make her feel things, which will simply increase her resolve that she doesn't feel anything. However, I think my IC is very good, and might be able to help her understand her own intimacy problems... What do you guys think? Should I wait until I hear some doubt from my wife concerning OM? Should I just go for it and have her join me? Or should I forget it all together until she suggests it?
Just pinging for some help. Does anyone have an opinion about the Marriage Counseling my wife said she would go to "if I wanted her too". Like in my previous post, she isn't saying she wants to work on anything. Maybe she just feels like if she goes and feels nothing there too its validation that we are done? Or maybe she will feel something?
