First and foremost, sounds like you've got one heck of a MLC goin' on with your WAW there. Knowing that, I'm not sure what I might say that will give you comfort in any substative way, but let me ramble a couple thoughts out there.
First, FWIW, it is maddening I so hear you that you can make the changes in yourself, have your W acknowledge that - and yet still think they need to chase something else. Been there. My heart sunk when my AWAW said she needed to pursue something with an OM - "to be sure" - all the while saying similar things to me that your W is saying to you. As much as our MC (we were lucky enough to go together) was trying to get her to see it as an escape of sorts, she was dead set on the "experience". So there is lots o' empathy there.
So where do we go from here? I think if you talk to any of the folks on the MLC board, you'll find that no matter what you do or say, etc., there will be NO change in behaviour in your W. It is totally up to them. So let me ask...why do you keep beating yourself up for it? It's done, past, can't change that. And further, you cannot change them. You can work on yourself to make YOU the best looking altenative out there, but it will likely be me with an "I'm not buying".
The main tenet of Michelle's work is that we pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and work on ourselves. We prioritize the things that are important to us, and we go after those that either are not important - or don't share the same importance with others. This was the 2x4 to my head that I was able to work through. I wrote a mission statement centered around who I wanted to be (for myself and others). Early on, it included my W's name in it. I had it posted on the refridgerator at my apartment. She was over one day and read it. Then, couple months later, when I decided enough was enough - I needed to live my life for my boys and ME, to took her name off of it and replaced it with "my spouse". Weeks later, W was over again and nearly started crying.
Now, I got lucky mind you - the combination of the changes that I made in myself - that STUCK because I made them - plus the growing reality that we were divorcing (because I made it clear we were going to) started to bring things around. But it wasn't until I accepted and was okay with that fact that I didn't fail - and that even if I got divorced, I was still going to be the best darn man and father I could be that things got better for me.
I did what from the KLA tapes is called the Paul and Anne 180 where I made it clear that while I wish things were different, I am moving on and I am okay with it. I just wonder if you reached deep down inside - accepted where you are right now and told your wife the same, what kind of impact it would have. I don't think it will get your W to come back, but it will allow YOU to retake control of your life and start living again. The effect on my W was profound (I'll dig up the link to when I discussed it on the board).
It's scary as all get out - trust me, been there. But I will tell you that you WILL be okay - but it is you that has to take control of your life. Commit that to yourself and your children....it'll pay dividends. Has for me.
Hope that makes some sort of sense....
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
