One other thing. The Swede's have picked up interest in cross-country custody disputes and won't let children leave the country unless both parents agree. If you're travelling alone with children you'll need a letter of agreement from your wife. Make sure you know ALL the rules.
My wife stop wearing her ring about 2months ago, first she lied about it. she tricked me into me moving out during a seperation, then filed for D. She swears there is no one else, but I know there is an EA before our seperation.
Has anyone heard of the "controlled separation" approach described in "should i stay or should i go..."? Sounds like an interesting alternative path.
Will see a lawyer this coming week and inform myself. Have also ordered a bunch of books about D so that time with lawyer is well spent.
Then will inform wife that I am thinking of D and ask what would she like to do. Earlier she had said that we could just make an agreement between the two of us, but I prefer hard copy on paper (though maybe an agreement between the two of us could be just that - what would be the difference?)
Off for a woodsy run again, it being dry enough now so you don't have to navigate through puddles and mud. Mostly sunny, 53F, light west wind.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Good job with scheduling the lawyer. Wait to inform your wife until you have the facts. Your right in that the agreement can be on paper (everything from this point on should be).
Have a nice weekend! I'm working on the house this weekend so it's pretty busy.
Hope your weekend was good. We had a nice Valborg, with friends for dinner.
Lawyer visit for advice session is on next Monday morning, and I leave a week later for 3 weeks of business. Plan to ask once more in an email if she is interested counseling, a last chance thing. If no, will then tell her about the lawyer etc. when I am back.
Global warming has some benefits - it is nice and sunny here, but we have to water a lot!
Cheers -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
My wife removed her rings in Sept 05. She said she didn't know if or when she would put them on. We both screwed up in 05, but mine was the worse by far. I had forgiven her, but she doesn't like to deal with problems. This is her second marriage.
Her parents didn't know we were having problems, and put the rings on before she went to visit. I asked if she is going to keep them on when she returns, and she said she didn't know.
I plan to file for D this month if we (her) don't start making some kind of progress in being a couple again.
Short answer, if it's important to you that she wears the ring, confront her with it. Let her know that it's up to her that she wears it or not, but let her know what that it's a sign that the M is over.
Below is a list of things I think might be relevant to ask the lawyer about on Monday. Is there something else that might be useful?
Grateful for any input -
Apple trees blooming, small ripples on the lake -
Luke
1) Custody of kids 2) Change in status if I move to USA before divorce – do different laws apply? 3) Is it sensible to open a separate, not shared bank account now and empty the currently shared one? 4) I have paid 95% of the mortage for the house. Does this count in the division of goods? 5) how much do I need to pay when we are divorced? 6) does W have a right to my 401K money in the States? 7) does her status change when she moves in with another guy? 8) multi-country issues – as I plan to move to USA and W to stay in Sweden 9) the things I bought, for example our sailboat – are they to be shared 50/50? 10) how are things divided up? 11) does the D have to be done in the plain vanilla way or can you put together your own contract (and does this have advantages)? 12) who gets the kids when? How pays for the kids to travel between countries? 13) how about will, insurance and similar issues? 14) how do I minimize contact with W ? Must we meet at times?
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Those are some good questions but remember to find a lawyer with experience. In Sweden it's pretty much 50-50 on splitting everything and then you'll end up paying for CS at a set rate. It's the lawyers experience that will be your guide so you may need to shop around alittle. Hear them out.
You also have to decide if you really want a divorce or not. If not, then you need to explain this to the lawyer so that a strategy can be developed. If yes then you need to let them handle it. That's what they are good at so don't play lawyer yourself. Remember, you talk marriage (which has been existant only in name for 3 years due to your wife's adultery and alienation of affection), the lawyer talks divorce.
Have a nice weekend and don't sweat it. You've been in the game a long time now so a little longer won't hurt and you have all the time in the world to make a decision. After you have the info you need you have to sit down with the wife in a neutral place, in public, and just talk. Just communicate. If you don't get through to her then you make your decision. The one that feels good in your gut and the one that provides the best home environment for your kids.
The biggest stumbling block in all this is the kids - if I stay, I think they will have a better childhood, but I will likely suffer, as I don't expect W to want to change anything. She has the best deal here - another guy, her life basically paid for, a nice house, etc. Still, I do think it is fairer to share the suffering that my wife insists on creating among us all rather than taking it all myself.
I do think it boils down to a choice my W needs to make - stay and try to make things better (I'll suggest Imago counseling, which she once refused, but am open to another way) or split up. Perhaps she could move out and I would live here with the kids (this in some way seems fair, as a lot of the conscious decisions leading to this were made by her), without her (she would probably want to use the garden etc). I think it is worth plotting out the various scenarios and my responses/attitude to them.
Trevlig helg to you also. Hope the house fixing up went well and that you had a nice May 1.
Much appreciate your suggestion about meeting in a neutral public place - must buy you a beer someday when we are both in the clear, whatever that ends up being -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
With a couple of whiskys under my belt I would put the classic "Be a wife or outta my life" type of discussion on the table. If she's a wife she's going to act like one. If she's not then politely ask her to leave and set a date, approx. 30 days in the future. If it helps then find her a cheap apartment. She can't keep her toyboy since she'll be working to support herself.
I forgot to mention that I've seen this type of activity in Sweden before. It's not pretty. Women who marry for a meal ticket and then fob the kids off or get another man to have more kids with. Ugh.
Like I said earlier. Focus on the kids. You and them can be a happy family and perhaps you can find another woman to help. Either you have a marriage or you don't. She needs to think about that. Tell her that you know. Don't tell her what you know, just that you know she's not been your wife for some time and that someone else can support her in the manner in which she's used to. Perhaps her cellphone buddy?
Have a nice weekend! I'm off for more whiskey and a little grilled steak (which reminds me I need to get it off the grill!!)
