"You are wrong in the attribution you make as to why he is paralyzed...by his own admission he goes to extremes to avoid conflict DUE TO HIS CHILDHOOD. He was paralyzed by fear before he ever met me. That is why he ran from his first marrage. And "letting him get away" with avoiding the difficult and painful conversations required to grow was a mistake that I will never ever make again."
I don't disagree with you that the reason he avoids conflict is because of unresolved childhood issues, not having good role models for communication growing up, etc. And that dysfunction has dictated his communication, or more accurately, failure to communicate as an adult.
I lived with one of those too so I get exactly what you are saying.
But what I see you doing, and what I see as the source of your frustration is that you are determined to force him out of that pattern. And you see what he's doing as wrong. "letting him get away with it"--that's pretty strong judging language.
I am just suggesting here that perhaps you two can't communicate because you have a predetermined idea about how people are supposed to communicate. He is never going to communicate like you do. And you keep trying to force him to.
Yes, his childhood got him to this place, but I would submit to you that you are keeping him in that place. You are sending a message that he's not safe expressing his feelings with you. That if he doesn't express them in a certain way, he's avoiding, he's not being honest, he's suppressing. Yes, that IS exactly all of what he does. But quit grading it...Let him say it. And every time he does, validate it.
Read this again: "And "letting him get away" with avoiding the difficult and painful conversations required to grow was a mistake that I will never ever make again."
In my opinion, you would be better served by concentrating on "letting go" rather than "letting him get away with".
