sol...I have just read your post here...I want to tell you how sorry I am...it sucks...I know as my H had EA/PA...he denied it to the bitter end but eventually I discovered someone who put him in her town with no other reason for him to be there...it was not pretty so I do applaude your ability to sit on this and try and calm down...
One thing I would like to comment on is the OM telling you about the PA...just curious but could it be he is just trying to stir trouble and that it wasn't really a PA as your wife says???
I know there is the STD issue but in reading all about that if either of you have had sexual partners in the past this could be from that...so, it might be that you/her have had this all along...it says a man can go his entire life with no symptoms and not even know he has it...yet he can pass it on to female partners and keep reinfecting them....just something to consider here...unless you were both virgins...which judging by the age of her son I would have to say she wasn't...but what about you???
I know the reasonableness of all of this is they probably did have an A...and really we all know that is a mute point in the big picture because an A is really the symptom of the bigger problem...I am not minimizing it...it hurts like hell...I never ever ever believed that my H could do such a thing...yet he did...
Supposing your information is correct...and your W is confronted with this new information....and suppose she still lies...you have to really consider why she is lying...I know this seems silly but after going through this with my H I finally had to accept that he lied because he could deal with my reactions...so I had to change my reactions to bad news...I had to prove myself...I know this seems unfair...but it can work....
Next...don't let your W's actions fool you into thinking she feels no remorse...my H acted as if he was totally justified in all of his actions...then one day...he totally broke down...this was almost 2 years after he began his affair and probably a good year after it was over...he admitted how eaten up with guilt he was...how he didn't feel worthy of my love...how he had never meant to hurt so many people...my point is...you W probably is hiding her very true feelings..
As for staying in contact with OM...not unusual...he was a lifeline...remember BandAid...for her pain...and I found in talking honestly and openly (after my H found he could be safe with his feelings around me) he admitted it takes time for those feelings to go away...I know he stayed in contact with OW for some time after they "ended" things...just like they don't fall in love in one day...or don't stop loving us one day (although it can feel like this)...this illicit A will also take time to close...for my H it was at least a good year and half till he could get to the point of realizing that it wasn't really love...that he really was over having feelings for her..
Sol...I know this all stinks worse then stink bait in the sun on a hot day in humid July...but it really might be worth it all to make it to the other side...I am almost all the way home myself now...H is in counseling...we will be starting couples communications classes soon...after more then 2 years I see us coming together and rebuilding a very healthy and strong relationship...
Take care....Sol
PS...I would divert all emails from anyone who is your support so that she is not aware of them at all...I know this seems like you are hiding things...but to have them in her face is really justification for her to keep contact with OM...you deserve a secret haven (provided you are keeping it chaste)...but she doesn't need to wonder about you and have it in her face...KWIM?
