In all our years of marriage I have NEVER denied her sex. Mostly because it is kind of like a starving man in that there are always stretches of time (min 1 month) between encounters. This time around though, I know I would not be able to perform even if I wanted to. I don't think I am all that willing to run that emotional risk. If I turn her down I am sure she will be highly offended and overtly or passively hostile. However, I dont think it fair to expect me to be able to just turn the sexual fire on and off as her wants/needs dictate. I am just not willing to play that game any more.
FWIW...it's not a game (not even a mind game) to turn down sex that is not what you are needing. Now, if sex for the pure physical release IS what you are looking for then turning it down would be senseless. However, if you are looking for a partner to be "present", to be "engaged" when you ML then don't accept sub-par. Many women (unfortunately) view sex as an obligation (her background would back this up). Obligatory sex is not satisfactory sex, it doesn't mean she's active, it doesn't mean she gets into it (maybe she does)....it just means she offers up her body for your use.
I'm not even asking you to turn of the sexual desire you have for her if it's there. My point in turning her down is specifically directed at situations where....she just rolls over and lays there. Or has a "lets get this over with" attitude. In me, when my H would do this....I found a switch flipped internally in me that made me feel degraded. I made a decision to stop accepting sex from him when it made me feel that way.
I'll give you an example, this is the first time I did this with my H. One night (it had been MONTHS) I got dressed up, drug my H into our bedroom and began to seduce him, physically he looked aroused. He just laid there....I began to have sex with him and he just laid there. Didn't touch me, just laid there....this made me feel so horrible, he didn't even feel like he was in the room with me, yet he was right under me. I got off of him, got up and put my robe on and said "I'm not doing this!" It literally surprised him. He was shocked that I stopped. Apparently he was enjoying himself....yet you would never know. I explained to him that I wasn't going to have sex with him when he didn't even feel like he was in the room with me....I deserved BETTER than that from him. I didn't go back to having sex with him that night either, even after we talked about it....because his lack of participation just killed that sexual spark in me for him on that night. I went from being horny for him, to "not on your life!"
THAT is what I was getting at when I asked if you'd ever refused your W. If she behaves in this way (and she may not) it's often an attention getter, and it's a respectful thing for you to do for yourself. Oh and, if you do this...and she gets offended, that's HER problem. Don't rescue her from her emotions, make her deal with them. State your side of things, don't settle....and let HER deal with her own emotions as a result.
