Funny how you did mention me being an anchor for him...I never knew this until a few months ago...talking to his sister she said she married her first husband because she loved his family and wanted it...it was a package thing...they were close, loving, and generous...all the things she didn't have...unfortunately there were some hidden issues with drugs and alcohol that she discovered and when she got involved with that she quickly got sucked in...before long she was not happy with the life she had and fled to another man....one who was very abusive...she stayed with him for 16 years or more...I don't know her current husband but she seems settled and happy...
Now when I related that to my husband he told me the reason he married me was that he viewed me as stable....that I would marry and stay married...no one in my immediate family upto the time we married had gotten divorced, we were all close, we all helped each other when in need...he figured if he married me he would be able to make it...so it wasn't all about love as I had always thought...for him it was survival...and for many years, yes, I did act like his protector...eventually that backfired because when we had children he began to see his "protector" acting like a mother....and he didn't want to be treated like a kid...of course I had no idea he was feeling this way until he left...he felt he had to keep everything inside and do what he thought he was supposed to do because he was the broken one...to make it work he copied me and my family....only on the inside that was fixing him...
I do think it is possible to help for you to help your H...but he has to want help...my H fought help for a long time...I know how hard it is to see the man you view as strong seem so weak...how you want to fix it for him (like we do our kid's boo boo's)...that we can't do...but I helped by being supportive...letting him know there was help if he wanted it...when he would spiral to the point of drinking himself stupid I quit covering it up and taking care of him...I would call 9-1-1 and get him an ambulance...that is when he really began to aknowledge that he needed help...it was a professional advising him...not me...it was a risk I took...he went from thankful to extremely angry in the hospital...the doctors told me I did the right thing...he said he hated me for doing it...by the next day he was okay...he was ready to admit defeat of his demons and get help....he had one relapse...I didn't hesitate to call 9-1-1 again...again the same thing....but so far he has stayed sober and he tells me I did the right thing....which to me tells me I did save him from himself...
When someone has childhood issues...as I believe the worst of the MLC'ers do...it is a long road...and a rough one...I think I showed my husband I could be strong...not abusive...and that I would not quit on him as everyone else in his life had...I remained the constant even though my world had been torn apart and shredded...but then too he deliberately did have an affair because he wanted me to NOT WANT him anymore...he thought I didn't love him...and he felt this was a way that would let me go with a clean conscience...well, again, I fooled him!!!
I wish you the best with you H...I know the OW thing is so very hard...it was hard for me because I valued the fact that I was H's first and only...he wasn't my first...but he was absolutely the best for me...and I always told him that...I was sorry I hadn't met him first...but then I was 15 so what did I know???
Take care and thank you for reading my past story...I guess I can now say my history is stll here!
