New day, I don't know if I should stay in piecing or go to newcomers. I feel like I'm starting over, maybe even at a point lower than over. I'm hurting so bad right now, it's crazy how much you whole body can hurt inside and out.
Riding with FIL yesterday, he asks how things are going. Different question coming from him, he never asks about us. Then he tells me that if someone would have told him 5 years ago that he would have heard things he has recently heard, he never would have believed them. Never.
I was really curious now. So I asked and he told me. He had talked to W two weeks ago. During the conversation he told W that if he were married to someone and they were saying those things, (W told him she doesn't want to touch me, be with me, anything with me), FIL would think they want a divorce. W said, "dad, that's what I want". FIL was/is shocked. FIL can't believe this is coming out of W's mouth. FIL said to me, "it seems she wants to be 20 again, like she is some high schooler just getting to college and wants to spend all her time partying". I didn't say anything. Then FIL said, "W better realize she is almost 40, has 4 kids and responsibilities or she will lose everything".
I could only say, yeah. All I could think was, W doesn't care, she wants to lose everything.
Tyler, The level of support is pretty high in the MLC forum. That might be better than going back to Newcomers.
I was briefly posting in MLC, so got familiar with some of the folks and their situations there. There is an intensity and drama to their situations. Their WAS's are also in the throes of a MLC, with no end in sight.
Your situation is similar to those in the MLC forum. I think you would find it helpful there.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
First and foremost, sounds like you've got one heck of a MLC goin' on with your WAW there. Knowing that, I'm not sure what I might say that will give you comfort in any substative way, but let me ramble a couple thoughts out there.
First, FWIW, it is maddening I so hear you that you can make the changes in yourself, have your W acknowledge that - and yet still think they need to chase something else. Been there. My heart sunk when my AWAW said she needed to pursue something with an OM - "to be sure" - all the while saying similar things to me that your W is saying to you. As much as our MC (we were lucky enough to go together) was trying to get her to see it as an escape of sorts, she was dead set on the "experience". So there is lots o' empathy there.
So where do we go from here? I think if you talk to any of the folks on the MLC board, you'll find that no matter what you do or say, etc., there will be NO change in behaviour in your W. It is totally up to them. So let me ask...why do you keep beating yourself up for it? It's done, past, can't change that. And further, you cannot change them. You can work on yourself to make YOU the best looking altenative out there, but it will likely be me with an "I'm not buying".
The main tenet of Michelle's work is that we pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and work on ourselves. We prioritize the things that are important to us, and we go after those that either are not important - or don't share the same importance with others. This was the 2x4 to my head that I was able to work through. I wrote a mission statement centered around who I wanted to be (for myself and others). Early on, it included my W's name in it. I had it posted on the refridgerator at my apartment. She was over one day and read it. Then, couple months later, when I decided enough was enough - I needed to live my life for my boys and ME, to took her name off of it and replaced it with "my spouse". Weeks later, W was over again and nearly started crying.
Now, I got lucky mind you - the combination of the changes that I made in myself - that STUCK because I made them - plus the growing reality that we were divorcing (because I made it clear we were going to) started to bring things around. But it wasn't until I accepted and was okay with that fact that I didn't fail - and that even if I got divorced, I was still going to be the best darn man and father I could be that things got better for me.
I did what from the KLA tapes is called the Paul and Anne 180 where I made it clear that while I wish things were different, I am moving on and I am okay with it. I just wonder if you reached deep down inside - accepted where you are right now and told your wife the same, what kind of impact it would have. I don't think it will get your W to come back, but it will allow YOU to retake control of your life and start living again. The effect on my W was profound (I'll dig up the link to when I discussed it on the board).
It's scary as all get out - trust me, been there. But I will tell you that you WILL be okay - but it is you that has to take control of your life. Commit that to yourself and your children....it'll pay dividends. Has for me.
Hope that makes some sort of sense....
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Sven, the hard part is I feel like I'm in a fog or something. I really can't seem to think straight right now. I keep thinking, where the heck did that come from? Pleasant trip, nice easy going phone calls, no R talk, no pressure and then, BOOM!
You're right, I have to get the focus off of W/R, and onto me and my children.
I know it sounds ridiculous but, how? I honestly feel like I've been suckerpunched. I am functioning but partially knocked out. You know that feeling after a brutal workout or long run, just out of it and can't seem to get it together.
Sven, I would really appreciate that link, thank you.
Thanks to everyone for their time and effort. I can't wait to be in a better place where I can actually help others along. Right now, I think the only input I would give would be to run like the Flash from any kind of commitment.
Near the bottom of the page I talk about the MC session we were in. Note, as I talk about it, I really thought I was DONE - but I had finally become more and more "okay" with it.
I love going back to this stuff because this is really when I was in transition. I look at it and really see myself taking control of my life back....so I suggest for you.
For now, what things can you do to clear your mind? It's clear you need a good nights sleep. Can you go for a nice long walk? Exercise is the best.
Seriously - get some exercise and some rest. Then hit a decent coffee shop and write out some goals....
Hope this helps some how.
Sven
Last edited by SvenTheRed; 05/03/0708:40 PM.
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Near the bottom of the page I talk about the MC session we were in. Note, as I talk about it, I really thought I was DONE - but I had finally become more and more "okay" with it.
I love going back to this stuff because this is really when I was in transition. I look at it and really see myself taking control of my life back....so I suggest for you.
For now, what things can you do to clear your mind? It's clear you need a good nights sleep. Can you go for a nice long walk? Exercise is the best.
Seriously - get some exercise and some rest. Then hit a decent coffee shop and write out some goals....
Hope this helps some how.
Sven
It actually helps more than you know. I just finished getting the kids in bed. W is at practice and then going to a club with her sister. I'm honestly exhausted. I'm going to bed. Thank you again.
Oh man, what the heck. Gave SIL a ride today to grab some coffee and hang out a bit. SIL, FIl and it seems everyone else thinks W is out of her mind to want this divorce.
I called W to say I'm on my way home, W mentioned a concert she wants to see on the 24th. I said that would be cool and she launches into how this doesn't mean anything and how she isn't attracted to me and doesn't want to be with me socially, physically, sexually, emotionally or any other -lly there is or could be. So after getting blasted then she tells me that I just don't get how hard this is for her, how much I just don't know her because if I knew her I would know how much it goes against her nature to reject someone, to say these things to someone.
I have to admit.., I lost it. Everything hit me, I broke. I told her that I do know her and that's why I think things can change because I do know her nature, I do know how she is and I'm begging God and working my butt off to break through all the stuff between us and reach that part of her. W said, it won't change and it's not wrong or sinful for her to want out. That it won't change because she has felt this way for so long. She says she feels absolutely nothing for me and doesn't want to even talk to me, let alone give me the time to see if this can work.
I really blew it here. I told her that she hasn't tried everything, she said she has. I said you have tried while I continued to mess up, let's see what happens in a few months if I'm not messing up, ie; no chasing, no pursuing, nothing that brought us/her to this point. She said she doesn't want to wait 6 months or a year and definitely not 5 years, her feelings are gone and she doesn't want to wait for them to return.
She swears there is no one else and she doesn't want to be with anyone else, she just wants to be away from me.
I have no reason to believe there is anyone else. I don't know what to believe. I'm holding on as tight as I can right now but I just feel like walking away. This hurts so bad. I'm fighting for something, for someone that's not interested in anyway and has made that clear.
