FijiOrBust, Thanks for the advice. I am actually on some meds now, but they are technically not for depression, more for anxiety. and where I live, it will be hard to get an appt. with another doc before 5/8. I've stuck it out this long, I can wait another week. I did see my wife yesterday, but only briefly. I actually woke her up, so she wasn't at her best. I kept it short and sweet. She called me later, but only chatted, didn't talk about the R. She said she will call later in the week. This week is just really bad. there is a lot of clean up work at the house, I am trying to get the house repainted, because I am going for refinancing. At first the didn't want to send out an appraiser, now they want to. I'm deathly scared they will try to screw me out of the house's value. Just lots of stuff on my plate right now.
FijiOrBust, Thanks for the advice. I am actually on some meds now, but they are technically not for depression, more for anxiety. and where I live, it will be hard to get an appt. with another doc before 5/8. I've stuck it out this long, I can wait another week. I did see my wife yesterday, but only briefly. I actually woke her up, so she wasn't at her best. I kept it short and sweet. She called me later, but only chatted, didn't talk about the R. She said she will call later in the week. This week is just really bad. there is a lot of clean up work at the house, I am trying to get the house repainted, because I am going for refinancing. At first the didn't want to send out an appraiser, now they want to. I'm deathly scared they will try to screw me out of the house's value. Just lots of stuff on my plate right now.
Just Posting for Whomever, My emotions are still a whirlwind. I feel like there is so much to deal with that it gets overwhelming. I know that a lot of you folks have had it rougher than I have, so I know your pain must have been unbearable at times. It can just be so hard to get through one day at a time, and I always feel like no matter what, I'll come out on the losing end. Maybe I should change my screen name to Charlie Brown! But as I said before, at this point in my life, I am prone to self-pity, which does no one any good. I dunno, just ramblin'.
Brandon Kirk, I have a post above that recaps the meeting, see 04/28/07 12:17 AM. Thanks for the prayers!
I've been trying not to obsess so much about the problems, so I have been taking a break from posting here.
Thanks everyone for their support.
I'm feeling better, but my w has already started moving some of the small stuff to her new place. She has some of our friends coming on Saturday to get the big stuff. I'm really not looking forward to going back into the house with the stuff gone and her not there. I don't know just how I'm going to feel this weekend. I may even stay away for a few more days.
I'm beginning to accept the fact that there really is nothing I can do or say. I can plead, beg, write letters, talk, cry, etc... it just doesn't matter. It is completely up to her. It's a fixable marriage, she just has to decide if she wants to fix it or not and that's based on how much she values the marriage. I can't make her. (I've tried. Just can't do it.) And I told her this last night.
I also told her that she has a pattern of running away from problems. Gave examples and suggested that she really should see a C. I think she really believes our problems are all my fault. She cried and said she had to go to a meeting. I asked her to call me back later. She said she didn't have time.
There was a break in the meeting and she called to question why I thought she ran away from problems and why she should see a C. (I don't think she was mad.) I just told her that she needed to get some help, so that she didn't repeat these problems in her next relationship.
She hasn't called back. She may call tonight. I'm not planning to call her again until next week. I'll probably leave her a message on the house phone asking her to put out some extra cat food before she leaves out on Saturday.
I really don't expect her to stop her move at this point. But may be I made a little progress and slowed things down some.
At times when I talk with her she actually seems to start to understands my "side" and it's almost like she's wanting to give it another try. However, I think as soon as we finish talking, she talks with her friends and they then reinforce her original position. Kind of hard to win.....
I'm getting tired, but then also I don't want to give up. However, there really is nothing I can do but work on myself. I've joined a gym and also plan to start the DivorceCare program tonight. Also still going the my C's "group meetings". I guess I'm hoping for the best, but getting prepared for the worst.
I've had friends tell me to just move on, forgit it, and to even start dating. I'm not planning to do that yet. The way I see it, I'm not moving away from the marriage, just moving on with my life.
2in2, hang in there. Get those AD's in your system (they'll take a while to start working), join a gym, yell at a tree but don't beat yourself up, don't call her friends/family, don't call her unless you absolutely must, don't even think about her. It's hard to do, believe me I know. But I've reached a point that, I really must work on me. Everyone tells you to "just work on yourself." But you'll reach a point and you'll understand and you'll really start doing it. And you will feel better.
I'm still on the rollercoaster, but the hills and valleys aren't so far apart any more.
Thanks everyone for their support and help thru this difficult time.
There was a break in the meeting and she called to question why I thought she ran away from problems and why she should see a C. (I don't think she was mad.) I just told her that she needed to get some help, so that she didn't repeat these problems in her next relationship.
You might also point out to her that as caring and sensitive are her family and friends, they might not be giving her the best advice and support -- they are too close to the situation, have their own issues/baggage, and maybe even have an axe to grind with you (12_51) or someone in their own past.
If she found the right counselor, she would likely get more objective advice based on years of experience with all sorts of situations. She'd certainly get a different viewpoint, a different form of support. How can it hurt? [That question is to her, not you ]
You could also ask "This is a really significant turning point in your life, and I hope you are getting some support and opportunity to vent and bounce ideas off of someone, at least. Are you sure they [MIL, sister, girlfriend, bank-teller -- uhm, leave out the bank-teller] is the best possible source of support, understanding, and perspective on these things?"
My thoughts exactly. She quit going to "our" counselor and says that she's got a name of a new one, but she just won't go. She won't even take calls from our counselor. I'm still going, but not her. -- It's not her problem.
Many of her friends are great, but they don't know the full situation. The simply want their friend to get better -- they won't tell her anything that think she doesn't want to hear.
I really make me mad that we spend 6 months in counseling and then she gives up when things are getting better.
I just don't think she wants it to work now.
FijiOrBust, I agree with you and I've said similar things to her. But I could go outside and yell at tree and get more action.
I could just tell her that she wins, file the papers.
I don't ever give up. Never. Never give up on anything. But should I this time?
Should I take my ring off and find a date?
I want my wife back, but I just don't think it going to happen. There's nothing else I can do but improve myself and move on with life. I want kids. This could be that opportunity. Find someone younger and have them. May be it was never ment to be with my wife and I should get over it. It might even be easier on me if I were to give in now rather than waiting on her to take action.
I think this is the LAST thing you need to be doing right now. Your mind is whirling around like a cyclone. Take a deep breath and just step back a little.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
You're right that's the last thing I need to do. I guess I'm mad and it's a way to strike back. Kind of "I'll show you."
It's the wrong thing to do, and I'm not that kind of person.
Today at my C's group session, we talked about the five stages of grief.
Denial - "this can't be happening to me"
Bargaining - begging....
Anger - fight back
Depression - hopelessness
Acceptance - accept the lost, not just try to bear it quietly
My C said that these 5 steps are universal. That many things are effected by culture, etc. but that people all greeve the same way. It was an interesting discussion.
I think that I've finished the first two, but I'm not sure where I'm at in the last three. It's almost like I'm looping thru the last three. Somedays more one than the other.
One good thing that's come out of all this, is that I really enjoy learning about psychology and how the mind works. Learning what other people are doing and how they are feeling.
I think that I understand myself much better now. And I also feel that I understand my wife better. Michelle's books have also helped so much. Things really do make much more sence than they ever did before.
It's also amazing how approaching things with an open/willing mind will allow you to see things better.
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I've talked with my wife three times this week by phone. Everytime she has cried. I think this is really hard on her. I think she loves me, but just can't bring herself to trust me that things will be different if she comes back.
C's don't fix things. They don't restore you to your previous state. They help you understand and grow. As you grow you become a different person. I think that I am becomming a better person and have changed a lot. I know that things will be different in the future with my wife or with someone else.
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