I know this is a community devoted to saving marriages but my father referred me to this site given my situation. I am 28 and my girlfriend is 24. We have been dating for over two years and been living together for close to two years. Everything started to spin out of control with our relationship about three months ago.
My girlfriend became good friends with a co-worker of hers about a year and a half ago when she started the job. Over time, she began to confide in him personal information between her and me. This bothered me somewhat but I understand that there are times where you just need to vent to a friend. Over time, she and the friend became closer and closer. At times, I questioned her about him and she reassured me that they were just friends.
About six months ago, her co-worker friend moved across the country. However, he continued to contact her on more than a regular basis. Around Christmas time, he came back to town to visit friends and family. Of course my girlfriend hung out with him while he was in town. Since Christmas, things have taken a nosedive between my girlfriend and me. She began pulling away, not behaving like she used to, and so on. She also began to keep her cell phone by her side at all times, never letting it out of her site and there was constant text messaging going on.
I had a gut feeling something was going on and the one time she left her phone laying around I went through her text messages. I found what I suspected, and there were numerous text messages from her co-worker. The text messages were a bit much for being just friends and they went back to around Christmas time.
When I confronted my girlfriend about this, she told me that her friend had admitted that he had feelings for her. She said that he had admitted this when he was up here visiting around Christmas time when she was telling him about our relationship. She reassured me that he was just a friend and that the feelings were not mutual. Over the next few weeks, things between us got worse and I eventually got her to admit that she once had feelings for her friend but she had worked through them.
About a month ago, my girlfriend tells me that she is going on vacation with her best friend (we will call her Mary) and her family (who live out of state) to Florida. This does not surprise me since she has gone with them before. For the past few weeks, she has been telling me how she can’t wait to go on vacation to see her friend and her friend’s daughter and just relax for a while. She also stated that she wanted to just get away to clear her head about the problems we had been having and everything else going on in her life.
A few days ago, a friend and co-worker of mine (We will call him Rob. He is also a friend of my girlfriend and Mary) stated he was going to train on of our distributors who is in the vicinity of Mary. He told me while he was going to be out there, he made plans to meet up with Mary. The problem is, the plans were made during the same time my girlfriend was supposed to be in Florida with Mary.
Later that night, I went home and did a little investigating. I discovered a letter which contained questions and comments that my girlfriend wanted to tell her co-worker. Many of the questions were very personal and appeared to be related to their situation (ex. How he felt about her now and how she felt about him.). However, it was never written out what their situation was.
I confronted my girlfriend with this newly found information and she finally came clean. As it turns out, she is going to see her co-worker friend. She told me that she didn’t tell me because I would have not let her go and that she just wanted to go see a friend. I was not happy about the situation but there was little I could do. She left to see him last this past Wednesday (3/28) and gets back tonight.
Over the last two weeks as things have gotten rockier, my girlfriend has been stating that she was moving out when she got back from vacation. She wasn’t sure where she was going or how she was going to manage on her own, but she was moving out. While I suspected this, I just received confirmation from Rob that she went to see her old co-worker to see if things could work out between them. She was planning on attending nursing school here locally, but I also found out today that if things could work out between her and this other guy that she has already looked into schooling near him.
I love this girl with all my heart and we were talking about marriage only 6-8 months ago. However, I cannot tolerate liars and she has been lying straight faced to me for the past 3 months. I feel that she has given no respect at all. I also feel cheated because I have been working on our relationship to make it stronger for the past 3 months and I had no chance in hell since her heart and mind were with someone else.
At this point, I don’t know what to do. I would love to have some of my questions answered, but at this point I don’t even know if it is worth it. Part of me wants to kick her out and move on but part of me wants to make this work. I don’t know if I should confront her with this information when she gets home tonight or just let it slide. If I let it slide, I feel that I am allowing myself to be walked over.
Ok, I need some advice. Well it has been a month and a half since she first said that she was going to move out and she is still living with me. Granted, we have been in separate rooms but she is still here.
For the past month and a half, I have GAL and become a bit more mysterious. I always used to answer the phone when she called and would leave notes if I went out and she was not home. Now, when she calls my cell phone, I no longer answer all her phone calls. Some nights when I go out with friends, I don’t leave a note.
For the first few weeks, she would come and go as she pleased. Never calling or saying she was going out. Some nights she wouldn’t come home. While we had some nights where communication was good between us, most of the time little was said. She would get home and go straight into her bedroom. However, I was acting the same way. I wanted her to be the one to open up the lines of communication.
Since I began doing my 180s, she appears to be more interested in me and what I am doing. Even though there was little communication the first few weeks, when there was she would ask where I went the night before and who I was out with. I usually remained pretty vague, such as saying “I went out to the bar with some friends.” Her response was always, “Oh.”
Even though her not coming home at night or calling to let me know that she wouldn’t be coming home after work bothered me, I never asked where she was at or who she was with. I just kept my mouth shut. Even though I was being vague in my responses and I never asked what she did the night before, she always made it a point to tell me where she went out and who she was out with. It wasn’t a “rub it in my face” type of thing, it was just like, “Heather and I went to XYZ bar last night and danced.”
With the exception of her always telling me what she did the night before, I knew that she was behaving this way because she wanted to prove to me that her breaking up and wanting to moving out was what she thought she wanted. I am sure she was also doing these things out of stubbornness because I was acting the same way.
After a few weeks, communication got a bit better. We would actually spend time together watching television or a movie. While conversations were pretty short, just us being in the same room for an extended period of time was a step forward. She even started calling me when she got out of work to tell me she was stopping at the store and would ask if I needed anything. This was something she always did when we were together.
The past two weeks, communication has opened up a lot. We are much friendlier with one another and talking and joking like we used to. For the past two weeks, I have been complimenting her appearance, telling her how I really appreciate it when she cleans the apartment, etc. Last week, I went out for a walk around midnight and asked her if she wanted to join me. She said, “Yes.” During our hour and a half walk, she talked more to me than in months. It had nothing to do with our situation just work and life stuff. During this time I said little and just listened. When I did speak is was to support her opinion and thoughts. That night, I noticed her check on me while I was sleeping.
Like I said, the past two weeks I have noticed some major steps. I cooked dinner for her (something I have never done), we have gone out together, communication is A LOT better, etc. This brings me up to this past Saturday.
On Saturday she was sitting on the couch balancing her checkbook. I sat down on the other side of the couch to watch the ballgame. She and I started talking and she was telling me about all of the things she has to do within the next few weeks (she is in a wedding, preparing to go back to school, work, etc.). Honestly, for the past few months she has been VERY busy and getting burned out.
As we were talking she broke down and started crying. I gave her a hug and she put her head on my shoulder but didn’t really squeeze me. I asked why she was crying and she said she is just overwhelmed with everything going on her in life. I told her that I would always be there for her to talk to when she wanted to. Shortly after she collected herself and we began talking again. A few minutes later, she broke down again but collected herself shortly after.
While talking, she told me that her visit to see her co-worker was horrible. She stated that he really pissed her off and she was so happy to get back home. I was shocked to hear this because not once since she got back did I ever asked about her trip.
While we were talking, she told me she started up smoking again about a month ago (which was right around the time we broke up). She also told me she is still not sleeping well and cries every night. She also told me the one night she hung out with her friend; she just broke down and cried for two hours straight. I asked her why she had been crying so much but she really didn’t give me a definite answer.
During this conversation she also stated that she “doesn’t know if this is all worth it.” I asked her what she meant and she responded, “I just don’t know if going on is worth it anymore.” In other words, she was having suicidal thoughts. I asked her if she was serious and she said “sometimes I wonder.” At this point, I had no idea what to say or do so I went out for a walk.
When I got back from my walk, I came over and sat beside her on the couch and she started crying hard. She put her arms around me and rubbed the back of my head. She just kept saying, “I am sorry for what I did.” All I could say was, “It’s OK. I am here for you.” A few minutes later she collected herself and the conversation was over.
Here is where I need help! I am pretty certain something physically or emotionally happened between her and her old co-worker. She has made comments in the past that there was something she had to tell me but she couldn’t do it at that time. I don’t think that she can bring herself to tell me this information. Her first instinct is to run from situations. I have witnessed this in the past and her close friends from college say the same thing. I am not really sold on the fact that she really wants our relationship to be over. I feel that guilt has gotten the best of her and the only solution she sees is to exit the relationship.
I really think that she is depressed. She gets anxiety. She hasn’t slept well in months. She looks to fill a void (first with alcohol, then food, now she is smoking again). I know for a fact she is scared to death about going back to school for her nursing degree (How is she going to pay for it? Will she do well?) When she does go back to school, she will need to get a new job. This worries her. Seeing her friends start their careers and families bothers her. She has made the comment to me that she feels like a loser because she does not know where she is going in life. Her little cousin and close friend are both dieing of cancer.
I am really concerned for her wellbeing! I really think that she needs to get some professional help to assist her in her coping skills and get her head straight. I also don’t think that her moving out is going to help her situation.
We both can be stubborn people, but I am wondering if she is waiting for me sit her down and tell her it is alright for her to tell me what she has been keeping bottled up for so long. And, that she might be surprised how supportive and forgiving people can be.
I know that I am not the one that should bring up the relationship but maybe she dropping hints that she wants me to initiate the conversation. I don’t know what to do!
I really can't give you advice specific to your stich, but I will make some points.
1. With the discussion that happened Saturday night, about her being sorry. It is posssible there is something she wants to tell you, but is scared as to what your reaction will be. Try not to think about what it could be (I know, easier said than done)you will only make yourself angry and anxious. Keep up what you are doing because it is making her feel comfortable in talking with you. Do not approach her or ask her outright if she has done anything, it will make her withdraw.
2. Keep the communication lines open as best you can (you seem to be doing a very good job of that). I find most women (myself included) do not open up to men if they feel they won't be heard, be jumped all over for their views, or if they do not feel any kind of emotional connection or safety.
From what I have heard, the book Men are from Mars, women are from Venus (I have not actually read it) is a good book that addresses communication between men and women.
She seems to be taking on an awful lot at once, going back to school, job search, friends wedding, ect. It sounds like she is overleading herself and it is starting to form into depression (especially with the suicidal thoughts). Have you asked her if she is open to seeing a concellor for herself?
As for what to do, there really is no difinitive answer to that. I think what you are doing is working well, you are communicating better and becoming closer, although not as close as you want. BE PATIENT. Work on yourself first, the relationship will follow.
With the discussion that happened Saturday night, about her being sorry. It is posssible there is something she wants to tell you, but is scared as to what your reaction will be. Do not approach her or ask her outright if she has done anything, it will make her withdraw.
She seems to be taking on an awful lot at once, going back to school, job search, friends wedding, ect. It sounds like she is overleading herself and it is starting to form into depression (especially with the suicidal thoughts). Have you asked her if she is open to seeing a concellor for herself?
I know that there is something she wants to tell me. She has made the comment in the past that there is something that she needs to tell me but she couldn't do it at that time. Plus with the things that I found out (snooping) and her going to visit this guy and lying to me about it, I am pretty certain what it is. For sure, she was emotionally attached to this guy. I wouldn't be surprised if something physical happened also.
While she has yet to admit to anything, I found it surprising that she told me that her trip to see him was horrible and that she was so glad to get back home. I never asked about her vacation to visit "this friend". Yet she made it a point to tell me that he pissed her off pretty bad and she was so happy to get out of there and get back home. I guess the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
As for not saying anything to her and pressuring her....I know she is going to have a VERY hard time coming clean with me. I thought maybe if I said something to reassure her that it is ok to tell me that it might make her more comfortable. All I was going to say was, "You have stated that there is something you need to tell me but you seem afraid to do so. I just wanted you to know that I am hear for you and that you can tell me anything. You just might be surprised how understanding and forgiving people can be." And I was going to leave it at that.
In the past I have asked her to see a counselor because she has some problems she needs to deal with. Her coping skills are not the best, her father passing away when she was a young girl still bothers her, past abusive relationships, her insecurities with herself, etc. However, I never really pressed the issue on her seeing someone.
I did mention her seeing someone again when we broke up. I phrased it like so, "I am going to go see someone myself because I have some problems that I need to address. As a friend, I feel it would be good for you to see someone also....not for us, but for you." Her response was, "I am way too busy and I don't have the time." I responded, "It is only one hour every week or two. You have time to spend an hour going tanning everyday, you can make time for this." I have gone to see someone because there were things I could have done differently and I want to make myself a better person. However, I am pretty certain that she hasn't gone to see anyone yet. BTW, she doesn't know I have been going to talk to someone.
So lost, It sounds like you are doing a good job I cna't give to much advise but just keep up the 180's (have you read divorce remeady)? and keep detaching it sounds like she is starting to come around a little. Yes it does sound like she wants to tell you some thing so just be patient.(look who's talking). Give her the time and space she needs.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Thanks for the support on doing a good job on the 180s. I am near the end of Divorce Remedy. I wish I would have read this book PRIOR to getting into this relationship. I have learned a lot about myself, communication with my significant other, and the warning signs that were flashing in front of my face but I failed to notice at the time.
I did the entire "detaching" thing for the first 3 weeks or so and she did take notice. However, her complaint has always been that she "felt like a roommate" and not my girlfriend. She felt neglected. So for the past two weeks, I have been making it a point to tell her that I appreciate the things that she is doing around the house (cleaning, etc.).
I have also been inviting her out at times. For example, she gets home around 11:30pm from work (we have conflicting work schedules so that didn't help our sitch) and I have recently decided that I would start walking at night before I turned in for bed. I have been asking her if she wanted to join me. Two of the three times I have asked, she has said yes. The one time she said no due to the fact she was too tired, I went out for my walk anyway. Just to show her that I was still going to do the walk even if she didn't come along. Each time after our walk, I make it a point to thank her for coming out for a walk and that I enjoyed her coming along.
She switched shifts today at work, so we both had to work at 8am and we will both get home around 6pm. Therefore, we were both up at the same time this morning. When I got out of the shower, I found her in my room getting ready for work in front of my mirror instead of her getting ready in her room. She has been doing this more and more often over the last week or so. I find this interesting because I spend most of my time in my bedroom. Therefore, she is coming around me quite a bit more on "my turf."
Anyway, while getting ready for work this morning. She ASKED ME if I was up for exercising and walking tonight! I was not expecting this at all but I simply replied with a "Sure, sounds good to me."
It is really nice to be spending much more time together just talking and hanging out (eating dinner together, going out to get ice cream, walking, watching movies, etc.). This is a BIG change since we first broke up when she was going out every night after work (something she rarely did before) and there was little to no communication at all between us. Many times when she did speak it was either very short or she could be downright rude.
I am still being mysterious at times but I also now beginning to tell her how much I appreciate the things she does and compliment her at times. I played the whole "be distant" game at first and it did get her attention. I am just not sure what to do now!
While she hasn't given me any dates on when she plans to move, she is still dropping hints that it is her intention to move out. For example, telling me her and her friend are going to get an apartment, leaving classifieds lying around with apartments highlighted, stating that she is going to start looking for apartments after the bridal shower (which is this weekend), etc. The friend she is moving in with graduates sometime this month from college. I believe that once she graduates is when they are going to get an apartment together.
I don't want to see her leave. I just worry that if I don't at least open the lines of communication about her holding something inside that she won't have the guts to bring it up on her own. And that she would feel that she has to move out because that is what she has been saying all along.
This crap just sucks! While my situation may not compare to many others out there, I still feel bad for anyone that is going through this sort of thing. I appreciate all the support and feedback. At least I have learned a great deal about myself and relationships. I will be certain to apply my new found knowledge to this relationship if it works out, if not then my next relationship will reap the benefits.
65, It sounds like she is trying to come around to you, I wonder if leavimg the classifieds around and mentioning the moving out at various times is a hint for you to bring up the fact that she doesn't have to leave.
You said you want to open up the lines of communicatin to her. You might try telling her that she can talk to you if she has something that is bothering her or that she just wants you to know about, and that you will listen and not chastise or be negative about it,(i think you get my drift). don't push her to talk but let her gentley know she can without ramifications on your end,(DBing you know). you are doing a great job thus far keep up the good work. jak
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
When I first began dating my gf she weighed 98 pounds (she is 5 foot tall). After dating for a few months and we started to let our skeletons out of the closet, she had stated that she had some minor bouts with bielema in the past and that her and food were always in constant struggle.
Even though she lived with three other girls at college, none of them were aware of her bingeing late at night. Once she moved in with me, I noticed that she would sometimes get up late at night and eat a bowl of cereal or grab a snack. Nothing I would consider out of the norm. For over two years of us living together, I really never saw her binge.
While we were dating, she did put on some weight. Over the past three or four months she has been dieting for the wedding she is going to be in. She is back down to around 100 pounds. However, a few nights ago, she made the comment that she needs to start sticking to her diet better because she has been eating quite a bit lately.
Two nights ago, she got home from work around 11pm and ate a bowl and a half of cereal (something she always does) plus a PB&J sandwich. No big deal! She also bought me some pop-tarts and said it was to replace some of the Oreo cookies she had eaten of mine. The next morning she stated that she got up in the middle of the night and ate two more PB&J sandwiches (she admitted that much, so I don't know if she ate more).
Yesterday, I went to get something out of the pantry and noticed that box of Oreos that I had bought didn't appear to be opened. I pulled the box down off the shelf and noticed that the back of the box was open (the part that was up against the wall). Keep in mind, that I never opened this box of Oreos and the box was still positioned the same way as the day I put them on the shelf months ago. It appeared to me that she had purposely opened the back of the box so I wouldn't have noticed that she had opened them. When I looked inside, 4 or the 10 sleeves of Oreos were gone. I don't know if she ate these all at one time or not.
Last night when she got home, she had her usual bowl and a half of cereal around 12:30 am, before she went to bed. At some point in the night she got up and had at least an entire box of mac & cheese and two pop-tarts.
I am really concerned about her. At first when we broke up, she was going out and getting drunk most nights and doing her best to avoid me. She also began smoking again (had quit 2 years ago) about the same time. While communication has gotten a lot better between us and she is no longer going out and getting drunk like she was, she has now turned to food. The fact that she eats very healthy and very little during the day around others and then eats all kinds of crap food late at night when nobody is around concerns me.
I know for a fact that she feels guilty about something and she feels that she cannot bring herself to tell me this information. She has told me this herself. Now, it appears she is trying to fill this guilt with something to make her feel better, but it doesn't seem to be working. A lot of the signs of depression are there.
I just don't know if I should be the one to step up and talk to her about these problems that I see. Should I be the one to let her know that it is OK to talk to to me and get everything off her chest.
65, It sounds like she is trying to come around to you, I wonder if leavimg the classifieds around and mentioning the moving out at various times is a hint for you to bring up the fact that she doesn't have to leave.
You said you want to open up the lines of communicatin to her. You might try telling her that she can talk to you if she has something that is bothering her or that she just wants you to know about, and that you will listen and not chastise or be negative about it,(i think you get my drift). don't push her to talk but let her gentley know she can without ramifications on your end,(DBing you know). you are doing a great job thus far keep up the good work. jak
Thanks jak58. I have no intentions on pushing her to talk. I plan on being very cautious on how I word things with her. Instead of saying, "I know you have been keeping something from me...", I will phrase it as this, "In our past talks, you told me that there was something you needed to tell me but you couldn't do it at that moment. I just want to let you know that you can tell me anything. I know you might be afraid to how I will respond but you may be surprised how understanding and forgiving I can be."
