"What is her past like? I mean, any history of abuse? Stable home life? What were her parents like?
I'm wondering if this isn't something as Cobra so often refers to FOO (family of origin) issues rearing it's head in your marriage."
Raised in a quesi stable home. Stay at home mom, traveling dad. The family, in my view is stable and loving, but Mom had treated Dad much the same way as my wife treats me. There does not seem to be any real intamacy there. No outward displays of affection, when home, he works, etc. etc. My experience is that my parents are very very much in love and openly affectionate. They truly LOVE to be with each other and enjoy each others company more than anyone elses. Both sets of grandparents were the same way as well. This is the model that I had to work with. Hers is very different than mine. So she has no idea what that kind of intamacy looks like. Thing is , she was very affectionate with me during our courtship. No suprise there. But it seemed that all that changed once the rings were on. Now all of a sudden I was no longer good enough, and it has been that way ever since. I am /have always been in the role of playing catch-up
Fiji,
"I wonder if she's swallowed her feelings for so long that she is very repressed, flat, and joyless. I have no idea -- I'm just asking. I suspect that you are right -- that her complaints about housekeeping are not the real problem, not even close. But, I also wonder if it is more than you she is angry or frustrated with -- you're just a convenient target.
I've experienced a lot of pain from the rejection. I'm starting to think, partly from what LD spouses have written around here, that it's not that my wife "does not care" -- she just has no idea, or somehow manages to evade, the extent of how much it hurts. Some consolation. Not much. But some."
This is kind of what I was thinking also. She comes from a family that is very loving and supportive, but it lacks deeper intamacy. That coupled with an inability to look inward efectively/objectivly, seems to point to a situation where I am mostly a target rather than a legit problem. I am not using that to mitigate my own issues in the relationship, mind you, but it would answer some questions.
Bottom line is I am still,basicly living a monastic life in the context of my marriage and now, due to the prolonged state of the forced celebacy, completely depleted of any confidence with respect to my abilities as a husband and lover. I have always been a VERY sexual guy. A woman's orgasm has always been the BIGGEST turnon for me and I have always been more than willing to do ANYTHING to help my partner get it. Almost to the point of forgoing my own as it has naturally been less important to me than hers.
I just feel mournful because I really cant envision a time where there could actually be any real change to our realtionship. I fear that I am doomed to live in a marriage that closely resembles her parents rather than mine.
