Hi all, this is part vent, pity party, and part asking for advice from DB'ers. I think it helps to write this down, as therapy for me.
It's been a long and busy spring. My wife has completed her training for massage therapist and yoga. She had been focused exclusively on this, and the kids have remarked on her failure to participate in family events and holiday traditions, etc. She needed to trake a trip to see her family (overseas) and I adjusted my work and college schedules and used most of my non-existent leave to cover her trip. (Yes I am a martyr). The kids and I had a great time.
She doesn't want anyone to know that we are having marital problems (she was divorced once already). She won't even come into my office as she thinks the whole office knows about our problems (of course they don't). She hasn't worn her wedding rings since 2005, but put them on for the trip to see her parents. I soon expect to see them taken off (she just got in today).
She still wants to stay married for the kid's sake (S13, D10), just not have any emotional or romantic involvement with me, as she plans to start her new business/career. We do things together, chat, have plutonic dates, etc, but just not as a real, married couple. This has been going on since Sep 2005. She has said and done some very disturbing things early on
The Psychologist/Marriage counselor sees us jointly (she doesn't like going to joint sessions, she likes the status quo) and I remarked to him that I feel that she is just waiting to get herself set and then will want a D. He basically agreed.
Last year I had alot of milestones, getting my degree, turning 40, and retiring from the military after 21 years of service. None of these milestones were celebrated at any level by my wife, except for birthday cake (for the kid's sake, I guess).
She hinted that she wanted a specific present for her graduation. I initially was VERY resentful as she had done nothing for me the previous year, but then I realized that I didn't want to be petty, and wanted to acknowledge her accomplishment and hard work (I provided alot of support in studying and helping her with projects). My men's support group and marriage counselor thought it was a great idea. She was relatively suprised and said that she didn't think I was going to get it for her. At her graduation, I was the only one who didn't get to pose for pictures with her. When I picked her up at the airport from her trip, I so wanted to hug her and hold her hand. That, of course, was out of the question.
The counselor has offered to spend an entire weekend with us to attempt some kind of breakthrough with her and work on rebuilding the marriage. She has refused to go on any couples retreats, but this would be private. I told him that if she refused, that I would be filing for D immediately. It has been the most painful two years of my life having her shun me, as I love her very much.
It's the hardest thing in the world that I will ever have to do. He agreed that it would most likely be the best thing, as this may be the only way for her to realize that the marriage WILL be over unless she decides to save it.
I know that everyone has their own idea of when to throw in the towel, but I would appreciate it if anyone can give me feedback and/or advice.
