Actually, my H doesn't respond to "authority" figures at all, he usually gets his back up when the C has even tried to suggest something.
It's like the calm before the storm, I am expecting he might spring one on me - i.e. just say at the C's office that he can't live under those conditions and he's ready to walk. Now, having said that, I guess if that's all I am worth to him, it tells the story but on the other hand, I would rather he tell it to me first before we got there.
Should I be approaching this subject before then? He's in bed now and has to work again tomorrow night so our time is short before the C session on Friday
Radical honesty would be nice. I don't think there is anything nicer in a relationship then that one person you can bare your soul too - that's just unheard of in "his world" - that would be like selling your soul to the devil
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
My gut instinct is that your H is bluffing you. It's worked for him in the past. Throw fit = Heywyre backs down. Ok, so let me ask you this...if he doesn't listen to authority figures, why is he going to MC? There has to be something in him that is willing to take that person's advice if he's willing to put that but in the chair for appointments. If there's not and he's just showing up to placate you and he's really not listening...then you are wasting your money. See my point? If there has been some progress....then he's willing to listen to the MC. He may be stubborn about it, but something gets through.
To add to that...if, after everything you've said, and whatever the MC might say to back up the need for total transparency....your H STILL refuses to budge, he's hiding something.
If you think your H might spring something on you in MC well then...as much as you might not like it done there, let it be that way. Why? Because you will have someone there to help mediate. If your H springs something on you in front of the MC...be assured, he's probably seen it all. There's probably nothing your H could say that would surprise him, it might surprise you...but it won't him, and "IF" your H springs something on you...then your MC can immediately help you (or you two) deal with it...right then and there.
If you want to go to him and tell him that you feel like a shoe is going to drop, and does he want to tell you something before the MC session...fine do that, there's no need for you to hold anything in. However, that tension you are feeling might just be from your own gut saying he's hiding something, hoping he'll just come out and say it.
Part of the reason he is going to C is for his accident claim but he does acknowledge that he feels better sometimes when he talks to the C - so its got to be doing something (like you said). However, there was a time for a while when we first started going that he was still seeing the OW and pretending like he wasn't, and working on the M. Then I found out (through his cell bill) and once again I was devastated. Here I thought we were trying to repair the mess and he was just continuing on like nothing was happening. So you can see why I am leary about his visit to that city last Monday. I find it VERY hard to believe he didn't go see her, especially with several hours to kill for a person that paces at the best of times.
Whether or not I will approach the subject again before we go to the C, I don't know. I feel like I am side-stepping the issue sometimes when he is around. It was like he was going to talk about it last night at supper but then backed down. I will see what the atmosphere is like tonight. If it feels right, I will approach it, otherwise I will just let whatever needs to happen at the C tomorrow. I am sure I have the patience to wait until then if necessary. Of course there is always the possibility at the last minute he will say "I'm not going today, you go by yourself" and that will just throw a wrench into things but that's jumping the gun, I should just be patient here.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
there was a time for a while when we first started going that he was still seeing the OW and pretending like he wasn't, and working on the M. Then I found out (through his cell bill) and once again I was devastated.
Yep BTDT myself. My H went online the December after I had our son. We began MC that following June...so June 04 through Feb 06, my H was cheating on me online. Fortunately for me he never met anyone physically...but the pain of the betrayal was horrendous to say the least. But as you can see...he also would go to the MC sessions and make SOME progress when it came to communication etc. But he withheld what he was doing the entire time...until I, as you, discovered and blew that secret out of the water.
Your H NEVER should have been hiding the cell phone records from you after your Dday. You made your discovery through the cell phone records...so that should have been a given that he needed to provide you with those and not continue to hide them. I'm sorry sweetie, but that's a serious red flag to me. His continuing to do this AND his little deflective/defensive temper tantrum the other night fits neatly into what we call "gaslighting" during a wandering spouse's "fog". God I hope I'm wrong about this, but I believe there is reason to suspect he's doing something.
Your MC knows that you found out through the cell phone bill right? Even if he does, he might need a reminder if you haven't already given him one.
I doubt he is actually "seeing" the OW at this time, because of the distance between where we live and she does. But, that doesn't mean there isn't another OW in the background OR he has been calling escort services here, regardless of the fact he says he "has no desire here" to do that. Part of the reason we moved here was because of his depression and his doctor's suggestion we be closer to family and friends, which we are now and he REALLY does seem to be a whole heck of a lot better. However, that could just be the meds and his lying nature talking. I sure hope I'm wrong on that but unfortunately I have an incredible gut and it's telling me something is not right.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Did you know that women have an incredible gut instinct - but of course you did, you just told me - lol
However, I read an article back a while ago that stated women have a 85-90% accuracy in their gut instincts, whereas men are somewhere around the 60-65% level. I wish I wasn't so accurate sometimes but I haven't been wrong yet and I am not feeling very good about it now either
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I believe our gut instincts are correct 85-90% of the time, but I also know so many of us train ourselves to not listen to it...we either don't want to believe our gut, or we rationalize it away. I've learned the hard way to pay attention to it.
