Oh...know doubt I know how far WE have come...from him leaving me out of the blue...having an affair...spiraling out of control financially and emotionally...to finally coming home...he really gave me know hope for 16 months...it was hard...I had never supported the family on my own...I had never even lived on my own...it was very hard but the girls and I pulled together and made it work...I didn't just lay down and cry...I moved on...lol, I did file for D twice though...once it got within 5 days of being final and I asked H if he wanted to call it off...that maybe it wasn't time to sever the ties yet...he agreed but then disappeared for six months...in that time I really gave up...and became aquainted with a nice older man who lived across the country from me...I just felt that now maybe was the time to cut the ties and filed again...it was about 3 months later (even after H said he could NEVER EVER live with me again) that he moved back to our area...and eventually we started seeing each other again socially...when it happened it happened fast...
Yep, H's family put the "D" in DISFUNCTIONAL...His father and grandfather raped his sister in front of him (he was about 8? she was 7?)...they also saw him molest their stepsisters (stepmom caught him which is why he fled the state, taking H and sister with him)...various cousins and uncles also shared in and abused his sister...and initially when his mom took them from his dad she had left them with her family...that is where H really suffered the greatest sexual abuses...he and his siblings...when his dad came to get them they thought they had been rescued...they were forced away from their older half-brother...and then soon found out that their father was about as evil as where they had been...no rescue!...
I found his half-brother a little over 23 years ago...reunited him with H and his sister...then about 13 years ago I found their mother and reunited them all with her...she really is a good woman although she will never know the damage her children really suffered...she did the best she could and was used and abused herself...she was tricked into loosing her children...she did remarry but never had anymore children...only her H knew she had children...she could only pray that they were safe...little did she really know....of course she knows some of what happened to them...but the feelings of these siblings as children she will never understand...I don't think she could handle it...
Anyways...it has been a long road...one I never imagined going down...because like your H my H despised his dad...my H was a wonderful father and H for so many years...when he cracked he really fell apart....but he never did abuse his kids...he just left in the middle of the night and never really faced them...it was over 2 years before our middle daughter would speak to him...even after he was back in the house!
Well...hang in there...Al-Anon is associated with Alcoholics Anonymous....it is for the families of Alcoholics...I am sure they have chapters world wide...you might need to do some searching...
imlin, that is a very encouraging description of your marriage for me. I am at the 15 month mark, and D is in process, but not going to be final till October at the earlies. And it was to be final last November! Thank you for posting this. Where are your old threads so I can read them?
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
You know Holly...I wish I knew what happened to my old threads...after they reformat here I tried to locate them and couldn't find any of them...I have been here since June of '05...I don't recall ever using a different name either...if you have any success finding "ME", lol, I would be interested...I know I used to go back and read on occasion so I could compare where I was on my own personal journey....
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
Holly...WOW...you are my hero...I have looked and looked...guess I was doing something wrong because I always got "There are no results for your query. Please try a broader range of search criteria."
Okay...since I am not starting my own posts much these days I figured I would include them in my signature ....this way any who want to see where I was vs where WE are can do so....just a warning it it ugly at times..
The good news...I could read them this time without crying!!!Last time I tried to read them which was about a year ago...I was a sobbing mess before I got through half of them...so it really does keep getting better...
Today H and I went to a career fair...he needs a job and I could use a different summer job...one that might give me an in to another good career...I love driving a bus but the stress is great with contract issues and threats of losing our jobs...also I have been rear-ended twice in one year...not fun and not good for my back...so who knows...I have an interview tomorrow with the City for a summer camp job...they need drivers also so we'll see...sounds like fun!
Hi Lin, After reading your H's childhood story the goosebumps and chivers down my spine are still there...This is sooo awful.
You know I sense your H always saw you as his anchor. The one who did incredible things for him like finding his brother and reuniting them with their mother. It must have been so painfull when he was being hurtful and mean to you after all the things you have been through together.
Supporting and cherishing a man who has dealt with so much in the early stages of his life where everything is supposed to be safe and loving is one of the most difficult things to do. I respect you for doing that. For making a terribly hurt soul feel safe and happy with you and give him a home and a family.
I know my husband always regarded me as his anchor. He told me and others on several occassions. Now I feel he needs to find out what happened to him during childhood and find himself. Also to wrestle with issues which have been there for a long while. (he suffered from several anxieties like claustrofobia, fear of flying etc.) I can't help him with this but I'm aching to see him hurt so much. I'm also very afraid he will not get out of this.
Thank you for sharing you story. It is a huge yourney for everyone involved. I'm happy Holly retrieved it for you! And I'm glad to hear you have healed yourself in such a way you don't cry about it anymore. You know what made me have a small bolt of hope inside? When I was reading about the two of you. When you said he moved to lived close by and you started seeing eachother again and things went quick from there on. My DH is showing signs of moving close by... His problems started in january '04. Started his affair in oct. '05 and left in june '06. OW is still there though...:( and he will be leaving the country shortly to live his dream for three months with OW... We'll see. But I'll keep checking up on you and your lovestory!!
Funny how you did mention me being an anchor for him...I never knew this until a few months ago...talking to his sister she said she married her first husband because she loved his family and wanted it...it was a package thing...they were close, loving, and generous...all the things she didn't have...unfortunately there were some hidden issues with drugs and alcohol that she discovered and when she got involved with that she quickly got sucked in...before long she was not happy with the life she had and fled to another man....one who was very abusive...she stayed with him for 16 years or more...I don't know her current husband but she seems settled and happy...
Now when I related that to my husband he told me the reason he married me was that he viewed me as stable....that I would marry and stay married...no one in my immediate family upto the time we married had gotten divorced, we were all close, we all helped each other when in need...he figured if he married me he would be able to make it...so it wasn't all about love as I had always thought...for him it was survival...and for many years, yes, I did act like his protector...eventually that backfired because when we had children he began to see his "protector" acting like a mother....and he didn't want to be treated like a kid...of course I had no idea he was feeling this way until he left...he felt he had to keep everything inside and do what he thought he was supposed to do because he was the broken one...to make it work he copied me and my family....only on the inside that was fixing him...
I do think it is possible to help for you to help your H...but he has to want help...my H fought help for a long time...I know how hard it is to see the man you view as strong seem so weak...how you want to fix it for him (like we do our kid's boo boo's)...that we can't do...but I helped by being supportive...letting him know there was help if he wanted it...when he would spiral to the point of drinking himself stupid I quit covering it up and taking care of him...I would call 9-1-1 and get him an ambulance...that is when he really began to aknowledge that he needed help...it was a professional advising him...not me...it was a risk I took...he went from thankful to extremely angry in the hospital...the doctors told me I did the right thing...he said he hated me for doing it...by the next day he was okay...he was ready to admit defeat of his demons and get help....he had one relapse...I didn't hesitate to call 9-1-1 again...again the same thing....but so far he has stayed sober and he tells me I did the right thing....which to me tells me I did save him from himself...
When someone has childhood issues...as I believe the worst of the MLC'ers do...it is a long road...and a rough one...I think I showed my husband I could be strong...not abusive...and that I would not quit on him as everyone else in his life had...I remained the constant even though my world had been torn apart and shredded...but then too he deliberately did have an affair because he wanted me to NOT WANT him anymore...he thought I didn't love him...and he felt this was a way that would let me go with a clean conscience...well, again, I fooled him!!!
I wish you the best with you H...I know the OW thing is so very hard...it was hard for me because I valued the fact that I was H's first and only...he wasn't my first...but he was absolutely the best for me...and I always told him that...I was sorry I hadn't met him first...but then I was 15 so what did I know???
Take care and thank you for reading my past story...I guess I can now say my history is stll here!
