18 mos and counting...

[MonicaP]

Ok, so its been 18 mos now and next week I'm going for some free legal advice and possibly will be filing same day. I don't want to raise my expectations too high since I'm not really certain how much the Self Service attorneys at Family Court will do to help me, I'm going in to get information.

It feels really strange to have finally "landed" at this place...heading for the Big D. It's still so surreal that H and I aren't together anymore.

I just hope and pray it gets easier to be around H and "negotiate" with him about S4.5. He is such a jerk! I wonder, what does he have to be such a jerk about - he's got it made. He only has to be responsible for S on Sun and Wed eve, other than that he can do what he pleases. Tonight I told him I might be home a little later (1 hr) and would he be willing to stay....his first response was no because I didn't ask him in advance. What nerve! I asked him again if he'd do it and he agreed. Seriously, doesn't he get that I am with S every day and he never has to ask me to stay late because I'm always here! Anyway, when I got home and he was leaving he started to tell me about something about our S and then I just said, ok, bye. I didn't thank him for staying late because it feels like I'm thanking him for doing a favor rather than just taking care of S.

Everytime he's here he tries to make some conversation, usually about his work or something, and I just nod mm-hmm and rarely try to keep it going. I just feel like he's trying to pretend we are friends so that he can feel ok with everything he's done and not feel guilty. Well, he should feel guilty!

S4.5 has asked twice this week why we can't all live together anymore. It breaks my heart. How can H justify causing that kind of pain and confusion for a little boy?

Will H ever come out of the fog he is in? Is it at all possible that someone as far gone as he is with Ow and Goth lifestyle might come out of it and see things clearly. He just seems to be like a teenager.

And what about the Ow? What could she possibly be thinking? Why would she come between a family? I know H has probably told her some bs like it's been over for a long time.

Well, I'm getting sleepy...

[MonicaP]

Journaling...

How does H do it? How does he go from what seemed (to me) to be a pretty darn good life - to leaving his wife, his son, the life we built together - for what? - a group of friends he can identify with for their interest in Goth and the Ow who is someone who could be with a married man with a young child. He's lost the respect of so many people, I'm sure he still lives with guilt and shame (although he hides it well), his work life has been unsteady in the last 18 mos., he's missing all the little wonderful things our S4.5 does and says, he lives in a tiny place (w/ or w/out Ow??), he looks like crap and has had more health issues in the past 18 mos than in the entire time we were together. It just keeps going.

My T says there's no making sense of it. I analyze and I analyze it all and all I can come up with is H is having a delayed adolescence and he's addicted to the drug of this covert lifestyle. He's finally doing something "against" his parents, although he would never see it that way. He idolizes them. Yet he resents them for being so "perfect" and clearly rejects their incredibly responsible and family-oriented lifestyle.

I wonder if he ever misses me and our (family) life together. I loved it, and I loved him. I miss his friendship most of all. I miss how kind and sensitive he was, he treated me so well. But he broke under the pressure of having a child and making some tough decisions.Instead of turning to me he turned away.

I'll always regret that our marriage failed. I don't know how long it will take for me to feel like I could fall in love again, it seems so far off. My friends all encourage me to get out and meet someone but I just don't feel ready. I could go on a casual date but I won't feel available for anything more until I'm divorced. I'm not religious about it, I just feel it would be a mistake to start something new before I was completely done with the old.

Will I ever get over my H? Will I ever accept with peace that this has all happened? Will i ever be able to forgive him?

I pray I can move past the anger and resentment someday, it's exhausting and painful.

that's it for now...

[MonicaP]

I finally went to the Family Court last week to get their free legal help. I've completed all of the paperwork I need for filing for legal sep and child custody/support. The lawyer was very helpful, but she encouraged divorce. She said the paperwork later to re-file for D would be a pain, but I told her that I was willing to go through it because - on principle - I want to know that I have done absolutely everything to avoid D. H can opt to reject LS and choose D, but that will be HIS decision, not mine. I guess I'm pushing the envelope here, but it's been 18 mos and I need to move forward. I'm filing for joint legal custody and full physical custody w/ visitation. I put in a declaration that I am satisfied with our current arrangement but want to also expand visitation in the future. I really don't see H capable of much more right now. I've offered overnights and he has - so far - come up with some excuse as to why he can't.

Next week I will drop off the packet with the court clerk and go from there. I'm anxious about the whole thing. This past week has been really tough. It's just another step toward "the end" and that's really sad. But I need the closure too. I especially need the legal paramaters for child custody & support.

I guess this is the Last Resort.

When I was filling out the paperwork I was in shock, almost going along like a robot - just taking care of business. But later, at home, I was putting the packet together with some other stuff and it just hit me. Wow, this is real. 7 years ago we were standing there telling each other we would love each other forever and I was the happiest woman on earth. We actually had 3 wedding ceremonies (long story) and I truly believed we would never break up.

I remember thanking God so much for bringing H into my life - my one true love. I thought I was so blessed. Was I? I don't know anymore. Obviously our S4 is the blessing, but what about my M? Was that all BS?

That's the tough part. Justifying my M. Was it real? Was our love real? Did he really mean any of the things he claimed throughout our years together? Or was it all an act that he wasn't even aware of? He's so different now. He's so cold and indifferent. He's got a new life w/ Ow and seems to have put our M behind him without a blink.

It hurts so much. I know life will keep moving forward and I will try to move with it, but I sure hope the pain of this loss will lessen soon! I'm exhausted by it.

H will be with S4 tomorrow on Mother's Day. I requested that he spend the day with S on his own (w/ out Ow). I told him I would appreciate that immeasurably. No reponse so far. Gotta let it go.

Thanks for listening.

[cat03]

hey hon, hugs)))) you have hanged on for long, I totally understand that now you have reached your limit and file.

It is sad to look back and think of our wedding and all the promises we had. All couples eventually face their own Everests. Love changes and some can't embrace the change, and some get their mind wiped off any sence by MLC (like your H).
Your love was real, you were happy, it was not a lie.

Hang in there gal, I pray that each day your pain is more manageable.

[Dr LOve]

MonicaP


I feel so sorry for you. I know I talk tuff now but when and if my day comes I know me to will be in shock. Just going thru the motions. Being Pisces I wish I could give ya a hug. You sound like ya need it. Hang in there. My problems don’t seem so bad right now.

Thinking of ya
H

[MonicaP]

Thanks Cat & Husband, I appreciate your support. It always helps me to feel better just knowing that there are others out there walking the same path. It's just a huge shame that any of us have to be here.

Had a little email exchange w/ H recently. I initiated it because I needed to check in about some things related to our S4. His responses were all pretty decent and (at least sounded) like he took them seriously. I also asked that since he was scheduled to be w/ S on Mother's Day that he spend the day with S only (i.e., w/out Ow). His response came after that but he said he had already planned on it because he "thought it was the right thing to do". He did mention Ow's name when he said S does well with her, but that S only has one mother and that will never change. At first I was sickened just to see Ow's name, but after processing what he said a little longer I realized that what he said was actually intended to be nice. At the end he thanked me for doing such a good job w/ S and said he hoped we could get past our problems with each other someday.

My reponse was very brief and to the point about S4. I just don't know what else to say. It seems like he's just hoping for me to let him off the hook and give him my blessing to be w/ Ow and I can't do that. I can't be friends with him and pretend that it's ok that he bailed on our M.

Tomorrow I will know if I get a fee waiver for the filing fee. Even if I don't I will still file the paperwork - this week. I can hardly believe this time has come. I know I am taking a big risk forcing H's hand and he will probably reject LS in favor of D, but if that's the case it must be time. I need to keep moving forward in my own life.

In other news... This Sat I'm going out to dinner & dancing w/ a group of friends. I've already lined up a babysitter. I can't wait! It's so rare for me to get out like this.

Well, thanks again for all of your support...

[MonicaP]

Well, I found out I have to go to a hearing before a judge to get the filing fee waived for LS. I have an appt on 6/6.

In the meantime, H emailed me today to say his company gave the Sales team an unexpected bonus which is a trip Memorial Day weekend - YEAH RIGHT! Do I have "gullible fool" written across my forehead. He already pulled this a couple of months ago, only that time it was to go out of the country for his ailing Aunt. It was all BS and since he came back I haven't heard another word about his aunt. Ugh! What can I say to him to let him know I am not stupid and his lies are unnecessary?

He's offered to make up the time away from S4.5. Meantime, S4.5 has been acting out this week and drawing pictures of "my family" including daddy, mommy and him. I don't judge it one way or the other with him. Besides, we still are a family - sadly, a broken one.

I'm exhausted. My work week was cray. But tomorrow I've actually gotten a babysitter so I can go out for dinner & dancing for a friend's birthday. Yahoo!

Take it easy....

[kml]

What can I say to him to let him know I am not stupid and his lies are unnecessary?

Just say:

I am not stupid and his lies are unnecessary

Ellie

[Yoyowife]

((((Monica))))
I'm so sorry. I'm hurting for you. I too find it hard to believe they can just walk away from their families, but sadly it seems to happen everyday. We just have to believe that if God brings us to it, he will bring us through it. I hope you have a great time with your friens, you deserve it!

[MonicaP]

Thanks YYW.

I did have a great time out last night - I danced my #@!* off, and I met some new women friends who all have young children too. They're all married and I feel good that I was able to genuinely wish them long and happy marriages. I would not wish what I've been going through on anyone. But, I am also very proud of myself and grateful to my friends and the support I get here for walking through it with grace and dignity.

When H was here picking up S4.5 today he asked me about some nice sunglasses that he and his mom had bought for me (he saw some other ones next to my keys). I told him they were broken. He offered to get them repaired. I said ok. It was totally weird.

The thing bothering me lately is not wanting him to think that we are friends and that just because I can be kind and friendly to him doesn't mean I have forgiven him and all is well. It seems like he just wants to pretend that everything is fine.

He still hasn't even filed for D (only because he's broke and doesn't have the where-with-all to do it) and yet he behaves as if we were never even married and we're friends.

The best I can do is be nice for the sake of our S and for my sense of integrity. I'm just concerned that if I'm too nice to him it will be like saying what he did (and continues to do) is acceptable.

Any thoughts?