I know this doesn't help, but, there are a lot of similarities between your situation and mine -- some sound almost identical. There were several things I wanted to ask you or mention as I read, but I'll try to keep it short for now.
Do you think your wife or you are depressed? Is there any joy in her life -- with a hobby, the kids, anything? Are things besides your marriage difficult for her? Does she have any close friends? Is she tired all the time?
I wonder if she's swallowed her feelings for so long that she is very repressed, flat, and joyless. I have no idea -- I'm just asking. I suspect that you are right -- that her complaints about housekeeping are not the real problem, not even close. But, I also wonder if it is more than you she is angry or frustrated with -- you're just a convenient target.
I've experienced a lot of pain from the rejection. I'm starting to think, partly from what LD spouses have written around here, that it's not that my wife "does not care" -- she just has no idea, or somehow manages to evade, the extent of how much it hurts. Some consolation. Not much. But some.
One thing that helped me a lot with the rejection and lack of sex was taking an SSRI type of antidepressant. It really really took the edge off -- and I don't mean just in a sexual-urge sort of way.
If you're not depressed, then taking an SSRI probably is not a good thing. But, if your life is like mine, I don't see how you wouldn't be by now
Getting my wife into counseling and taking antidepressants was so very helpful for her, us, and me. The difference is like night and day. She has a lot of resiliency and even seems to enjoy life at times, whereas before it was just chronic gloom, and the world (including me) was forever disappointing her.
What you wrote she said about house work -- almost identical to the word what happens here. We've had a few discussions about such things, and in one I was really struck by her lack of understanding/acknowledgement/appreciation of how I've struggled to keep her mentally afloat and keep her life bearable through the years, and all I did while the kids were still infants and toddlers -- well, that really really hurt. But again, she was pretty much oblivious, or had forgotten.
I think someone asked why you chose to stay, after she started getting cold-feet early in your marriage. In my case, I've never took her angst and negativity at face value, and always have been optimistic that she would eventually find a way through it or out from under it. [Of course, I know that is a foolish way to start and continue a relationship! But, I did love her, and still do now.] To a significant extent, she has gotten through it. And now, occasionaly, we have some physical connection, and sometimes an emotional connection or at least the distance shrinks, and now we are connected by our children.
Well, I'm rambling. Probably should shut up for now.
I hope you find what you need here in these forums. So far, there seems to be a lot of good help.
