if he doesn't think it was wrong, why wouldn't he do it again? I mean, how can you feel safe or rather, how can HE expect you to feel safe? I know, we all have to trust them to some extent, but he must admit the trust has been broken by HIM, even if he thinks he was justified. So, what's his "plan"? He'll be faithful as long as you don't make him mad? He'll "take control" more, and you'll....do what? Obey? Look the other way?
Hey, VC, I am not ragging on you to leave the guy. You said yourself he was a good guy and this shocked you. Crushed your son as well. That says something. Maybe h's self image cannot reconcile with the behavior. At some level, we have to love ourselves enough to look within and see the defects, taking inner moral inventory and make amends....etc. I believe in that stuff, and find that people who've been through a 12 step program of some kind, and make it, are really honest and humble.
Hard for a policeman to be humble in a way. Like a doctor, fighter pilot, takes a certain machismo/cockiness and confidence, even if it's faked a little...?? It hasn't been a year yet and it still is new to both of you. Of course you still have anger. Of course he has shame and that is a tough bitter pill to swallow for him. Much better to still blame you. As long as you keep on countering his negative justifications with the new you, and refusing to fuel his anger. .. modeling forgiveness, committment for your son too...
in the face of such unconditional love (while enforcing healthy boundaries), if he is healthy enough, you'll hear the words you need to hear. In his love language. hang in there, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
