New To SSM

[COG]

HA,

have you thought about seeing a sex therapist?

Well I've thought about my W seeing one, but can't force her to do it. I never really thought about myself going.

i personally think she is yanking your chain.

Trust me on this one, she has no sexual feelings for me. In fact if it were'nt for the kids, our family, she'd be long gone and frankly so would I. But we're both committed to make it work and that's a good thing. Where there's a will there's a way. She's not jerking my chain, she's just stuck, married to a man she's not HOT for. That's it in a nutshell.

That's reality, it's honest, it's true and now that we know that, the question is, what to do from here. It's a tough spot, and I can complain and whine all day long but that's not going to change anything. So I can leave and tell her to stick it up her ????. Or I can stay, and keep playing different games until something clicks.

Thanks,

COG

[jacqm]

COG-
I'm certainly not to this point as yet, but in all the situations i've read about, IF the person is willing, God does make all things new and will bring back the emotions. Love is a choice, and all that.
which probably means little to you right now, but i'm tending to agree with HA that its her refusal to do what she knows she should. she needs to take that step of faith and learn to give of herself. It really is an important part of a relationship.

is it pride on her part? wanting to make you pay? or not really caring to give in to you?

what she's saying is, its too late for the two of you but that's not true to one who believes in the power of God in their life. Isn't it about time she puts her money where her belief is?

sorry, just feeling the frustration.
maybe she needs some ginsing and oysters?
jacqm

[cjhoffy]

As HA suggested, has your W considered having her hormones checked? Any other possible medical conditions?

I was also wondering if there is any chance she would at least give you a bj? Maybe that would get her motor running, too. Would she possibly take care of you on the condition that you don't try to pleasure her unless she decides she wants you to?

[COG]

jacqm,

is it pride on her part? wanting to make you pay? or not really caring to give in to you? what she's saying is, its too late for the two of you but that's not true to one who believes in the power of God in their life. Isn't it about time she puts her money where her belief is?

It's all of the above. It's very sad, such a stupid waste. Well I'm not giving up yet. I'm still soul searching, looking inward. I think I've been a bit wussyish for too long. Maybe need to make some changes that'll help me take back some control. I already have done 180's on begging, pleading, and crying, did that a long time ago. I've got a life outside of her. I suppose maybe I need to continue speaking out when she's cold to me. I'm doing it more and more, and at least she seems responsive. I just need better timing with it. Never at bedtime.

cj

has your W considered having her hormones checked? Any other possible medical conditions?

No, she's not the type to 1) admit there's something wrong with her, and 2) seek advice. and 3) take advice. No those three things are taboo in her family. It's much better to just ignore the problem, pretend you know everything and that nothing will work to change the sitch. They fear change like death. To admit one needs to change would be admitting they have things needing change. From my perspective it's really tough to deal with considering all that I've changed. Now I need to be fair about this because she has changed, ALOT, and I appreciate the changes she's made! I am really proud of her for breaking out at least a little of her parents cycle. The funny thing too is that her parents have a great R, she idolizes their M and it makes her sad that she does'nt have the same thing.

I was also wondering if there is any chance she would at least give you a bj? Maybe that would get her motor running, too. Would she possibly take care of you on the condition that you don't try to pleasure her unless she decides she wants you to?

I think that falls within the category of begging. Anyway, yes I have asked that very question under that same scenario, and no it's not going to happen. I even offered to take care of her, no strings attached, and no it's not going to happen either.

Frustrating is'nt it? Good thing the rest of my life is full, otherwise I think I'd find a cliff to jump off of. Our kid's are at an age that they really need us together. It's NOT a good time to be doing a D. So, I'll be hanging out, trying new things, never giving up, hoping, praying, and listening for further guidance.

Don't be feeling bad for me, I'm just venting here. My W does a lot of things for me, she really does take good care of me in all other aspects. Somethings gonna click, change is inevitable, and either way I'll end up faster, stronger and better.

God Bless,

COG

[frank_D]

I was listening to Dr. Laura today and a woman called. She loves her H, had several children and has completely lost any desire for sex. I was surprised at Dr. Laura's response but she advised her to buy a vibrator and get going.

I think Dr. Laura's REAL message here is 'Just Do It'.

I've heard these calls before and she subscribes to the 'Do it or lose it (meaning your marriage)

HAVING sex creates a flow of hormones and endorphins. Do it enough times and, gee whiz you'll look forward to it (unless it hurts due to physical issues).

You W is sitting in this fantasy world where she can just say "I don't wanna....' and there is no leeway. SHE is creating this problem in her belief systems.

I'm not saying she strip and spread 'em, but if she HAS feelings for you then she would certainly not be DISGUSTED with the idea of sex with you.

If she is, then she should get the hell out. If she's 'waiting' for it to be 'just right' well, it isn't GOING to be 'just right' if she's got this image of it NOT being 'just right'.

After the affair, and after the other stuff my W and I were stuck too. Our counselor said to just set up a nice relaxing situation and 'just do it'. It'll feel weird, and it'll be awkward. But it WILL BUILD INTIMACY. And she was right. It was mainly mechanical but it felt good, and we did it again. But then it 'broke the ice' because we got past the 'what if it doesn't feel right?' barrier.

She needs to step up to the plate here too. She needs to realize it is HER unrealistic beliefs that are keeping HER stuck in fear.

[Heywyre]

It's easy to say "just do it" but if the person that is LD is experiencing psychological problems like my H is, it is not as simple as judt "doing it"

I think there is a lot more going on in his W's head than just not felling like it, this has some very deep rooted issues attached to it.

It is particular hard to imagine that someone can't just "do it" when you are the HD partner. I know I don't particularly feel like it at times but if it was initiated, by either side, I would get into the mood for sure. However, if initiating it brings up anxiety, fear and a whole lot of other issues, that just makes the person draw back, not come closer. And then you are even further behind than you were to begin with

[COG]

Frank,

Yep Frank, on the surface I agree with you 100%, but Heywyre pegged it. There's something much deeper holding her back. She's tried the "just do it" approach, and it backfires on her. She just feels worse. I'm not going to judge her, I'm just going to keep on trying different things. Everybody's a little different and it may just never happen.

Either way I'm gonna be okay. I'm past the anger, past the denial, past the mourning. It's sort of business now, just taking care of business. Life is so stressfull right now with finances, kids stuff, just life in general. Too friggin many things going on. It's insane the amount of stuff that comes before our M. I see it clear as day, my W does'nt want to look because she's too busy. This is not what I signed up for!

It's not about the sex, that's just a side affect. She's not happy, not fulfilled. We have plenty of money, four awesome kids, two houses in fantastic neighborhoods, in one of the most beautiful and sought after places on the planet, and it's not enough. She can go on blaming the past, blaming me, blaming whatever for her unhappiness but until she realizes the source of her unhappiness and has the courage and awareness to change, then nothing will change.

My challenge is in loving unconditionally, being a man, and doing what I can to create an environment that will allow her the space to figure herself out. At the same time, I'll not be walked on, disrespected, or taken for granted anymore.

It's not about me.

Love,

COG

[RedHeadWife]

What I think I finally learned from this whole "D Bomb Process" was that I no longer felt like "me" or like a "woman" anymore. That's no one's fault but my own for allowing myself to buy into what I thought I should be doing or feeling -- I think we get the idea from society's view or what we think society's view is of a "mom." I felt like I needed to be a certain type of person to be a good mom. I didn't feel like "me" was good enough. Mom couldn't still like rock music or get wild in the bedroom, etc.

Glad I figured it out and this could be how your W feels, but I don't have an answer as to how to "help" her figure it out the way I did. I know I had completely lost any and all sense of self and needed a kick in the a$$ to finally figure out what made me happy and that actually was getting my "self" back and my R back w/ H. I didn't realize what I was missing out on and what was missing in my life was an adult R w/ my H instead of just being a mom.