moving toward...IV

[PositivelyListening]

Hi AH,

You are such a dear. I am so sorry. This stuff just hurts.

I believe that as long as they have an OW they have enough justification and transfer of love feelings to another, that they can not feel things for us they way we do for them. I believe your H is emotionally done. Done. Done. Finished. That's what it sounds like to me. It sounds to me like he has frozen his heart over when it comes to you, to the point that he does not even understand why you haven't "gotten over it already". Your H took up with OW (either with an EA or with a PA) and put his emotions there. Your H comes across like "what is the matter with you? Why do you keep bringing this up?" Like he is irritated that you haven't moved on.

I know this is so hard, and I am so sorry to be saying what I am saying to you. I am having a hard time believing it in my own situation as well. I look for any little sign to prove that it ain't really so. And the truth is, I don't know what's so in my sitch. But I do know that some people can be very self-serving and dismissive. My H is doing a lot of that, yours is too.

My ONLY suggestion is the standard DB one, which I truly believe is your best chance at feeling better. Let him go. Take his words at face value, and step WAY back. Stop trying to have an emotional connection with him. For God's sake, you say your heart is broken and he does not even have the ability to understand why right now.

To answer your questions about your H's grief:

One more thing...is it remotely possibly that he has fully processed his grief and that his heart isn't broken. How could that be if he was allegedly so hurt?

I do not think your H is grieving the way you are grieving, and I don't think he did so earlier either. I believe he just became resigned about your M, stepped away and gave up. And when another opportunity came around, he said "OK, I'll try that. Maybe that will make me happy." So his hurt was a long time ago, and a different process. And he hasn't lost you, you have never stopped loving him, he still sees you enough through visits with your S to find out what you are up to, etc. which is probably the most he would need. He is cocky, self-interested, and he is emotionally detached from you to such an extent that he does not even know it would matter if you were no longer in any way in his life.

Let him go AH. He is chasing a fantasy of a better life. Your H sees you as oppressive right now. Step WAY back. Do some GAL activities. Go out for a walk. Grieve all you want but keep moving, one foot in front of the other. I know this might sound mean and crazy, but picture the D he is seeking as a door opening wide for you for your future. Take plenty of space back from H as soon as the D is final. Arrange for transfers of S14 without needing to see your H yourself, for as long as possible. E-mail instead of phone for a while. Go through your L instead of direct contact. Give yourself more space to heal.

And poop on your cold H who doesn't get the amazing beautiful woman and mother that you are. Some day, I promise you, he will regret the loss of you, and the loss of his family. Just not right now. Accept and let go. Trust the universe to guide you towards your beautiful future.

Hugs to you AH. I want to come visit you at your beach house. I can't wait 'til you get there. I know it will help you heal, to move on. I am with you.

(((((((((((((AH)))))))))) I send my love