Thanks so much. You do sound like my husband (and I mean that in a gentle way). He tries so hard on all the "things" in life and he'd never EVER want to hurt me, but no, he does not understand how far he's driven me over the edge. I wrote a different post last night outlining everything I've felt and been through because of this situation, if you haven't read it, maybe that may give some insight as to where she is right now.
I am just wondering one thing about your situation because you mentioned a few things that resonate with ours.
Did you make her constant promises to change what was going on, but then didn't read any of the books or go to counseling? If so, that's what is drawing me to the edge: All the "broken promises" to change. Even though my mind says that he wants to, he doesn't. My Dad was an alcoholic and I've spent most of my life looking for someone who wouldn't let me down. So when my husband "breaks his word" (in my eyes) it causes the deepest wounds one can imagine. But his inability to change is most likely because he doesn't know how to without someone's help besides mine. And I'm okay with that because I have no idea where to go with these problems. They are bigger than me, that's for sure.
Anyway, maybe that's why she left. Lord knows that's why I am ready to leave. It's not because I want to. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! But I am seriously considering it as a wake up call. Nothing else has worked (i.e. begging, fighting, crying, silence, ignoring him, threatening divorce...) But I am hesitant to issue the wake up call because of our oldest son (4 1/2) who would be devastated if I booted his Daddy out to live with Mommy and Daddy or the firehouse. And since Mommy and Daddy "trained" him into the "sex is bad" issues, so that's not the best place to send him.
Anyway, I will pray for you and your wife to work things out. I know where she is right now mentally and emotionally. It sounds as though you two could still work it out. Don't give up if you love her!!! Because if you do, it will just reinforce her miserable feelings of failure. If she loves you still, please keep after her. (ever heard of a PajamaGram? Check it out. It was the best romantic present he ever sent to me! Beats flowers anyday. Perhaps also a mailed letter or two telling her what you are reading or learning about how to make things better. Those would all mean something to me if my husband did it...)
I've already decided I'd never marry again if we do end up divorced. It DEFINATELY does take 2 to have problems and if I couldn't work it out with a man I love so much, I just don't think I'm meant for marriage. Bottom line is that I blame myself, maybe not for the "problem" itself, but for not being able to be a better, more understanding, gentle wife who could have gotten him through all this to the greener grass on the other side.
I wish you well. Thanks so much for writing. It is always good to know you are not alone. Who knows, I may soon share this website with my husband and see what he thinks. You writing is very compelling to read. There's a resonance there...
