You know, it just keeps on going. I'm hurting, freaking out here but I have to be cool because I'm in the office until 7. This sucks. I want to leave. I called W after W's IC, only to ask that she unplug my phone when she gets home as it's still on the charger. W sounds great, that's just awesome. Even through out a, "it feels great to know you've been released, I know God has released me, I don't feel bad about anything at all". I had nothing to say, I couldn't figure out how the heck that had anything to do with me asking her to unplug my phone. Except I did say, "cool, thanks, have a good day". That kind of opened the door for her to tell me how good her day is going now that she knows how fantastic her decision is. I can just imagine her C is overjoyed at hearing this recent turn of events. That probably bolstered her confidence in this decision.
I was thinking about AmyC's post to me, basically telling me to [censored] off. I tried to take the what I could from it and not let it get to me. Yet, after todays excitement it does get to me.
Yes, I worked/work a lot. I missed a lot. I was also there for a lot. I went to field trips, concerts, games and practices. I took kids to ERs, I walked my daughter for hours in the cold night, hoping and praying her lungs would open up due to the cold air, then run back in and stand in the steam generated by the hot shower running.
No, I didn't go out with the guys for beer after work. For a one month period I lost my mind when my best friend killed himself, and I did go out during that period, but I snapped out of it when my son asked me if I drove home drunk. Actually, less than a month of that crap, 2 years ago. Less than a month, out of 20 years? I must be satan incarnate. During that time I didn't mess around in any way. Never laid a violent hand on her ever, even when she pushed me, raised her fist at me and threw things at me.
I wash clothes, dishes and help get the kids bathed. I get up with them in the morning, no matter how late I worked, to see them off to school, help get breakfast ready and spend some time with them.
No, I wasn't there for every bed time, but rather than go out with my friends I would get home so I could at least watch their belly rise and fall with each breath as they slept.
Now, I'm supposed to miss out on that? Miss out on all the moments I can have now anytime I want? I can kiss them whenever I walk in the door. Now, she wants to take them from me and make it so I see them on some days, and "you know you can call any time".
And her last thing regarding anything to do with me losing time with the kids? I brought upon myself. I should have known and it's too late for her to change her feelings now.
No, by no means do I think I did everything right. But judging by AmyC's post regarding her H, I didn't do everything wrong either.
You know what is funny/ironic? W's friend that she went to see in Michigan wants to tour Spain this summer with her mother. Friends H was opposed for various reasons, so her mother bought the tickets and booked the trip already without her. I should probably save him a seat here in the evil overlord section. God forbid she would see that they have a couple of kids and leaving for 3 months, while a great fantasy trip, probably can't happen right now. Of course, W can't believe he is being so uncooperative, what's the problem? She just has to come up with the ticket fare and food money. How about the childcare cost while she is gone? He still has to work, somebody has to. Oh come on, reality sucks. Lets just spend, spend and spend some more and the LBS can just [censored] off, but pay for it first please.
