OH yeah, Read the book, been there, done that, no lasting change. Well, except that I continue to try to speak her language. Just less and less as the distance grows. In other words, the more distant she becomes the more distant I do. I really just can't continue or increase my emotional exposure by speaking it more as she pulls away. The damage control reflex has kicked in now. I am more and more unwilling to be in any way vulnerable to her.
She knows the marriage is a mess too. There are no suprises there. She is the first one to declare it. It has been me that has viewed things more from the rose colored glasses. Her needs are expressed in the context of help around the house. I do help around the house. A lot. One thing that comes to mind though, is I have asked for a list of HONEY DO"S to help me help her. She says I should just "know" what needs done and then do it. I reply with, "If the end result is getting this need met, what does it matter if you have to write it down for me?"" for whatever reason I am not tracking with the exact way you want things to be. Why not WORK WITH ME to get this need met?" She wont list the things for me to do so I am left to assume that it is not really all about the chores. The chores just represent some other need,again unspoken, that is not getting met. Have no idea what that is.
My gut reaction is that I KNOW something about me leaves her cold. Don't know what, and she wont, or cant tell me what that is. I really think she cant connect with those kinds of issues and cant put voice to her needs. The easy solution is to have undefined anger and dissatisfaction with me and use me as the lightening rod. It has a double bonus as she can always fall back on the "voiced" reasons for her distance and negate the idea of there being anything else that she is not facing. Beleive me, I am WAY more critical of myself than she will ever be, so I have looked inward enough to identify anything that I may be doing or NOT doing to add to the drama.
