So, I've been staring at the screen for about an hour now, I don't know what to type. So many things were said, all basically a different version of the stuff I'm about to post. Here it is, verbatim. I didn't initiate this conversation, we both had dentist appointments so we were getting ready to leave when, BOOM, it hit.
This morning W tells me that she thinks we should separate after the kids get out of school for the summer. She has already registered them for next year, so if she has to live at MIL's she will just drive them over to school each day. She doesn't care if we lose the house, she can still keep them involved in their activities as MIL's is only a few minutes away. No, she won't go to marriage counseling. She doesn't want to touch me, or be touched by me. She doesn't want to have sex with me. She is going out this Friday with her friend, and she doesn't care that I wanted to go do something with her. She doesn't want to spend time with me. She doesn't want to do things with me. She doesn't want to talk with/to me. Yes, people change and she can see that I have changed. That's good for my next relationship, but she doesn't want anything to do with me. The way she feels towards me hasn't changed. She doesn't want to give it a year or even 6 months for her feelings to change. She is going to get a job, anywhere that she can asap, and then we can make it official. She is done and just wants to be gone. The kids will be okay if we work at making this amicable. Kids of divorce aren't that damaged, she doesn't care how many studies I can bring that show that they are, she can bring just as many that show they are not. She is not a marriage seminar wife, she isn't going to ask me if she can go out, she is just going to go out. I said, I'm not asking you to ask, I'm asking for consideration, just like I would ask you if you mind or did you have plans already. I also made the mistake of saying, I would hope you would want to go out with me. She said that's just it, I don't want to go out with you. I'm not going to want to go out with you. I want to go out with my friends, not you.
That was the gist of the morning, pre-dentist appointment.
After the dentist appointment I asked her if she would like to get something to eat as it was almost noon. She said sure and we went to a place she really likes. While there I tried to talk about anything but us. My mind was reeling and I actually felt physically ill. I thought I was going to throw up. I didn't know what was going on, my stomach was one big cramp. W started to talk about the situation with her sister and sis new boyfriend. He is 40, never had kids stepping into a situation with SIL in which 4 kids are involved. W says, he has never done it before but he can change and do what he needs to do to make it work. I threw my hands up, (literally), I know I shouldn't have but it just happened like a reflex or something. W asks what, I said, how can you say he can change after 20 years of being a single, no kids guy, yet you and I can't? She again said, we can and should change. Just not together. Maybe after we are separated for awhile, if by some miracle God brings us back together then okay..., but you would have to be Jesus himself for me to believe that could happen. At that point I kind of went numb. I mean, how many times in one 4-5 hour period can you hear someone tell you how much they want to be gone, they want a divorce and they don't want to try with you again. It's truly all a weird blur right now. I don't know where to turn. In the middle of all of this, I forgot my phone at home so I don't have any of my numbers, I can't even try to get Chuck on the line. I have one more session, maybe I should just donate it to someone that actually has a chance. I drove back to work, she rode with me, she is dropping me off and picking me up later after church. She is at her IC as I type this. When she dropped me off, we talked some more about concerns regarding SIL, SIL's kids and the whole situation there, what we can do to be there for SIL right now. I said I have to get inside, she gave me a hug, she held onto me so tight, she hasn't held onto me like that in I don't know how long, then a kiss... I don't know what to think. I realize the hug and kiss are probably a result of whatever guilt she is feeling over the pain that she might be causing me and the kids. I did ask how long she has been planning this, she said yesterday and last night she started to really think about it and no, she hasn't filed.
I honestly don't know what to think. I'm completely numb.
