I'm not sure what to think anymore. While I have been in better spirits, and felt a great deal more confidence, my wife seems to notice that and try to knock it down a peg.
I have to keep telling myself i'm a catch: - i'm young (30) - i'm in good shape (5'10" 160lbs) - trying to add some more muscle. - i'm intelligent, and experienced. - i'm successful. - i am a good father, with two sweet kids. - i have a nice house - i dress well - i'm even tempered
so now I just need to smile more, laugh more, and live like I believe the hype. Its hard when i am on this rollercoaster.
Two days ago, she is confiding in me, telling me how she doesn't know what to do. That everyone is telling her that she should stop seeing this guy until her and I are completely apart. At the same time she doesn't want to break up the family. At the same time she knows that she can't think straight right now do to the infatuation. (she is logical in her crazyness). She is questioning her feelings for him, and her lack of feelings for me.
She bounced around, and I could sense a desire to spend time with me and have a good time. Something is there, maybe its just her brain telling her this doesn't make sense. Yet she was verbally clear that she has strong feelings for him, and he is crazy about her.
i think any man who would do this to a family is not a good man, and that has to manifest itself somewhere in the future.
Anyways, she even asked me why I'm not standing up for myself more (half jokingly), as she is getting the best of both worlds. A crazy 'in love' infatuation, and the stability of being at home.
I told her that I have given this a lot of thought, and that after looking at all the ways I could handle this, I felt I was standing up for myself by being strong for my children. I told her I understood how she must be feeling, because I can still remember what it was like when she and I were first together. She can remember that too, she knows she was crazy about me, and that this doesn't make sense. Part of her thinks she should stop seeing this guy and find a place to move into to be alone. Yet she knows she can't detach from him right now.
I'm jealous of the guy, I provided for my family, and even if she leaves me she is still set financially. Crazy huh? What does she have to lose? All this guy needs to do is be around, and give her the attention she needs. She doesn't need anything from him, because together we secured our future. Now he is getting to be included in the dreams that we once had together.
Still i sensed a lot of positives in the conversation, and I felt i handled it well. I listened, agreed, empathized, and let her know that i didn't feel like she needed to rush into making any decisions, and that she should find some time to think.
Then this morning, she made sure to throw out all sorts of mixed signals. A friendly conversation, then a couple of stabs at me to work away at my ego, and the information that she planned to go out tonight. I had to leave the house fast to avoid blowing up.
I wish i could stop riding this rollercoaster. I know that I need to stop letting her affect my moods. But i've read enough posts to know that we are all, or have all been guilty of scorekeeping. I'm not sure what my score is anymore but its harder to want to be in this relationship the more she hurts me.
Today I find her less attractive as a person. How could she say she would be more happy when moving out would require her to not see her kids for 182 days a year. (50/50 split). I know I can't see myself as being happier without my baby girls.
I think we need to find opportunities to have a good time together without talking relationship. I'm not sure how to pull this off yet, but i'm thinking about it. So one day a week i'll try to manufacture that, the others i'm going on with my life. I'm going to treat her as simply a woman I find attractive that I would like to date.
