IMO, Heather should not admit to a problem (her family, etc.) if she truly feels like the problem does not exist other than in her H's head.
Where else do these problems exist? They are all emotional/mental issues. They are all in our head (except for medical/physical issues of course).
Getting to the point of making it clear that she hears and respects his feelings without giving in to him is the goal as I see it.
Agreed, even if they are in his head.
I have no idea why Heather's H seems to have a need to be so dominating over Heather and it is troubling for him.
Because he is insecure and has not faced his issues. He controls out of fear.
It is similar to many of the other posters here - how do you get them to see their problem and work on it?
You confront them on it. Over and over and over again.
Heather's H has clear domination in their marriage and family yet he makes comments that sound like he sees himself as the victim in the marriage. From the outside this appears to be someone who does not feel in control of his life so he dominates his own little world.
I do not think her H has clear domination. What control did he have over Heather having an A? I do agree that he feels out of control. That feeling is relative, IMO, because there can always be something to make you feel not in control, yet realizing that something is not a controllable issue allows you to remove it from your-need-to-control list.
I do not think she can solve the issues with her marriage by continuing to give in to him.
Where do you see Heather has continued to give in to him? The problem earlier in her marriage was that both she and her H were locked in a power struggle with neither willing to give in to the other. Recently she has deescalated, and he has responded in kind - to an extent. The remaining things that he cannot give in have little to do with Heather and more to do with him.
She needs to gather enough strength to convince him to attend marriage counseling with her.
What he needs to understand is that she has certain needs and he should be empathic to those needs, rather than only focus on his own needs. If he wants comfort, he might learn that he will get that comfort from Heather in return for him giving comfort to her. He needs to see counseling as the way to ultimately get what he wants.
I am not sure why you wrote that. I was not talking about "sides." I was talking about recognizing her consistent problems with her marriage - that her H does not recognize her needs and does not put her first as far as Heather can tell.
Agreed. Is suspect that he can also say the same thing, that in his eyes, Heather does not put him first.
Your posts seem to focus more on making sure that his perceptions are treated as facts.
I never said his perceptions should be treated as fact. But his perceptions are what there are. They may be biased, one-sided, what ever, but they are what they are. What do you propose to tell him? That he is wrong in how he sees the world? There is no right or wrong. What needs to change are the filters he uses to view the world. What he is currently seeing is exactly correct, through the filters he is currently wearing.
Even if he is 100% guilty of instigating the whole thing, you are still going to have to decide whose side you are on.
What exactly does this mean to you?
What does this mean to you? I was quite clear in my comment. Heather’s H feels like she is not committed to him. Heather’s comments about him seem to confirm this, in my mind. It does not matter that he does something wrong, he will always do something wrong. We all do. What matters is that when he does err, he knows still will still stand by him.
The comments Heather mentioned from her family have a lot of conditionality to them. There is the strong implication (IMO) that her family would accept him IF he did this or that, If he apologized, IF ha had the same values they do, etc….
With Heather and H locked in a power struggle, how is this conditional acceptance going to help their M?
Does this mean caving on sleeping on the couch, not asking for a kiss, changing the porcelain handles to chrome, letting him put their son to bed at whatever time H decides, not wanting to be around her family because HE is uncomfortable, etc.? She has done many of these things so far and it does not seem to have changed their dynamic.
I was not talking about the DIRECT interactions between Heather and her H. You are confusing and blending together two totally separate issues. Versus her family, I think Heather needs to clearly demonstrate she stands with her H. This is no different than a husband who listens to his mother on how his wife should act, clean house, cook, take care of the kids, etc. I think you would see very clearly how that sort of “loyalty” by the H can split a marriage in two by alienating the W. How is Heather’s sitch any different?
OTOH, versus her H only, Heather needs to enforce stronger and more consistent boundaries.
In fact the only time I remember her seeing a glimmer of hope was when she STOOD her ground. So the key SEEMS to be that by Heather standing her ground she has a better chance to have a positive impact than cowing to his demands.
Exactly.
That is why I am adamant in Heather (and anyone else's sitch) that listening and hearing her spouse's concerns is important but treating their concerns as fact (if you do not see the concerns as a fact) is not a solution to the problem.
How can you or anyone else define a “fact” when it concerns a person’s feeling? If Heather’s H feels that she sides with her family over him, who is to say what the real “facts” are? This whole issue is about validation, which is a big issue because there is little trust, which in turn is lacking because there are such deep insecurities and fears.
You ask in your post: It is similar to many of the other posters here - how do you get them to see their problem and work on it?
The problem is circular, IMO. FOO issues block objectivity and a person can only see the “truth” through his/her own filters. Yet that biased outlook block the ability to see the need to work on the FOO. Reactivity keeps focus on actions, reactions, power, control – all things that are external to the person, manifestations or symptoms, but not the heart of the problem.
So how do you get to the address the heart of the problem? Not by ignoring those outside manifestations. Doing so only makes the person act out in a stronger way.
My approach would be that Heather MUST listen to her H and make sure she lets him know she hears and respects him WHILE still doing what she needs to do for herself and the marriage she wants.
Right, stand with HIM not with her family.
Since she is committed to working on the marriage she needs to make sure that he understands that she wants to know that he is committed also.
Agreed, but taking the same position as her family is not going to make him feel like she is committed to him, is it? So in his eyes, he might be wondering whose side is she on, his or her family’s?
